About this book: I use the simple, yet transformative, processes in this book regularly in my practice with astounding results—ten times the progress in one quarter the time. Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., Psychologist, author of For Yourself and The Pause. If you read only one book this year, make it this one. While the world of psychotherapy is dizzy trying to learn techniques, here is one of the very few books that provides enduring value! Stephen Lankton, MSW, DAHB, author of 15 books, including The Answer Within, Practical Magic, and Tales of Enchantment. With specific instruction, real-life examples, and an all-important sense of humor, Steve Andreas unpacks this vitally important process clearly and succinctly, going 'under the hood' to show you how to rebuild, fine tune, and change your self-concept and self-esteem. Bill O'Hanlon, MFT, author/coauthor of 20 books, including Do One Thing Different and In Search of Solutions. If someone told you that you could quickly and radically transform your life and increase your feelings of self worth—without having to undergo elaborate psychotherapy, a long-term major personality overhaul, or take anti-depressants—would you want to know how? Read this book now! You'll find powerful processes for creating self-acceptance and self-love. Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, author, Divorce Busting and The Divorce Remedy. In this beautiful and often brilliant book, Steve Andreas addresses the core distinction of personal identity. The examples are lucid, the methods are practical and eminently useful, and the writing is exceptionally clear. I highly recommend it!' Stephen Gilligan, Ph.D, author of Therapeutic Trances and The Courage to Love. You expect to have your eyes opened about self-concept by reading this book, and they are. Then it turns out to be much more: an exploration of many of the ins and outs and mysteries of being human, too. Steve's astonishing directness and inviting confidence make it all easy to hear and take in. David Gordon, MFT, author of Therapeutic Metaphor. Many have traveled to the misty land of identity and self-concept, but until now, none have returned with a comprehensive framework of understanding. This remarkable book is elegant, understandable, and above all, eminently practical. Glen Johnson, M.D., psychiatrist. In this innovative and engaging book, Steve Andreas provides a clear lens for better seeing the core of who we are. He shatters some popular myths about self-concept and self-esteem, replacing them with useful concepts and practical strategies for enhancing our selves. Michael D. Yapko, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist, author of Breaking the Patterns of Depression. Transforming Your Self fulfills its promise. When you read it and take time to do the simple, practical, "how to" exercises, you will come away with a deeper understanding of yourself, like yourself better, and live your life more consciously. Tim and Kris Hallbom, NLP trainers This work is the best and most thorough example of NLP modeling excellence. The organization, sequencing, breadth of thinking, and rigor in distinguishing between structure/process and content shines throughout. I love the teaching style: clear distinctions, examples, humor, demonstration, and gems of practical wisdom in every chapter. I have used many of these methods in my own life, and my clients are also using them to get immediate results. Kirk VandenBerghe, NLP Trainer, Author, Speaker, and Coach. This practical, how-to book is a "must read" for those in the helping professions, as well as those who want to change troublesome aspects of their own self concept. Suzi Smith, co-author of Beliefs: pathways to health and well-being, and other NLP videotapes and audiotapes. Becoming who you want to be by Steve Andreas to my wife Connirae full partner at home and at work for so many years Contents Introduction 1 Basic Understandings 1 Self-concept, Values, and Self-esteem 10 How a self-concept that is aligned with values results in self-esteem. 2 The Power of Self-concept 22 Why a good self-concept is a fundamental key to your success in life. 3 Elements of a Healthy Self-concept 30 The essential criteria that make your self-concept work well. Strengthening the Self 4 Changing Structure 43 Discover and improve the unique structure of your self- concept. 5 Changing Time 65 Make sure your self-concept functions well all the time. 6 Changing Content 82 Enriching and enhancing who you are, and what you can do. vi Contents vii Expanding the Self 7 Utilizing Mistakes 100 Your mistakes can make your self-concept stronger and more accurate. 8 Transforming Mistakes 119 Using mistakes to become even more of who you want to be. 9 Building a New Quality of Self-concept 133 Create an entirely new desired quality or attitude for yourself Transforming the Self 10 Transforming an Uncertain Quality 155 Make a weak quality into a strong basis for who you want to be. 11 Changing the "Not Self 180 Resolving the problems caused by thinking of who you are not. 12 Transforming an Unwanted Quality 195 Change a negative attitude into the positive one that you want. Boundaries of the Self 13 Discovering and Changing Boundaries 217 How to create inner boundaries that protect you more effectively. 14 Connecting with Others 239 How to be intimate, while retaining a strong sense of yourself. Closing 254 Appendix: Perspective Patterns 261 About the Author 274 References 276 Index 278 Acknowledgement When I have thought of whom to acknowledge for their help in devel- oping what is presented in this book, and for creating the book itself, I have always gotten stuck between my first thought, "Where should I start?" and the next, "Where should I end?" So many people have contributed to this work, and the life that it arises out of, that it would take another book to list them all! Over a period of more than two-thirds of a century, many have con- tributed to my life and work: from parents, teachers, friends, family mem- bers, mentors, children, workshop participants, and the beauty of art and science and nature... to chance encounters with strangers, stray comments, books and newspapers, TV shows, and so many other events that have had a part in shaping my life. Who could say which were more important in weaving that intersection of circumstance that I call "myself—who to include and who to leave out? What a privilege to live here at this nexus of events—like a small wave that briefly emerges from the ocean, and then as quickly rejoins it! Tears of gratitude at the thought. So I have decided to keep it simple. Most of you know who you are; I thank you all. You have all been part of this brief journey, and you have all become a part of who I am. Again, many thanks. (Earlier versions of chapters 9, 11, and the Appendix were previously published in the NLP journal Anchor Point magazine.) viii Introduction Do you ever say, or think to yourself, "I'm disappointed with myself; I thought I could do that, but I really blew it," "I wish I felt better about myself," or "I'm so mad at myself; I fall apart at the slightest criticism." How about, "I'm so frustrated with myself," "I'm my own worst enemy; I keep sabotaging myself," or "I wish I could get myself to do that" (or stop doing that)? Have you ever wondered how you got into this unpleasant struggle between "I" and "myself," or how you can get out of it. You know that this struggle isn't necessary, because you also have times when you are very pleased with yourself, satisfied with your decisions and actions. Both your failures and successes often result from the beliefs that you have about yourself, what is often called identity or self-concept. The book that you have in your hands is a practical manual that can teach you how to strengthen the qualities in yourself that you like, and change the qualities that you don't like, so that you can have a much better and more satisfy- ing life. Describing vs. Doing About ten years ago I was invited to teach at a weekend drug and alco- hol conference for therapists and social workers. I was one of about two dozen presenters, including several "big names" in the field. Although I was scheduled for the last session, I attended the entire conference to see what I could learn. I heard many different presenters talk about the impor- tance of self-concept and self-esteem in getting people to stop using drugs. 1 2 Transforming Your Self But in all their words there was virtually nothing about what self-concept or self-esteem actually was, or how to help someone get some of it. Finally on Sunday afternoon I had my group, my little opportunity. I began by saying to them, "I have been hearing from many presenters, for a day and a half now, that a good self-concept and self-esteem are really important in getting people to stop using drugs. Do you all agree with that?" "Oh, yeah," they all nodded their heads. I said, "Good. I have two questions for you. The first question is, 'What is it that you've been talking about that is so important?' And my second question is, 'How would you go about helping someone get some of it?'" When I asked those questions the room got very quiet. Then I said, "Let's pretend that I'm someone who is hooked on drugs.