AA HAPPYHAPPY MARRIEDMARRIED LIFELIFE A Guide for Counselors and Faith Leaders working with Married Couples in Christian and Muslim Communities in Malawi in the context of HIV and AIDS Publication Data The “A Happy Married Life’ was produced with technical assistance from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health Center for Communication Programs with generous support from the United States Agency for International Development (USAID). Published by: Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health Center for Communication Programs, 2012 © Permission to Duplicate This publication may be reproduced without permission provided material is distributed free of charge and the collaboration of Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health Center for Communication Programs is acknowledged. Information on use Comments from users and information about obtaining the Guide and training to use it may be directed to: Glory Mkandawire Johns Hopkins University Bloomberg School of Public Health Center for Communication Programs BRIDGE II Project P.O. Box 30782 Lilongwe, Malawi Tel: (265) 01 750 733 / 553 Fax: (265) 01 750 496 Email: [email protected] Requests for information about materials and training to use and adapt the guide for other countries may be directed to: Director, Strategic Communication Program Unit Johns Hopkins University Bloomberg School of Public Health Center for Communication Programs 111 Market Place, Suite 310 Baltimore, Maryland 21202 USA Tel: (410) 659 6300 Fax (410) 659 6266, Email: [email protected] website: http://www.jhuccp.org Acknowledgements The ‘A Happy Married Life’ guide was co-authored by Assana Magombo, Jane Brown Leanne Wolf and Glory Mkandawire. Additional input was provided by the Taskforce Team: Jessy Puwapuwa (Blantyre Synod Health Development), Ellen Molosi (Evangelical Association of Malawi) Emily Kaimba (Chikwawa Diocesse), Mary Ganiza (Arch Diocese), Idah Yusufu (Quadria Muslim Aassociation of Malawi), Shekh Matola (Muslim Association of Malawi ), Sheikh H.Kassam Saizi (Quadria Muslim Association of Malawi ), > A happy married life i Patrick Kaudzu (Student Christian Organisation of Malawi), Ps. Anderson Mataka (Assemblies of God), Ps. Constance Kadango (Seventh Day Adventist), Ps. Peterson Kamanga (Seventh Day Adventist ), Sheikh Kangomba (Muslim Aassociation of Malawi ), Salome Ziwaya and Dean Alick Msuku (Evangelical Lutheran Development Services), Zione Chimalizeni (Zomba Diocese), Godfrey Mkandawire (Malawi Council of Churches) and Malawi Interfaith Aids Association (MIAA) BRIDGE II organised a review workshop that provided the opportunity for the Taskforce members mentioned above to contribute to the Guide. Religious Leaders of these institutions also contributed their invaluable input. We would also like to thank Ps Semphere, who refined, formatted and translated the Guide to Chichewa. Final revisions and design were made by the BRIDGE II Project Team. Some of the information found in the guide was adapted from the following resources: The Total Marriage: A guide to a successful marriage, Jeffrey and Pattiejean Brown (2001), Answers for your Marriage, Bruce and Carol Britten (1995), Happiness for Husbands and Wives, Shyrock H (1970), Planting Our Tree of Hope: A Toolkit on Positive Prevention for People Living with HIV, Basalla, L. and Deutsch B. et al. (2008), Heart to Heart Communication, Vanpelt N. (2008), and Communication for Couples, By Nancy Van Pelt (2008). Hand in Hand Bible studies to transform our response to HIV, Isabel Carter and Maggie Sandilands- Tearfund (2010), Keys to a Healthy Relationship: A Guide to Reduce HIV Transmission and Strengthen Long-Term Committed Relationships (2007), A Theological Call to Action; A Statement by The International HIV/AIDS Faith Advisory Board of The Balm In Gilead This counseling guide for couples is made possible by the generous support of the American people through the United States Agency for International Development (USAID). The contents are the responsibility of Malawi’s BRIDGE II Project and do not necessarily reflect the views of USAID or the United States Government. > ii A happy married life Acronyms AIDS - Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome >ARV - Anti-Retroviral BSHDC - Blantyre Synod Health and Development Commission CK - Chikwawa ELDS - Evangelical Lutheran Development Services ELM - Evangelical Association of Malawi FBO - Faith-Based Organization HIV - Human ImmunodeficiencyVirus MAM - Muslim Association of Malawi MCC - Malawi Council of Churches MIAA - Malawi Interfaith Aids Association MTCT - Mother to Child Transmission of HIV NVP - Nevirapine PMTCT - Prevention of Mother to Child Transmission of HIV QMAM - Quadria Muslim Association of Malawi SCOM - Student Christian Organization of Malawi SDA - Seventh Day Adventist > A happy married life iii Table of contents Acknowledgements i-ii >Part 1: Introduction ...................................................................................1 Part 2: How to use the guide .....................................................................3 Part 3 A: Counseling review .........................................................................7 Part 3 B: Values reflection ............................................................................9 Part 3 C: Follow-up and continued guidance ..............................................15 Chapter 1: Choosing a life partner ...............................................................1:1 Chapter 2: Marriage – A gift from God/Allah ..............................................2:1 Chapter 3: Communication: The key to happiness.......................................3:1 Chapter 4: Sex in marriage: A gift from God/Allah .....................................4:1 Chapter 5: Sex outside marriage ..................................................................5:1 Chapter 6: Living with discordancy in marriage and PMTCT .....................6:1 Chapter 7: Conflict management and resolution .........................................7:1 Chapter 8: Marriage and the blessings of children .......................................8:1 Chapter 9: Enjoying life and growing together ........................................... 9:1 Summary of the book ....................................................................................... 9:17 Annexes: How is HIV spread ................................................................... 9:17 Multiple concurrent sexual partnerships .................................. 9:18 Discordance .............................................................................. 9:19 PMTCT .................................................................................... 9:22 Life skills ................................................................................. 9:24 > iv A happy married life Part 1: Introduction Welcome to “A Happy Married Life’’ – a guide for counselors and faith leaders working with couples of christian and muslim communities in Malawi. >This guide is designed for faith leaders and others who have been trained and assigned the duty to provide couples counseling by their church or mosque. The guide focuses on working with those about to get married and married couples to build a strong foundation for their union in order to help prevent HIV from entering the home. Additional information is provided to help counsel discordant couples living with HIV so they can have a healthy and loving marriage. In Malawi, the faith-based community has been playing an active and vital role in the prevention of HIV and helping those living with the virus to live a fulfilling life. Counseling for married couples is a very important part of that response and faith- based bodies are in a unique position to provide this guidance. Faith communities have the advantage of meeting regularly and frequently, in special groups and religious gatherings on a weekly basis. These meetings provide an important opportunity for counseling, sharing experiences and inspiration. Faith-based leaders are respected among their congregants who turn to them for advice, guidance and counsel in times of need and perplexity. Malawi has one of the highest HIV rates in Southern Africa. Many infections are spread within marriages either because one or both of the partners enter the relationship without knowing their HIV status or because they have relations outside the home. Seeking a relationship outside of marriage happens when communication has broken down, intimacy has been lost or the vows made to each other have been forgotten. This Guide will help couples strengthen their marriage by reminding them of their commitment to God/Allah and each other and by offering practical skills on how to better communicate and express their love. Goal and objectives The goal of the guide is to enhance the faith-based response to HIV prevention by providing trained counselors with practical counseling sessions and scripture and verse references to help couples build stronger marriages and avoid bringing HIV into the home, avoid re-infection and protect the uninfected partner. The objectives of the counseling sessions are to: • Give confidence and courage to people planning to get married by helping them choose a partner who is right for them. • Improve couple communication and strengthen intimacy between married couples. • Assure married partners and those entering marriage that obeying the commands of God, is one way to help prevent HIV from entering the home. • Help men and women think through and take responsibility for acting