YOU AND YOUR GENDER IDENTITY: A GUIDE TO DISCOVERY ISBN (ebook edition): 978-0-9974552-0-5 ISBN (print edition): 978-0-9974552-1-2 © 2016 by Dara Hoffman-Fox Cover art and design © 2016 by Jean Mangahas Interior layout and design by Dara Hoffman-Fox Jacket design by Dara Hoffman-Fox “The Hero’s Journey Meets the Gender Identity Journey” © 2016 by Mike King Foreword: “Toward a Transformation of the Self” © 2016 by Zinnia Jones Introduction to You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery © 2016 by Sam Dylan Finch Introduction You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery © 2016 by Zander Keig, LCSW Printed in the United States of America First Edition All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by an information storage and retrieval system (except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review or other endorsement or in a recommendation to be printed in a magazine, newspaper, or on the Internet) without permission in writing from the publisher at [email protected]. Disclaimer: The contents of this book are presented for informational and supportive purposes only and are not intended to replace the services of a mental health or medical professional. Should you have questions about the presented material, contact your own doctor or clinician. Should you need immediate assistance, please contact 911 if it is available in your area or go to the nearest emergency room. Published by DHF Press Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA DEDICATION To the hundreds of counseling clients I’ve been working with since opening my private practice in 2008. Yours are the faces and stories that inspire me to continue forward on my mission: to support and guide those who are transgender and gender non-conforming, and to educate and enlighten those who are not. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS As long as I can remember I have been a “solo artist,” working alone to guarantee complete and total control over everything that I create. Thankfully the process of writing this book has taught (and continues to teach) me to get my head out of my arse and learn to embrace the help of others. As I slowly but surely turned to others for guidance, insight, creative contributions, and encouragement I realized what a beautiful experience it can be to create something as a part of a team instead of all by my stubborn lonesome self. Endless appreciation goes to “Mama’s Girl” and Amber Goodenough for being a part of this endeavor from beginning to end. I am honored and humbled by the incredible introductions written by Zinnia Jones, Sam Dylan Finch, and Zander Keig. Much gratitude as well to my beta readers: Rena V., Dr. Traci Lowenthal, Aimee Martz Dick, MA, LPC, Dan Johnson, PhD, Lauren Skar, MA, Sam Dylan Finch, Billie Winterholer, Darlene Tando, LCSW, and Dr. Jennie Thomas. Thanks to Mike King and Jean Mangahas for their graphic design talents, as well as Lori Szolwinski and Raen Randolph for their creative contributions. Additional thanks go to Robin McPeek, Jason Doedderlein, Janet Pasewark-Duncan, Brannen Clark, Leah Love, Megan Brubaker, Ashlynn Case, and Kate Siegel. My dad, author and publisher Barry Hoffman is a crucial part of my team as well (not to mention the fact that he passed on to me the writer/educator genes). It’s been a fun bonding experience for us and I look forward to working together in the future. I have gained invaluable advice from podcasts (offered for free by their creators) about self- publishing, running an online business, connecting with one’s audience, and so much more. I’d like to thank them now for their guidance and inspiration: “Smart Passive Income,” “The Tim Ferriss Show,” “Shrink Wrap Radio,” “Selling the Couch,” “Internet Business Mastery,” “The Fizzle Show,” and “Transition Transmission.” These podcasts keep me much-needed company on my two-hour- long commutes to and from work and help to make this drive one of my favorite parts of the day. Thank you to my favorite coffeehouses in Colorado Springs, Colorado who have put up with me spending hours upon hours taking up space in their establishments as I worked on this book: Rico’s Café & Wine Bar, The Wild Goose Meeting House, Over Easy: A Daytime Eatery, The Principal’s Office, The Perk Downtown, and The Coffee Exchange. Thanks are also in order for Seeds Community Café, where I hosted my book launch party. Also a blanket “shout out” to the mental health professionals who I have befriended through various Facebook groups over the past year for their support and advice. To Kate Bornstein, whose publication My Gender Workbook (1997) was groundbreaking in its approach to gender and gender identity. I am humbled to attempt to follow in your footsteps with this book, Kate! To my wife Lauren—your belief in me has played one of the biggest parts in me discovering and pursuing this life purpose of mine. Thank you for riding out the ups and downs of this crazy year with me and a half and not letting me give up on this incredibly intense project. You epitomize the definition of “life partner” and I am so grateful we found one another. To my daughter Tyler and my stepdaughter Catalina—you are both impressing me so much by how much you stand up for those who are LGBTQ in your schools, your peer groups, and our society. Keep looking for opportunities to teach others! You are the future of our country, and I am tremendously excited to see what that future will bring. To my mom, my brother David, and my sister Cheryl for their continued curiosity and openness about what it is that I do as a gender therapist, educator and advocate. To Joan Hood, Julie Norris, Emily Carney, Twyla Gabbard, Rhonda Strouse, Dr. Alan DeSantis, Dr. Terry Jones, Dr. Dennis Duffin, Dr. Cathy Calvert, Matt Kailey, Ryan Acker, and Peggy Heart— teachers and mentors who all played an instrumental part in me becoming who I am today as a gender therapist, writer and educator. To my Grandma and Grandpa Hoffman and my Grandpa Toman—wish you could be here to see that I wrote a book. To Andy and Marla Hoffman, Dee and Charles Travella, and Bruce Redline— glad you are indeed here to see it! To my long-time friends Alison Andrews, Donna Schied, Kirsten Jons, Erika Frost, Brenda Gray, Nathan Graham, and Shannon Miller for playing integral parts in my own self-discovery journey over the years. To Will Hanson, my family’s “house-helper” and pet-care provider you are such a blessing! Thank you for providing me with the time, space, and peace of mind to be able to give this book the tremendous amount of attention it has asked of me over the past year and a half. To the hundreds of teens and adults who learn about my work through the magic of the internet—it is because of your feedback, questions, and insight that I am able to answer the all-important question, “How can I help?” This book is a direct result of the communication that exists between you and I. Thank you for trusting me. Your refusal to give up in your search for your answers is my inspiration to continue doing what I do. TABLE OF CONTENTS Foreword: “Toward a Transformation of the Self,” by Zinnia Jones…………………………………………..11 Introduction to You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery, by Sam Dylan Finch……….13 Introduction You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery, by Zander Keig………………….14 Introduction You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery, by Dara Hoffman-Fox……..…17 The Ins and Outs of This Guide………………………………………………………………..…………………….………19 Self-Care Checklist……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….25 Stage One: Preparation……………………………………………………………………………………………………26 Introduction………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...27 The Hero’s Journey Meets the Gender Identity Journey (Illustration) ………………………………28 Chapter One: “Why Do I Need to Find Out the Truth?” ………………………….………………………..29 Creating a Logline…………………………….…………………………….……………………………………..30 Chapter Two: “Hold On, This is Nerve-Wracking!” …………………………….……………………………35 Calling Out Your Fears…………………………….……………………….………………….…………………36 Chapter Three: Feeling the Fear & Doing It Anyway…………………………….…………………………..39 Learning to Work Together with Your Fear…………………………….………………………………..40 Setting Appointment Times with Your Fear…………………………….……………………………….43 Taking a Positive Approach…………………………….……………………….……………………………..46 Be Kind to Yourself…………………………….………………………….………………………………………48 Find a Mentor…………………………….…………………………….……………………….…………………..51 Building a Support Team…………………………….…………………………….……………………………56 Summary of Your Responses…………………………….…………………………….……………………………..62 Stage Two: Reflection…………………………….…………………………….………………………………………….64 Introduction…………….……………………………………….………………………………….………………………65 Chapter One: You & Your Gender Identity: Childhood…………….……………………………………….67 Understanding Your Experience of Gender Identity in Childhood…………….………….…….70 Your Unique Experience of Gender Identity in Childhood…………….…………………….……..72 Reflecting on Your Childhood Years…………….………………………………….……………………….74 Chapter Two: You & Your Gender Identity: Adolescent/Teenage Years…………….…………….….76 Identity Formation…………….……………………………………….………………………………….………78 Here Comes Puberty…………….……………………………………….……………………………………….81 Reflecting on Your Adolescent/Teenage Years…………….………………………………..…....83 Chapter Three: The Role of Shame & Guilt…………….…………………………………..…………..…..85 How Much is Shame Controlling Your Gender Identity Exploration? ……………..……88 How Much is Guilt Controlling Your Gender Identity Exploration? ……….……….……92 How Much is Shame