1 SPRING 2016 C O M P A “One of the best ways of becoming an effective parent—or, for This publication is not for sale or resale. that matter, an effective human being—is to understand the per- ceptions of other people, to be able to “get into their world.” The materials contained herein are intended as edu- ― Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline: The First Three Years: From Infant to Tod- cational and informational dler--Laying the Foundation for Raising a Capable, Confident Child materials only. Materials are not a substitute for Copyright 2016 counseling or mental health Distribution and/or reproduction of all materials without prior con- services and not provided as sent of each individual contributor is a violation of copyright. For re- such. print permission of articles, please contact individual contributors di- rectly. If you are concerned about your child’s health and de- Positive Discipline is a program developed by Dr. Jane Nelsen. It is based on velopment please contact the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs and designed to teach young your health provider. people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities. All writers for COMPASS have been trained and certified through the Positive Discipline Association, a non-profit organization dedicat- Editorial Director ed to creating respectful relationships in homes and schools. Ariadne Brill [email protected] A Little Bit of Back Talk The spring compass was outstanding. -Joyce N. I’ve been putting some tips on cooking with kids into practice and it makes my evenings so much smoother. Thanks for showing me that I can be connecting and cooking at the same time. -Anja G. Send us your feedback and questions. We would love to hear from you. [email protected] In This Issue Image via © via jul14ka Image design Brill Ariadne Cover Mommy, What Did I do That Was Good Today? …………………………………………………………………….....4 Say Good-Bey to the Lunch Box Blues…………………………………..…………………... …………….……………...7 The Imperfect Path to Responsibility ……….. …………...…………………………...…………………………..……...10 Encouragement and The Parent-Child Relationship……………...……..….…………………………..…………….13 Routines to End Morning & Evening Struggles…………………... ……………………………………….…………...16 Misbehavior After School...Help Children Feel and Do Better …………………...……………………….....20 Three Ways to “Connect Before Correct”………………………………………………..………………………………….22 Lazy Parenting and Positive Discipline ……………. ……………………………..………………..…………………....24 Four Ways To Keep Calm and Control Your Own Behavior …………….…………………..……...………….27 Positive Discipline in The Classroom ……………………………...………………………..…….…………...…….…..29 Magic Fairy Dust for Parents ………………………………………... …………….…………………..……...………….34 Discipline without Disciplining and Teaching Self Control .………………………..…….…………...…….…..37 What do Toddlers Really Know about NO …….. .………………………..…….…………...…….……………..41 3 3 Mommy, What Did I Do That Was Good Today? By Anna Partridge are so focused on teaching these things it is easy to forget to see our kids for who they al- was putting my son to bed last night and I ready are. If we spend time with our kids and talking to him about the day. We were reflect- meet them in the moment, we are able to see ing about something he had done that wasn’t who they are, learn all their different quirks great and thinking of ways he could do it bet- and characteristics and parent from there. ter next time. Half way through the conversa- “Take some time to tell your child tion he rolled over and said to me ‘Mommy, you like them today, and list the what did I do that was good today?’ reasons why. Then watch in wonder I realized I had slipped into criticizing; focus- as they blossom before your eyes. ing on the negative and dwelling on the things Words of recognition and apprecia- my son hadn’t done well. Sadly, I was so fo- tion to a child are like sunshine and cused on correcting the bad things that I had rain to a flower.” L.R.Knost missed the good. I was parenting him for the future and he just needed me to meet him in The key here is to be present with our kids, the present moment. rather than trying to ‘fix’ them all the time. They are not broken; we don’t need to fix Kids live in the moment – unlike adults, they them. We need to ‘be’ with our kids to know don’t dwell on the past or focus on what is what they can and can’t do, to know how to happening in two weeks time – they live for guide and mentor them in the best way we can now. Our job is to meet them there. So we and to really love and appreciate them for who changed our conversation to talk about all the they are. good things my son had done that day. It light- ened the mood and we relived the many fun How do we find the balance? Here are 7 ways moments we had had together. to be present, while still parenting for the fu- ture. 1. Slow down the pace Parenting is a tricky balance be- We are living life at a tremendous speed. Soci- tween seeing our kids for who they ety deems us to live at this hurried, crazy pace already are and at the same time and we are reaching the maximum capacity of parenting them for the future. the ‘hurry up’ culture. We are ferrying our kids from one after school activity to another, we are filling in every moment of the day with We want to teach our kids to be kind, caring, something and we are constantly in a rush to model citizens, resilient, self confident, emo- get somewhere. We are telling our kids to tionally stable, and intelligent – but when we ‘hurry up and eat your breakfast’, ‘hurry up “Parent for the future, and meet kids in the now.” and get your shoes on’, ‘hurry up and grow up’. in their lunch box means much If we slow down the pace of our lives enough more to our kids than setting up an to take in the wonder and awe of our children, hour every second weekend to do ‘special we can see who they really are and nurture it. time’. They want to live for now so join them in It is in this down time that we are building the it. strong, connected family relationships and liv- 4. Say YES more often ing for the moment. It is also in this time that we can have fun with our kids and build posi- Provide plenty of opportunities to have fun tive memories. with your kids. How often does your child say ‘Can we go to the park and get an ice-cream?’. 2. Perfection is an illusion No. ‘Can we go on a bike ride?’. Not right now. A lot of the time we are parenting our kids to ‘Can we go to the beach?’. Not today. Why not? be the ‘model citizen’. We are pushing and pol- Because we have filled our lives with so many ishing them to be perfect and forget that per- other plans and arrangements, we run out of fection is actually an illusion. We are all hu- time to do the fun things with our kids.Being man and have our faults and differences – so spontaneous and saying yes allows us to have do our kids. Disciplining can quickly change to fun with our kids and live the positives in life. criticism and we become critical of every little Childhood is so short. My daughter turns 11 in thing our child does ‘wrong’. It is actually OK a few weeks and she already wants to be with for our kids to make mistakes and learn from her friends more than she wants to be with us. them. It is OK if they only do what we want She is creeping into teenager hood and thank- from them for 80 per cent of the time and fully we have snuck in many more fun, ‘yes’ aren’t perfect 100 per cent. We need to be times that we should have in our time togeth- clear on the traits and values we want to instill er. in our children from the very start and pour 5. ‘Be’ with your kids, don’t ‘fix’ our focus only on them. If we try to guide and teach our children to do and be everything, it Our kids don’t need fixing because they are not won’t work. broken. They are born with their own person- alities and traits. If you have more than one 3. Parent for the future, but meet kids in child, you know just how different each per- the now sonality and character can be and while we Kids, by their very nature, live in the moment. have a set ideal in our mind of what our kids Unlike adults, they don’t plan every integral ‘should be like’ each one is not necessarily go- time period of what will happen in two weeks ing to meet that standard. Rather than fixing time and they don’t dwell on what happened a or changing our kids, they need us to be with week ago. They live for now and we need to them and to be there for them as a guide or meet them there. We need to connect with mentor. They need us to know who they are them and have fun with them now. A great and build our relationship around that, rather way to do this is through micro moments of than always trying to turn them into what we connection. A high five at the door on the way want them to be. out in the morning, a wink across the table, a spontaneous dance off in the kitchen or a note 5 6.