Finland Has it All Billion Dollar Brain (1967), Directed by Ken Russell By Fearless Young Orphan The billion dollar brain referenced by the title is a supercomputer. In 1967 a supercomputer required about 2000 square feet of floor space and multiple operators who stood over box after box of reel‐to‐reel programming or stacks of thousands of punch cards, and the most sophisticated looking piece of equipment in the room is the dot matrix printer. It cost oil tycoon General Midwinter a billion dollars (an unthinkable, almost imaginary sum of money at the time) to purchase, and he has it churning away at his facility in Texas, where it is helping him plot to overthrow all Communism in the world. General Midwinter has been busy putting together his own private army, all the while throwing exuberant square dances and barbecues where the photographs of Communist leaders are burned in effigy. The fact that this extreme right‐wing maniac hails from Texas is an unintentional touch of humor that took over thirty years to come into full force, but here it is. This is not a political rant, though, this is a movie discussion. Ed Begley portrays the megalomaniac Midwinter in an over‐the‐top performance that will burn the plasma right out of your screen. This is a Harry Palmer movie. We have been through another movie with Harry Palmer already, the extremely complex and enjoyable Funeral in Berlin. Billion Dollar Brain is the third movie in the series, Funeral in Berlin was the second, and I’m still trying to lay my hands on a copy of The Ipcress File, the original Harry Palmer film and reputed to be the best of the three. If that is so, it must be a hell of a film, because I thought Billion Dollar Brain to be not only a glorious spy film but a rather glorious movie all on its own. Michael Caine returns as Harry Palmer, reluctant agent for the British Secret Service, who keeps getting pulled back in to serve his country because he’s good with the one‐liners and has those retro‐cool glasses. Besides, who the hell doesn’t like Michael Caine? He’s one of the most beloved actors out there. It’s a pleasure to see him in 1967 when he’s so blond, young, and sardonic. Harry Palmer is a fascinating secret agent, because he seems to operate on the “Hugh Grant” principal: charming befuddlement. He’s not particularly athletic or gifted or menacing or anything of the sort; he’s just a smart guy in glasses able to survive one bad situation after another because nobody believes him to be a threat. He is the pair of eyes through which we see world‐changing troubles dispelled. Does he actually do anything? I’m not sure. The point is not what he does (or doesn’t do), anyway, but that we enjoy watching him do it (or not do it). He is the nerdish version of James Bond. Once again, as was the case in Funeral in Berlin, we have a plot that is either insanely complex or utter bullshit, but either way, I couldn’t quite connect the dots. I didn’t really mind because that’s standard for spy films. Somehow or another, Harry Palmer is pulled out of his London private investigative business and sent on a mysterious courier mission to Helsinki with a thermos full of eggs. Here he meets up with an old friend Leo (Karl Malden) and Leo’s beautiful mistress Anya (Francoise Dorleac). I do not know how Harry and Leo are acquainted, but suffice to say they’ve known each other a long time and are friendly. Leo is up to something there in Finland, and he’s taking his orders from a remote computer that is hooked to the billion dollar brain in Texas. The mechanics of these transactions are truly comical, and modern viewers will either be horrified or charmed by them. In an age where we are so connected with communications that we can broadcast to the world our every insignificant action (or, perchance, a lot of movie reviews on a vanity website), this bit of nostalgic technology seems quaint, like an old love letter or maybe a set of hieroglyphics. The eggs that Harry has delivered are full of deadly viruses. The viruses are meant to disable the Communist Army, eventually, in a full‐scale attack that will soon be launched by General Midwinter. Yes, tired of waiting for the American government to annihilate the dirty Reds, Midwinter has decided that he must take freedom into his own hands. Harry warns that this will lead to an Earth‐ destroying nuclear war, but Midwinter is not about hearing that tidbit. He has his own fleet of trucks, damn it. They are too cool not to use. The billion dollar brain is planning out his invasion for him, he believes to perfection, as it takes data from all over the world and constructs flawless invasion scenarios. What General Midwinter fails to recognize is the fatal “garbage in, garbage out” problem that all computers have. After all, computers can only work with the information they are given and if that information is flawed, perhaps by a turncoat spy, the results are going to skew. General Midwinter seems to believe his computer to be infallible without taking into account that punch cards are nothing but scraps of paper with holes in them. What happens if you punch some new holes? In this case, we can cheerfully reference the 1980s classic Wargames, in which a defense computer sets about starting World War III; it believes nuclear attack is coming merely because it a teenage boy told it so. Are we a little bit paranoid about supercomputers? Oh yes, I think we are. Am I plot‐hopping? Doubtless I am. I should include that the lovely Anya is making some serious eyes at Harry over the top of Leo’s head, possibly that she is trying to kill them both or maybe that they are supposed to kill her instead, that Harry has reconnected with his Soviet “friendly enemy” Colonel Stok (with whom he became acquainted in Funeral in Berlin) who keeps Harry from certain torture and death, that Harry is inducted, willingly or not, back into the service of his country primarily to get those virus‐infected eggs back but secondarily to avert the End of the World, and that this entire adventure is going down in the slush‐ and‐snow covered land of Finland. Grab a blanket before watching, because this movie will freeze you to death. That’s a cold part of the world, everything simply covered in snow, constantly. Watching them drive on it made me laugh – here in my town, an inch of snow will stop traffic dead. There, it just seems to be the normal progression of events. If you’d like to go anywhere, you will go on snow. Otherwise, you’ll have to take a helicopter. Whether or not the movie makes sense, it’s a lot of fun to watch. If there’s not something downright tense and scary happening, then there is something humorous to be said or done by Harry Palmer, and all the while we’re in a stunning landscape. It’s not as weird as it looks, but this scene would still never Director Ken Russell is happen in a James Bond movie. infamous, I know, and has made some infamously bad films, but he was right on target in this instance, creating an aesthetically gratifying film experience. He shows us beautiful architecture, harsh landscapes, psychotic barbecues, all of it with considerable flair for the dramatic. I had several moments of true wonder as I watched, those good moments when a movie showed me something I’d never seen before in a country I might never visit on my own. This is why I call myself a “movie orphan,” after all. Movies like this have raised me and taught me much. The final half hour of film concerns General Midwinter’s invasion of Latvia. The fact that this supervillain is a self‐ proclaimed patriotic American is an interesting twist on what we’re accustomed to seeing, but otherwise he is a leader worthy of the Ernst Blofeld School of Villainy. How many Nothing says “supervillain” like forming your own personal army. times in James Bond have we seen a maniac construct their own army and attack willy‐nilly? In this case, though, it’s damn near believable. It’s like the most outlandish of James Bond plots presented in a real‐world context, and hell if I didn’t believe it could happen. The attempted invasion of Latvia from the coast of Finland is an amazing action scene of thundering semi‐ tractor trailers hurtling across the thick ice over the Baltic Sea at night; I’d go so far as to call it pulse‐pounding. A spy movie might be judged on its climactic action scene and in this case, would pass with flying colors, though I maintain that it’s an awfully good film from start to finish. Why it is not more widely recognized, I am not sure. Possibly to some, Billion Dollar Brain could appear dated and it does have a buildup that meanders around Finland longer than it must – though I found the meandering enjoyable. There is a notable lack of cheesecake. Francoise Dorleac is the only woman in the film for any length of time, and while she has a beautiful face, most of the time she is covered in heavy warm coats.