Providence College T e cow SINCEl 1935 Vol. LXXXI No. 21 March 30, 2017 thecowl.com Warning: Alternative Facts Ahead, Read Feed the Bern With Caution #YuckTruck2017 by The “Crooked Media” ’17 The Commanders in Chief DISCLOSURE by Shia Snowflake Labeouf ’17 The Swamp Staff April Fool’s! We know this year’s CAMPUS Scowl stories sound unbelievably real, but they are just part of our attempt at Late last Saturday night, a disheveled good-humored satire. Our writers had Senator Bernie Sanders made his way a field day creating stories that match from off-campus activities to his usual the outrageous political climate we spot behind Raymond Hall, looking face. forward to his nightly ritual of devouring Our annual Scowl issue gives a famous Yuck Truck sub and sticking staff-members the opportunity to it to the man. This time, however, there approach these issues in creative and were no subs to be found. Yuck Truck was lighthearted ways. These stories— gone, and Sanders knew it was up to him while largely based in real concerns— to get it back. are not intended to offend anyone, but Providence College recently decided rather to give everyone a break from to ban the delicious nighttime food truck the serious reality we live in. that has stationed itself behind Raymond We hope you enjoy the creative Hall since the founding of the College. effort that went into putting all these The administration cited student stories together. Not unlike a regular health as the reason for the decision, yet issue of The Cowl, The Scowl requires refused to comment on why they make time, thought, and wit. We’d like to it so difficult to eat healthily at Alumni think we do a pretty good job at that Hall. Students have been in an uproar last one. over the ruling to ban the private business Our regular issue of The Cowl will from campus, holding massive protests be back on stands next week, and will in the dining halls and outside of Father have some pretty big, breaking news- Stanley’s house and throwing Take3 worthy stories included in it. Before salads with nothing but lettuce and dry we get back to the less amusing facts, Ray chicken at the windows. enjoy a few laughs. Sanders leads the charge, declaring that the ban is an attack against grease, fun, and freedom. He also discussed the financial implications of the Yuck Truck ban. “College is so expensive in this country. Now, the top one percent at PC is trying to take away drunk food for their own selfish financial gains, leaving college students in debt and needing buffalo sauce at 2 a.m. I, for one, won’t stand for it,” said Sanders. YUCK TRUCK/ Page 16 GRAPHIC DESIGN BY KATIE PUZYCKI ’17/THE COWL Sanders rallies members of the Providence College community to save the Yuck Truck. Little Hands Donald Trump Big Office Thursday Nights 9/8 p.m. EST GRAPHIC DESIGN BY KATIE PUZYCKI ’17/THE COWL INSIDETHEHOOD Providence College’s Student-Run Newspaper Since 1935 Fake News 2 Fake News The Swamp Faux-tography The Swamp 5 PC juniors will glamp on Glay Hillary Clinton steps in Check out the next year. as PC’s Student Congress greatest memes of Faux-tography 9 Treasurer. Providence College. More Cultured Than You 11 Fun With Balls 18 Page 2 Page 6 Page 9 Alternative Page 2 Facts March 30, 2017 Glamping on Glay by Joe Pitch-a-Tent ’17 Alternative Facts Staff CAMPUS After the chaos of housing selection that took the Providence College campus by storm last week, a surprising turn of events has led the rising junior class to take housing matters into their own hands. In response to the lack of on-campus housing options for next year, PC juniors have decided to opt out of traditional accommodations of suites and apartments, instead choosing to construct a luxury campground in Glay Parking Lot. This decision comes as no surprise to many, as the housing options for Juniors for the upcoming academic year were unheard of in terms of both their limited space, as well as their locations on campus. Ray McVinney ’19, commented on the predicament of his housing, “I understand housing on-campus is limited, but I never thought I would be placed, in the electrical closet of St. Joe’s…There isn’t even a bed, and an old mop and bucket do not qualify as ‘furniture.’” Joe Davis ’19 also described his housing placement for the upcoming year. “Being placed in the basement of Raymond Dining Hall was far from ideal. I mean it is nice to have constant access to food, but waking up next to frozen chicken nuggets every morning is not something I looked forward to as an upperclassman. I don’t want to know where the Ray mystery meat GRAPHIC DESIGN BY KATHERINE PUZYCKI ’20 /THE SCOWL comes from, and I’m afraid if I live there next year, I Rising juniors have opted to live in tents on Glay rather than living in traditional dorms. may start to smell like the Tuesday taco meat.” Dom Fennel ’19 explained how the class decision even already contracted with an esteemed professional this camp site will provide students with the best living to construct a luxury campsite came to fruition, “The of the luxury camping world, Mob BcCann. BcCann spaces possible—much better than anything they could overall class consensus was that traditional on-campus Luxury Campgrounds, also known as the 80920 find in traditional on-campus housing options.” housing options—whether in electrical closets, dark Club, has supplied countless Rhode Islanders in the Faculty and administration have yet to voice basements, or even gym locker rooms—were no longer Providence Community with top notch luxury camp their opinions on the decision of the junior class and an ideal choice for the Class of 2019.” supplies for years. construction is pending their approval. Regardless, After long debate and discussion, our cost-benefit The fully insulated, air conditioned with two- no one can deny the innovation and creativity that analysis revealed that a luxury campground located in bedroom, single bathroom luxury tent units include the Class of 2019 has demonstrated in response to the the Glay Parking Lot would be the most efficient and common rooms, half kitchens, and come fully adversity they have faced throughout the housing effective alternative for junior year housing. We have furnished. We have no doubt that the construction of crisis of 2017. Friar Flashback: The PC Squirrels by Mrs. Nutterworth ’17 down with the rest of Rhode Island for a beloved squirrel met an untimely community for the next few years. Alternative Facts Staff the infamous blizzard of 1978. end. With splayed arms and a startled Since then, the squirrels have started to Dr. Ryan Grass, professor emeritus expression, the squirrel was hanging physically, as well as, emotionally move CAMPUS of the history department and the upside down in a tree outside McDermott on. In particular, they have experienced College’s resident historian, affirmed, Hall for two or three weeks. Students several relocations as the physical layout “The Rhode Island gray squirrel is a would stop and point as they walked by; of the College continues to change. hearty animal. PC’s squirrels on a nice day, one could even spot The squirrels were particularly The Providence College campus are especially energetic a few McDermott residents affected when the abandoned Dore has radically changed over the past as leftover foodfrom throwing a football in an Hall—a place of refuge and warmth few years. Buildings and athletic fields Raymond Dining Hall attempt to dislodge the during the cold New England winters— have popped up seemingly overnight, keeps them healthy squirrel from its final was converted to the new, anti-squirrel and several PC alumni have struggled and well-nourished.” resting place. Arthur F. and Patricia Ryan Center for to navigate the new terrain. Thankfully, Fr. Stanley , O.P. ’80 “We tried to Business Studies. however, there is one constant on the became the College’s knock him down so Fortunately, these squirrels have College’s landscape: the PC squirrels. president in 2005, we could give him found shelter in several of the off-campus Known as much for their cheerful and since then a proper funeral,” houses. “It’s kind of nice,” stated Sally presence as they are for an utter disregard the squirrels have claimed Freshie Frank Senior ’17. “I had immediate roommates for personal space, the PC squirrels have thrived, as Stanley ’17, surreptitiously all throughout college, so this year I been a fixture at the College ever since has been committed to hiding a football behind thought my attic room would seem too it made a commitment to immaculately expanding the campus his back. “We owe him quiet. It’s so comforting to know that perfect landscaping. and conserving its green that much.” the squirrels are right there, scurrying “I remember giving my first Friars space. The event was so traumatic around in my ceiling and walls.” Club tour; I hadn’t yet mastered the art “The squirrels are the best part of that it flooded PC’s Yik Yak feed for As PC enters its centennial year, the of talking while walking backwards,” my morning,” gushed Rachel Red-Head weeks after the news initially broke. It College honors its squirrels for the (very) stated Preppy Pete ’82. “A squirrel ’19. “I never need a coffee before Civ, was easy to see that the squirrels felt the active role they play in students’ lives.