When You Say “I Can’t Forgive Myself” Rich Nathan October 6-7, 2007 Finding Freedom From Your Past (Forgiveness) 1 John 1:9 One of the saddest stories that I’ve read in any magazine recently was the story in last week’s Sports Illustrated about Mike Coolbaugh. Mike was born in a baseball family. His dad was a high school talent from Binghamton, New York, who turned down an invitation to the Yankees try-out because he knew he just wasn’t good enough. He wanted to make sure his sons never felt that way and so he had his sons practicing baseball from the time they were six-years old. He set up a course for them to run on. And the rule in Mike Coolbaugh’s house was either you practiced your hitting, or you helped dad pull weeds in their enormous yard. So they would take 300-400 cuts a day. Dad had a pitching machine and a batting cage at home. Mike played high school baseball and then he was drafted by the Toronto Blue Jays in 1990 as a power-hitting third-baseman. He spent 10½ years in the minor league bouncing from one organization to another. He made three minor league all-star teams. He was voted Team MVP; broke a league record for RBIs in a season. But there was always someone ahead of him in the organization and he was never able to quite break into the major league. In 2001 he finally got his chance. The Milwaukee Brewers called him up from the minor after almost 1200 games in the minors. His wife, Mandy, said that she only saw Mike cry four times in their life together – once on their wedding day; two other times when their two sons were born; and, the day he was called up to the major league. He left a voicemail and between sobs she heard Mike say, “We did it. We finally did it. We’re going to be up there.” At his first at-bat with the Brewers, he smacked a pinch-hit double. The next day his father and mother and whole family came out to the ballpark. And in his second major league at bat, he drove a pitch into the left field stands and ran around the basis as if it was the most normal thing in the world for him to do. Everyone in the Coolbaugh family was crying in the stands. Just that one at-bat, his wife Mandy said, “We didn’t need anything else.” Well, the Milwaukee Brewers released Mike at the end of the year. He was traded to the Cardinals organization and sent back to the minors. And on the day he was called up to play for the St. Louis Cardinals, he was hit by a pitch and his hand was broken. End of the season. There was always something that got in the way of Mike Coolbaugh permanently staying in the big leagues – an all-star that had the position, a broken hand… So, after 17 seasons of bouncing around in the minor leagues, finally Mike Coolbaugh called it © Rich Nathan 2007 1 quits. And in order to feed his family, he became a coach for a minor league baseball team in Tulsa, okay. Baseball was what Mike knew. On the Tulsa team was a 28-year old from Puerto Rico named Tino Sanchez. Tino’s career was very much like Mike Coolbaugh’s. He never quite made it to the major leagues after years of trying. He was going to quit. But Mike was one of these wonderful men. His wife called him a “perfect husband.” He was deeply devoted to her and to their boys. So Mike took Tino Sanchez out to lunch and talked with him and encouraged him. Tino considered Mike his best friend in baseball. On July 22nd of this year, Tino was at the plate. Mike was the first-base coach. There was a player on first and Mike was giving him instructions. Mike was focusing on the lead that the player was taking at first and not on Tino, who was batting. Tino hit a shot that went off his bat like a rocket. The ball struck Mike right behind his left ear. The impact crushed his left vertebral artery which carries blood from the spinal column to the brain against his vertebra and the base of Mike’s skull. This artery that was literally squeezed between a rock and a hard place burst. Mike had a severe brain hemorrhage. He fell back and died on the field – the first death in a pro baseball game since 1920. The coroner who did the autopsy said that if the ball had hit Mike in just a hair-breadth in one direction or the other, he wouldn’t have died. Tino ran over to see what had happened to his friend. And when he saw Mike on the ground, his eyes rolled back in his head, Tino dropped to his knees and began wailing, screaming out, “O God, no; O God, no! Please, please…” Tino said that when they buried his friend, Mike, Tino felt like a piece of himself was being buried in the grave with him. He said, “Everybody tells me it wasn’t my fault. But even though I know that and I love Mike, I just can’t forgive myself.” It is not uncommon for people to say, “I can’t forgive myself.” I’ve had folks doing this series that I’ve been preaching on forgiveness come up to me and say that to me. I just can’t forgive myself. Sometimes they vaguely allude to something that they did in the past. A few folks actually told me what they had done. I’ve talked with women who have said, “I just can’t forgive myself. I secretly got an abortion. Now every time abortion is mentioned, or every time I see someone walking with their baby, I feel this overwhelming guilt.” Maybe you are a guy who encouraged your girlfriend or your wife to get an abortion. I’ve talked with men who told me that they left their wives for another woman a decade ago and every time they think about their lives, they just kick themselves because they realize that they left the best thing that God ever gave them. I remember one man sobbing. He told me, “I was such a fool. I had this great gift and I was too stupid to see it. I threw it away.” I’ve talked with women who very regretfully said, “He was a great guy, but I was so wrapped up in myself, so wrapped up with my career, that I just didn’t see it. Now I’m © Rich Nathan 2007 2 alone and he is married. He was the one true love of my life. I understand that God forgives me, but I just can’t forgive myself.” Have you ever felt that way? I’ve been doing a series on forgiveness that I’ve called “Finding Freedom from Your Past.” And today I’m calling this talk, “When You Say, ‘I Can’t Forgive Myself’”. Let’s pray. Is the answer for guilt self-forgiveness? Everywhere you turn books, therapy, on TV, the popular advice for dealing with crippling guilt is: You just need to forgive yourself. You just need to learn to forgive yourself. Like Craig Heselton, our executive pastor, or Bill Christensen, our associate pastor, you may find yourself often going to Oprah’s website as they do. They read up on beauty and style tips. They check out Oprah’s boutique. They get advice about home decorating. And Craig and Bill especially get relational advice in dealing with their relationships. One of the things you will find on Oprah’s website or on her show and certainly on Dr. Phil’s show is counsel regarding how to forgive yourself. The therapeutic community, by and large, is in agreement that forgiving yourself is a key for healing your past. As Dr. Phil puts it, Forgiving yourself is the key to your healing. Forgiving yourself is the key for removing the roadblocks that are blocking your path to reaching your potential and living your best life right now. –Dr. Phil Of course, if you consider yourself to be a follower of Christ, you probably want to know what God thinks about this idea of you forgiving yourself. And you find out what God thinks about things in the Bible. That is why it is so important for you to develop the habit of daily Bible reading. I know there are quite a number of you who read your Bibles on a daily basis. Some of you may not know where to start. Let me suggest first of all that you go out and purchase a good study Bible. My recommendation of the Bible that I think is the very best study Bible is the NIV Study Bible. It is not written with a particularly obvious theological slant. It is not pushing the interpretation of passages into preset molds. And I purchased the NIV Study Bible in leather – not a hardback; not bonded leather that shreds after a year – purchase one in real leather that will last for decades. And along with the NIV Study Bible, I would pick up a book called Search the Scriptures by Alan Stibbs. Marlene and I used that book for years. It is a book that asks questions on every single passage in the entire Bible.