Surviving the Addictive Love Cycle A self-help workbook of empowering exercises and strategies to support you through a painful break-up, unrequited love and loss Helen Mia Harris © 2017 HMH Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, sold, stored in a retrieval system, or in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher. This is for your own personal use. For legal reasons we are obliged to state the following: Disclaimer: To the fullest extent permitted by law, HMH Publications Ltd is providing this written material, its subsidiary elements and its contents on an ‘as is’ basis and make no (and expressly disclaim all) representations or warranties of any kind with respect to this written material or its contents, including, without limitation, advice and recommendations, warranties or merchantability, and fitness for a particular purpose. Helen Mia Harris is a registered therapist but offers her insights and advice for guidance only. All dates, place names, titles and events in this account are factual. However, the names have been changed in order to protect privacy and respect patient confidentiality. It is also wise to have face-to-face grief counselling or relationship therapy as this program is by no means the absolute cure for the acute despair one can experience at this devastating time. If you are experiencing: panic, depression, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, anxiety or separation distress, it is vital that you also make an appointment with your local General Practitioner; this can be coupled by seeing a therapist or psychoanalyst in your local area. Surviving the Addictive Love Cycle Workbook Helen Mia Harris Table of Contents Introduction ............................................................................................................... 1 Who Is This Book For? ............................................................................................. 5 Why Do People Become Love Addicted?................................................................. 6 Why I Understand Your Pain .................................................................................. 12 Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? .............................................................................. 14 Regaining Control ................................................................................................... 19 Writing Down the Bones of Your Emotional Experience ...................................... 22 Listening to Silences ............................................................................................... 24 Grieving the Loss of a Loved One .......................................................................... 28 Projection and Fantasy ............................................................................................ 34 Maybe it is about the person we choose? ................................................................ 37 Grieving the Loss of Love ....................................................................................... 42 Moving Through Bowlby's Four Stages of Grief .................................................... 45 The Cycle of Grief ................................................................................................... 55 Healing Guided Visualisation ................................................................................. 59 Exercise 1 ................................................................................................................ 67 The Art of Mindfulness through Words .................................................................. 69 Exercise 2 Part A ..................................................................................................... 71 My Process for Writing ........................................................................................... 73 Exercise 2 Part B – Helen's Example ...................................................................... 75 Exercise 2 Part B ..................................................................................................... 81 Writing Myself Well: Looking Back in Retrospect ................................................ 84 Exercise 3 – Helen's Example ................................................................................. 85 Exercise 3 ................................................................................................................ 87 Surviving the Addictive Love Cycle Workbook Helen Mia Harris Positive Affirmations .............................................................................................. 89 Healing Through Creative Writing ......................................................................... 93 Exercise 4 ................................................................................................................ 96 What happens when we surrender all that we are to another person? .................... 98 The Unsent Letter .................................................................................................. 100 Exercise 5 Part A ................................................................................................... 103 Exercise 5 Part B ................................................................................................... 109 Exercise 5 Part C ................................................................................................... 111 Reclaiming Myself ................................................................................................ 113 Fierce Attachment and the Fear of Abandonment ................................................ 116 Regaining a Healthy Balance Between the Inner Child and the Adult You ......... 122 The Problem with Logic ........................................................................................ 127 Simple Affirmations for Gaining Control over Love Addiction........................... 129 Building Your Future, Free From Love Addiction ............................................... 138 Exercise 6 .............................................................................................................. 146 The Invisible Woman: What is it I Desire and Want? .......................................... 149 Expanding Your Needs and Wants through Writing ............................................ 152 Exercise 7: Thoughts Flow Like a River ............................................................... 155 The Rubber Band Technique ................................................................................. 160 Exercise 8 .............................................................................................................. 162 Why Can’t the Other Person Give You What You Need and Want? ................... 164 The Importance of Attachment Styles ................................................................... 167 Separation Anxiety, Anxious Attachment and Abandonment .............................. 170 Love Equilibrium Unbalanced – Pursuer vs. Pursued .......................................... 175 Passionate Attraction - The Changing Emotional Cycles between Love Addiction vs. Love Avoidance ............................................................................................... 177 Surviving the Addictive Love Cycle Workbook Helen Mia Harris Exercise 9 .............................................................................................................. 181 Five Steps to Changing Patterns ............................................................................ 192 Co-dependency and Narcissistic Fierce Attachments ........................................... 203 How Do You Know When to Leave Someone When They’re Not Emotionally Good for You? ....................................................................................................... 210 Four Signs That Someone Isn’t Good For You .................................................... 216 Co-dependency – The Heart of Love Addiction ................................................... 218 Guided Visualisation ............................................................................................. 220 Exercise 10 ............................................................................................................ 222 A Guided Journey .................................................................................................. 235 The No Contact Process: “Going Cold Turkey” ................................................... 238 Exercise 11 ............................................................................................................ 253 The Secret Power Word ........................................................................................ 257 Attaining Solitude and Emotional Freedom .......................................................... 261 Three Ways to Defeat Love Withdrawal ............................................................... 262 Visualization: Surviving a Breakup and Reclaiming Solitude and Solace ........... 267 Love and Other Drugs ........................................................................................... 274 Understanding How Our Brain Chemistry and Emotions are Entwined .............. 277 Eight Practical Tips to Help You Break Free ........................................................ 281 Taking Back Your Power ...................................................................................... 292 Finding Self-Empowerment and Reclaiming Your Own Voice ..........................