More Praise for Networking for People Who Hate Networking “Devora Zack knows networking, and her mission to make it easy and fun for you comes through on every page.” —David Bach, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Automatic Millionaire “Let’s face it, you have to network. Devora Zack’s innovative strategy enables the networking-averse to succeed and have a great time doing it.” —Joe Thomas, Dean, Johnson Graduate School of Management, Cornell University “No, you don’t have to run around collecting a business card from every single person at every single meeting. Devora Zack proves you can make lots of new connections that will help you professionally and personally and still be true to who you are.” —Jeff Weirens, Principal, Deloitte Consulting LLP “I highly recommend this lighthearted, eminently practical book by a type-A introvert. (No, that’s not a typo!) It’s like having a trusted friend there at each step of the way as you become a world-class networker.” —Jeff Martin, Vice President, Human Resources, CSC, Inc. “Reading this incredibly enjoyable book is the next best thing to having Devora whispering in your ear, coaching you through events, and then leaving when you need time to yourself! You’ll gain perspective, confi dence, and the willing- ness to take risks.” —Peter Borden, Vice President, Sapient Corporation “You are going to love reading this book! Devora Zack connects with the reader like no other business author I have ever read.” — P. J. Kuyper, President, Motion Picture Licensing Corporation “What fun joining Devora as she explores the battlefi eld of business networking. If you’ve got a reception in your future, grab this book in advance!” —David Mayhood, President, The Mayhood Company “This brilliantly written, eminently practical guide really works. Read it today!” —David Meisegeier, Technical Director, ICF Consulting “Devora shines a refreshing new light on what it means to be a stellar net- worker. Focusing on quality and sincerity rather than quantity and triviality, she teaches us how to make solid, lasting relationships.” —Kye Breisath, former program analyst, U.S. Offi ce of Personnel Management, Presidential Management Fellows Program This page intentionally left blank networking for people who hate networking Who looks outside, Dreams. Who looks inside, Awakens. —Carl Jung DEVORA ZACK networking for people who hate networking A FIELD GUIDE FOR INTROVERTS, THE OVERWHELMED, AND THE UNDERCONNECTED Networking for People Who Hate Networking Copyright © 2010 by Devora Zack All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or trans- mitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other elec- tronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc. 235 Montgomery Street, Suite 650 San Francisco, California 94104-2916 Tel: (415) 288-0260, Fax: (415) 362-2512 www.bkconnection.com Ordering information for print editions Quantity sales. Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the “Special Sales Department” at the Berrett-Koehler address above. Individual sales. Berrett-Koehler publications are available through most bookstores. They can also be ordered directly from Berrett-Koehler: Tel: (800) 929-2929; Fax: (802) 864-7626; www.bkconnection.com Orders for college textbook/course adoption use. Please contact Berrett-Koehler: Tel: (800) 929-2929; Fax: (802) 864-7626. Orders by U.S. trade bookstores and wholesalers. Please contact Ingram Publisher Services, Tel: (800) 509-4887; Fax: (800) 838-1149; E-mail: customer .service@ingram publisher services.com; or visit www .ingrampublisher services .com/ Ordering for details about electronic ordering. Berrett-Koehler and the BK logo are registered trademarks of Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc. First Edition Paperback print edition ISBN 978-1-60509-522-6 PDF e-book ISBN 978-1-60509-607-0 IDPF e-book ISBN 978-1-60509-941-5 2010-1 Designed and produced by Seventeenth Street Studios. Illustrations by Jeevan Sivasubramaniam and Jeremy Sullivan. Copy editing by Kristi Hein. Cover design by Susan Malikowski. Cover photography by Jan Will and Ben Goode, 123RF. for my guys.* * You don’t expect more personal detail than that from an introvert, do you? This page intentionally left blank contents INTRODUCTION Th is Book Is Required Reading 1 ONE Welcome to Your Field Guide 7 TWO Assess Yourself 11 THREE Th e Destruction of Stereotypes 21 FOUR Why We Hate to Network 37 FIVE Sparkling New Rules Th at Work 47 SIX Networking Event Survival Kit 59 SEVEN Good-bye Golden Rule 75 EIGHT Networking Without a Net 87 NINE Th e Job Search 101 TEN Business Travel 117 ELEVEN Creating Events Th at Work for All 133 TWELVE Defi ning Outcomes, Achieving Goals 145 CONCLUSION See Ya Later, Alligator 153 vii Acknowledgments 157 About Only Connect Consulting 158 Index 161 Your Fearless Author 168 viii CONTENTS INTRODUCTION this book is required reading Only connect. —E. M. Forster, Howards End Learning Latin in Greek On my fi rst day of grad school at Cornell University, I att ended micro- economics. Th e professor, in an att empt to calm our fi rst-year jitt ers, explained in soothing tones that he would be showing a lot of graphs, yet there was no need to panic. He said, “Just think of graphs as fl ow- charts, and you’ll be fi ne.” As an arts professional with no background whatsoever in economics, I suddenly felt dizzy as my vision blurred. I had never heard of a fl owchart. I was doomed. I later described the experience of those fi rst few weeks in business 1 school as like trying to learn Latin in Greek . except I didn’t know Greek either. No matt er how earnestly I took notes, a few hours later I had no idea what they meant. A comparable pitfall exists when a self-declared non-networker tries very hard to follow networking rules writt en for a diff erent species alto- gether. Th ere is no point of reference. No mental bucket exists in which to dump the data. Th e data is fi ne. It is just in a foreign language. Th is networking book, on the other hand, is writt en in language spoken and understood by introverts, the overwhelmed, and the underconnected. What luck! You fi nally have a chance at a passing grade. By the way, I now return to Cornell annually—teaching MBA stu- dents networking skills. I have yet to be asked back to lecture on eco- nomics, however. Networking for People Who Hate Networking. Why would such a book exist? Isn’t it a bit like giving quiche recipes to people allergic to eggs and cheese? Or surrounding oneself with fragrant fl owers despite suff ering from severe hay fever? If you have an aversion to something that is not absolutely necessary, why not fi nd something else to occupy your life? Why torture yourself? Th ese are solid questions. Th anks for asking. Allow me to begin by saying I agree with you 100 percent. Do not waste a single precious hour on an activity you hate! Still, you are not off the hook that easily. You do not get to place this book back on the shelf (or e-shelf, as the case may be), proclaiming yourself water to networking’s vinegar. Instead, I am going to perform the astounding trick of making net- working an enjoyable, rewarding activity. All without mind-altering substances! So fi nd a comfy chair or patch of grass, crease this spine, and commit. You won’t regret it. 2 NETWORKING FOR PEOPLE WHO HATE NETWORKING Th is fi eld guide begins by politely examining—and then shatt ering to pieces—traditional networking truisms. Commandments along the lines of: ■ Promote yourself constantly. ■ More contacts = higher probability of success. ■ Never eat alone. ■ Create non-stop touch points. ■ Get out there as much as possible. Until today (reality is subjective), networking books have been writt en for people of a particular temperament—the very personal- ity style that is already predisposed to enjoy the prospect of spearing cheese in a room full of bustling strangers. We will discover early in the book that this personality type com- prises a paltry 30 to 50 percent of the general population. I am certain this is an unintended oversight on the part of other, well-meaning authors. Nevertheless, smoke comes out of my ears just thinking about it. Th e other 50 to 70 percent of humankind are being ignored. Misled. Bamboozled. It is time for the rest of us to take back our right- ful share of the networking world. And along the way we will discover the enormous value of under- standing and leveraging our natural style when networking. No more stamping out our instincts. Why Bother? What’s that you’re mumbling? You don’t like networking and have no interest, anyway? It drains you? It never works? You don’t have time? You don’t need to? It’s phony, self-serving, fake, inauthentic, superfi - cial, conniving, manipulative, and useless? Hold it right there. Take a sip of water. Pull yourself together. THIS BOOK IS REQUIRED READING 3 Introverts, the overwhelmed, and the underconnected fail at traditional networking by following advice never intended for us in the fi rst place. In my experience, people who proclaim to hate networking also believe they are not good at it.