5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD Dear Dad: I know you want to be a great father—a terrific role model whom your children respect and admire. And the research is clear: Your children are calling out, begging for your attention. Children thrive when they have an involved father— someone who loves them, knows them, guides them, and helps them achieve their destiny. Statistics speak for themselves: When children do not have involved fathers, they are more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol, and be involved with premarital pregnancy. They are more likely to grow to be adults who live in poverty, and they are more likely to turn to crime. When a father’s presence isn’t as strong as it should be, children have lower self-esteem. Their grades suffer. They develop unhealthy views about male-female relationships. Unfortunately, today’s culture does not provide dads with practical advice they need—at least not nearly at the level of guidance available to mothers. So what about dads? At the National Center for Fathering, we want to provide dads with the research and the tools to become great role models and loving fathers who do their best to raise confident, principled children. Our goal is to change the culture for today’s children (and the children of coming generations) by unleashing 6.5 million dads who are committed to Championship Fathering. 2 — BE A CHAMPIONSHIP FATHER | WWW . FATHERS . COM / CF 5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD Join the Movement. Make your Championship Fathering Commitment Today at www.fathers.com/cf. This free book is our latest initiative to provide dads with the resources they need to engage with their kids and be part of the Championship Fathering movement. Please read the book, cover-to-cover. Absorb it. Imple- ment the suggestions that resonate with you. And when you are done, forward it another dad who loves his children. (Or, better yet, forward it to five other dads who love their chil- dren!) Be sure to find us on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+. Let’s change the culture of fathering together! Sincerely, P.S. “Daddy, you’re my hero.” How much would you love to hear those words? You can. Make the Championship Fathering Commitment here. 3 — BE A CHAMPIONSHIP FATHER | WWW . FATHERS . COM / CF Contents 6 Five Things Every Daughter MUST GET from Dad 37 Five Things Every Son MUST GET from Dad www.fathers.com (This material is based on a framework developed by the Center’s founder, Dr. Ken Canfield, whose work continues to inspire and equip fathers.) 4 — BE A CHAMPIONSHIP FATHER | WWW . FATHERS . COM / CF 5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD At the National Center for Fathering, we believe that every child needs a dad she or he can count on. The research is clear: children thrive when they have an involved father—someone who loves them, knows them, guides them, and helps them achieve their destiny. This free book is part of our ongoing efforts to provide prac- tical, research-based training and resources that inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. This book focuses on daughters and sons separately, provid- ing one section for fathers of daughters and one for fathers of sons. That said, many of the ideas are universal to all children, so be sure to check out each section, regardless of your child’s gender. 5 — BE A CHAMPIONSHIP FATHER | WWW . FATHERS . COM / CF Five Things Every Daughter MUST GET from DAD IN MANY FAMILIES, dads guide their sons and moms guide their daughters. But particularly as girls mature, they need their dads’ perspective as they approach significant crossroads. Daughters need the benefit of their dads’ life experiences and wisdom as they consider important life decisions and think 5through possible consequences of their choices. Your daughter also needs to know that you cherish her as a person and you admire her as a lovely young woman. She isn’t just another person; she is special and unique, and worthy of your attention. She is royalty. Here are five things your daughter MUST GET from you … 6 — BE A CHAMPIONSHIP FATHER | WWW . FATHERS . COM / CF 5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD - 1 - She needs you to give her words of comfort. What would be your first words to your daughter if … • She lost something important? • She injured herself in a minor accident because she was being careless? • She caused a fender-bender? • She came to you and told you that she’s pregnant? What would your first words be? Would they be comforting words, or words of anger, disappointment, and judgment? Daughters around the country tell us the same thing: They do not think they can talk to their dads about their problems because they are afraid of what their dads will say or do. They do not sense unconditional accep- tance from their dads. If they make a mistake, daughters feel their dads will judge them and be disappointed, first and fore- most. Though we do not think a dad should relax his values or stop having high expectations for his daughter’s behavior, 7 — BE A CHAMPIONSHIP FATHER | WWW . FATHERS . COM / CF 5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD sometimes comforting a daughter is more important than driving home a point. Certainly, comforting a daughter is more important than proving that you are right. You will have other opportunities to teach your daughter about right and wrong, but if your daughter comes to you with a problem, your first priority should be to comfort her by: 1. Allowing her to express her feelings, 2. Actively listening to her, and 3. Responding with empathy. This three-tiered process for comforting your daughter is particularly important if she is disappointed or if she has dis- appointed you. First, allow her to express her feelings. Your daughter needs freedom to express what she’s think- ing, knowing that you will respond calmly. Even when your daughter has made a mistake, keeping your cool and refusing to overreact are important steps if you want to build a rela- tionship that encourages your daughter to come to you and tell you whatever is in her heart or on her mind. The secret is to establish a relationship of acceptance dur- ing the day-to-day ups and downs of life with your daughter. Demonstrate that she is accepted, no matter what—that she can come to you about anything. Then, when a crisis occurs, she will be much more likely to reach for you. 8 — BE A CHAMPIONSHIP FATHER | WWW . FATHERS . COM / CF 5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD Let’s say that your teenage daugh- ter has a friend whom you think is bad news. They have a fight, and your daughter becomes the victim of her former friend’s bullying tac- tics. She confides in you. You might be tempted to say, “I told you not to hang out with her!” But resist the temptation. More important is that your daughter feels that she can confide in you. So replace the judgmental words with consoling words like, “Are you okay?” Show her that her emotions, comfort, and safety are your main concern. Closely related to the first, actively listening to your daughter is an important part of comforting her. Allowing her to express herself won’t make a difference if you don’t also ask clarifying questions, clear your mind of precon- ceptions, read her voice inflections and body language, and keep listening for the heart of her concern. Actively listening to your daughter means that you use your ears, eyes, mouth, heart, and body language. 9 — BE A CHAMPIONSHIP FATHER | WWW . FATHERS . COM / CF 5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD • With your ears, listen to her words. • With your eyes, look for facial expressions and non-verbal cues she might be sending. • With your mouth, ask follow-up questions to make sure you understand. • With your heart, tune into the feelings your daughter is communicating. Pay close attention even if your daughter is talking about something you think is trivial. Remember that she feels the subject is important, so try to tune into her feelings instead of your own judgment. Always keep in mind that you want her to keep coming back to you when more important matters are on her mind. 10 — BE A CHAMPIONSHIP FATHER | WWW . FATHERS . COM / CF 5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD • With your body, demonstrate through your own facial expressions and non-verbal cues that you are interested and ready to hear more. Put down the paper, turn the TV off, shift your whole body away from the computer—whatever it takes to give your complete attention to your daughter. And third, respond with empathy when consequences are necessary. If your daughter misbehaves, consequences are necessary. But instead of showing anger, try showing empathy and sadness. This allows your daughter to contemplate and learn from her mistakes. On the other hand, when parents respond with anger, daughters miss the lesson because they are too angry, frustrated, or resentful. Anger + Consequences = More Anger Empathy + Consequences = Opportunities to Learn and Self-Correct When a child misbehaves, a dad’s first reaction is often to try to fix the problem, launching into a lecture about what she should do, or what lesson she should learn. But if you simply express sadness about the situation and concern for what your child is going through, your daughter will know you are there for her.