The National Center for Transgender Equality is a national social justice organization devoted to ending discrimination and violence against transgender people through education and advocacy on national issues of importance to transgender people. By empowering transgender people and our allies to educate and influence policymakers and others, NCTE facilitates a strong and clear voice for transgender equality in our nation’s capital and around the country. NCTE is a 501(c)3 organization. For more information, please visit www.NCTEquality.org. The Human Rights Campaign Coming Out Project is a program designed to help gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people come out and start living openly. The HRC Coming Out Project also creates resources to help GLBT and straight-supportive people talk about their support for equality at home, at work and in their communities. Visit www.hrc.org/comingout for more information. All photos in this guide are the work of Mariette Pathy Allen. HRC and NCTE thank her for providing these powerful images. TRANSGENDER COMING OUT AS OUT COMING Remember, there’s Contents no right or wrong way to come out or live openly. You decide how, where 2 Welcome and when based on what’s right for you. 4 Being Open With Yourself 6 Deciding to Tell Others 8 A Note On Transitioning 12 Making a Coming Out Plan 15 Having the Conversation 18 For Family and Friends 21 The Coming Out Continuum 22 Ten Things Every American Ought To Know 24 Glossary of Terms 26 Some Myths and Facts 28 A Message from Joe Solmonese 29 A Message from Mara Keisling This guide was designed to help you and your Welcome loved ones through that process in realistic and practical terms. It acknowledges that the experience of coming out covers the full spectrum of human emotion — from paralyzing fear to unbounded euphoria. The Human Rights Campaign and its Coming Out Project and the National Center for From the earliest age, children Transgender Equality hope this guide helps you are taught that there are girls and meet the challenges and opportunities that living there are boys. But our history authentically can offer to each of us. books are rich with individuals A Special Note: who have blurred — or even No resource can be fully applicable to every crossed — those lines. member of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community. Beyond this general guide to coming out, the Human Rights Campaign While gender is presented to us as a mutually recently published Transgender Americans: A exclusive pair — male and female — the truth is Handbook for Understanding, with the supporting that gender is a rich, broad spectrum that comes in partnership of the National Center for Transgender as many forms as there are people. Equality and the Transgender Law & Policy Institute. This guide offers a more comprehensive For many people, expressing gender is an look at the myriad issues faced by transgender unconscious action. It’s as simple as styling your Americans. Download the guide by visiting hair or tying a tie. It causes no angst or uncertainty. www.hrc.org/transgender. But for those whose gender identity, or innate The National Center for Transgender Equality also sense of gender, doesn’t match with the one they offers a range of resources at www.nctequality.org were assigned at birth, it can be a complex and that can help transgender people, friends, family difficult undertaking. and co-workers wherever they are on the path Many of these individuals come to identify as to understanding. transgender, an umbrella term that describes a wide The Human Rights Campaign’s other resources range of people who experience or express their include materials specifically designed for gender in different, sometimes non-traditional, ways. transitioning in the workplace, coming out in places Transgender people must make deeply personal of worship and coming out in African-American, decisions to be open and honest about who we are Latino/a and other communities. Visit www.hrc.org with ourselves and others — even when it isn’t easy. for additional information. We express that openness by being our full and complete selves among our friends, our family, our co-workers and, sometimes, even strangers. Each of us meets this challenge in our own way and in our own time. Throughout the process of coming out and living ever more authentic lives, you should always be in the driver’s seat about how, where, when and with whom you choose to be open. 2 Transgender people who identify as cross- Being Open dressers and some transsexuals may feel little need to come out to others. They may cross- With Yourself dress in private and consider it a harmless but compelling aspect of their personalities. Some transgender people who are considering coming out identify as transsexual. They have a sense of gender that does not match their sex as From birth, most of us are raised assigned at birth. Whether by asking friends, family to think of ourselves as fitting and co-workers to use another name and pronoun, or by undergoing a medical transition, coming out into a certain mold. Our culture to others is critical. and families teach us that we are Given the diversity among transgender people, “supposed” to look, act and carry there’s no single rule to be applied as to whether a ourselves in certain ways. person will or even should come out to others. But the one thing we all have in common is that we Few of us were told that we might have a gender take our first step by being open with ourselves. identity that differs from the body into which we were born or that we might feel compelled to express our Throughout the coming out process, gender in ways that aren’t traditionally associated it’s normal to feel: with the gender we were assigned at birth. n Scared n That’s why so many of us are scared, worried or Confused n confused when facing these truths in ourselves. We Guilty n can spend a lifetime attempting to hide it, hoping Empowered n against hope that it’s not true or that it might Exhilarated n someday simply go away. Relieved n Proud There is no one moment when it’s “right” to be n Uncertain open with oneself. Some transgender people n Brave have long battled with living lives they think they’re n Affirmed supposed to live instead of the lives they know they were meant to live. And some come to question their gender identities and expressions suddenly. FINDING A COMMUNITY Transgender people come out during all stages For many of us who have just come out to ourselves as and walks of life — when they’re teens, when transgender, it’s important to find others who share similar they’re seniors; when they’re married, when they’re experiences and emotions. Finding a community of peers single; when they have children, when they don’t. can help us feel less alone on our new paths and can answer Some transgender people come out simply by questions we might have about next steps. having the courage to be different. This can If you live near a major city, you may find support or social range from women who express themselves in groups nearby. For those living in less urban areas, finding an traditionally masculine ways to men who do things official group may be more difficult. But transgender people that are generally considered feminine. For many of live in every corner of the world, and you are not alone. One these people, coming out is never a question. They place to start is the Internet. A wide range of transgender are out simply by being themselves. communities exists online. Whether by subscribing to an e-mail group or joining an online community, you can find numerous resources on the Web. 4 Deciding to Tell Others Some transgender people who are coming out to others have reached a breaking point in their lives where it’s too difficult to hide who they are any longer. Whether it’s the cross-dresser burdened with Some Benefits of Coming Out: a secret he’s hidden from his spouse or it’s a n young lesbian who feels she doesn’t fit into a Living an open and whole life n traditional gender role, transgender people feel Developing closer, more genuine relationships n compelled to share who they are so as to have Building self-esteem from being known and loved stronger and more authentic relationships with for who we really are n those closest to them. Reducing the stress of hiding our identity n Having authentic and open friendships with other After coming out, many people feel as if a great transgender people weight has been lifted from their shoulders. In n Helping to dispel myths and fears about the process of coming out, they may also break transgender people down stereotypes and other barriers as they live n Becoming a role model for others more open lives. n Making it easier for younger transgender people who will follow in our footsteps While there are benefits, there can also be serious risks and consequences involved in coming out. The decision is yours and yours alone. It’s Some Risks/Consequences of Coming Out: important to weigh both risks and benefits before n making a choice to tell others. Not everyone will be understanding or accepting n Family, friends and co-workers may be shocked, confused or even hostile n Some relationships may permanently change n You may experience harassment, discrimination or violence “ There are just as many n You may be thrown out of your home gender identities as n You may lose your job there are individuals.