WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT DATING VIOLENCE A TEEN’S HANDBOOK “I think dating violence is starting at a younger age. It happened to me when I was 14 and I didn’t know what to do. We were friends, and then we started becoming closer. One day, he tried to push himself onto me physically. I didn’t tell anyone for months. I was embarrassed. When I finally told people, the more I talked about it the better I felt. My friend said, ‘You have to remember that you don’t deserve people taking advantage of you.’ A lot of my friends said stuff to him, and it made him feel really stupid about what he had done. The more I talked about it, the more I heard that this stuff happens but it’s not your fault.” — A. R., age 17 table of contents 3 to our teenage friends 4 chapter one: summer’s over 7 chapter two: risky business 10 chapter three: no exit? 14 chapter four: a friend in need 20 chapter five: taking a stand 25 for more information “I’m sorry,” he says, taking her hand. “It’s just that I miss you when you’re not around. I’m sorry I lost my temper.” Excerpted from chapter two. to our teenage friends Your teen years are some of the most exciting and challenging times in your life. You’re meeting new people, forming special friendships and making lifelong decisions. Some of these decisions may involve dating. And while dating can be one of the best things about being a teenager, it brings a host of new feelings and experiences — not all of them good. In fact, you or your friends may be dating someone who is overly possessive, controlling or critical. These can be warning signs of potential abuse. A survey conducted this spring showed that 31% of teens ages13–17 reported they or a friend experienced dating violence. That’s why we worked with teens around the country to write this handbook. Dating violence is a tough subject to talk about, and we want to offer you guidance on how to recognize it, how to talk about it and where to go for help. Dating violence is also often seen as 3 a “women’s” issue, so many young men may not feel comfortable dealing with it. We’ve tried to help change this by providing information for both young women and young men. If you’re in a violent dating relationship, or if you’re worried about a friend, this handbook is a good place to start finding solutions. It tells the story of Angela and Joe, a fictional teenage couple in a violent relationship, and the friends who care about them. We hope it will raise awareness and help us all work together to create a society intolerant of abuse. Paul R. Charron Jackson Katz Rosalind Wiseman Paul R. Charron is the Jackson Katz founded the Rosalind Wiseman is a chairman and CEO of multiracial, mixed-gender co-founder of the Empower Liz Claiborne Inc., a fashion Mentors in Violence Program, a non-profit organi- apparel and accessories com- Prevention (MVP) Program at zation that empowers youth pany that has been raising Northeastern University’s to stop the culture of violence. awareness and providing Center for the Study of Sport Ms. Wiseman has written a educational materials about in Society. He is also an book and several articles on domestic violence since author, speaker and both violence against women 1991. This handbook is part filmmaker, and released the and girls’ self-esteem. She of the company’s effort to educational film speaks throughout the country draw attention to the issue of in 1999. and has been featured in dating violence among teens. national print and broadcast media. chapter one summer’s over It’s funny how the first day of school always makes things feel so new, Angela thinks, as she climbs up the steps to the large front doors to start her junior year. And not just because of new clothes or new classes. This will be her first school year with a driver’s license; her first with a part-time job; her first with a serious boyfriend. “Angela!” Kayla calls out. Angela smiles with relief as she sees her two best friends, Kayla and Sara, already hanging out by the front doors. “Hey!” she says, walking up to them. “You look so cute!” Sara says, admiring Angela’s new shirt. “So do you,” Angela says. Kayla scans the school building skeptically. “I can’t believe we’re back here,” she says. 4 “I can’t believe yesterday it was still sum- mer and today it’s all over,” says Sara. She turns and smiles at Angela. “But you and Joe stayed together. That’s pretty impressive.” “I know,” says Angela. “Eight months now. We’re like an old married couple!” “Oh, come on,” says Kayla. “You’re the cutest couple in school. Everyone says so. You know it’s true!” Angela smiles. She thinks back to how her relationship with Joe started. It was the best time of her life. She was excited just to see him at school every day, and he would call her every night and they would talk for hours. Her parents loved him. Sometimes the whole family—Joe included — would have dinner and then watch a video. He was always welcome in their home. She gets butterflies in her stomach, though, as she thinks about how intense things have gotten in the last couple of months. He still calls her every night, and now he gets annoyed when she can’t talk to him for long. He’s still really nice to her. But sometimes he can The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that more than 90% of all domestic violence victims are female and most abusers are male. Because of this, this handbook uses “she” when referring to victims and “he” when referring to abusers. Whether the victim is male or female, violence of any kind in relationships is unacceptable. snap at her with a meanness that catches her off guard. That’s what it must be like to be in love, she thinks — when emotions are just so strong. Angela’s pager goes off. It’s Joe. “Oh, I have to go meet Joe. He beeped our code,” she says. “But class starts in five minutes,” says Kayla. “We have to go.” “I’ll meet you guys later,” Angela says. She walks over to the parking lot where she and Joe decided they would meet during school. He’s leaning against his car, looking cute as always, with his backpack at his feet. “Hi,” Angela says, and gives him a quick kiss. “What’s up?” 5 “Nothing’s up,” Joe says. “I just wanted to say hi before we head in for class.” “Oh,” she answers, smiling. “That’s sweet. We have to go, though. The bell just rang.” reality check Nothing is quite as exciting as a first love. It’s the stuff of Romeo and Juliet — passion that sweeps you off your feet. What could be wrong with that? Usually, nothing. But sometimes what can seem like intense love and devotion at first, can really be signs of jealousy, possessiveness and control — characteristics that can be early red flags for relationship abuse.“IF YOU LEAVE ME I’LL KILL MYSELF.” “I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.” “IF YOU GO I DON’T KNOW WHAT I MIGHT DO.” “What’s your hurry? We have the whole year to sit in class.” “Joe, come on. I don’t want to walk in late on the first day.” “Fine,” he says. “You worry too much. Let’s meet back here after school, though. I want to hear how your day was.” “Yeah, that would be great,” Angela says. “Oh, wait a minute, I can’t today. I have a meeting with the yearbook staff after school to divide up photography beats for the year.” “You’re doing yearbook again?” asks Joe. “I thought you weren’t going to do that because it took up so much time. When will we get to hang out if you’re always taking pictures?” “We’ll hang out all the time. It doesn’t take that long. And it’s not every day.” “Maybe you just want to hang around football practice so you can flirt with all the guys while they work out,” Joe says. “Give me a break,” Angela says. “I’ll get to watch you while you practice. And I’ll probably get assigned to the girls’ soccer team or 6 something anyway. Come on, we have to go to class.” “Alright, alright,” Joe says, picking up his books. “Let’s go.” survey says Do you worry about violence in your or your friends’ dating relation- ships? If you do, you’re not the only one. In a recent survey, 26% of teenagers said they are very concerned about dating violence; 31% said they or a friend experienced dating violence. And almost half of all teens surveyed said they were interested in getting more informa- tion about abuse. —Applied Research & Consulting LLC for Liz Claiborne Inc. chapter two risky business That evening, Joe comes over to see Angela before dinner. Joe, Angela and Angela’s mom chat in the kitchen for a few minutes, and her mom laughs as they tell her about their classes and how their first day went. “Can you stay for dinner, Joe?” Angela’s mom asks.