C:\younghoward\younghoward.txt Friday, June 07, 2013 2:30 PM Young Howard The Making Of A Male Lesbian A Novel by T.L. Winslow (C) Copyright 2000 by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved. This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. -1- C:\younghoward\younghoward.txt Friday, June 07, 2013 2:30 PM PREFACE This is my secret autobiography of my childhood. I keep it in encrypted form on my personal computer where only I can get at it. My password is pAtTypUkE. I don't want it to be published or known while I'm alive, but kept only for my private masturbation fantasies. I will supply the password to it in my will, with instructions to my lawyer to release it fifty years after my death. In case anybody cracks it, beware of the curse of Tutankhamen and respect its privacy. In the extremely unlikely event that somebody does crack it and publish it, I'm warning you: at least have the human decency to obliterate my name and label it as fiction. I make millions a year and can hire detectives and sue your ass off can't I? Labelled as fiction about a fictional character, I have plausible deniability and so do you. Humor me, okay? Note from the Editor. This document was indeed hacked and then mutilated as it circulated furiously around the Howard fan sites on the Web, with many Billy Shakespeares making anonymous additions. One anonymous enterpriser even attempted to lift Chapter 7 and repackage it as a "Y2K Defense of Judaism" and palm it off as his own work. Another made up a ridiculous story about Howard and Ted Kennedy in the latter's Mary Jo Kopechne days, just because the bridge incident occurred in July of 1969, right before Woodstock, and Martha's Vineyard is not too far from New York. There is no evidence that Howard was a boat boy at the yacht race. It's just a coincidence that Chappaquiddick is near Gay Head. Might as well claim that Howard was at Cape Kennedy at the time because the big moon shot was going on, and Howard looks something like comedian Andy Kaufman of Shoot the Moon fame. (Yes, people have.) -2- C:\younghoward\younghoward.txt Friday, June 07, 2013 2:30 PM This edition is the original autobiography, with any factual and spelling errors corrected. (For example: "You're have moron. Every time you is are stupid. I hear you're show one and I am beliefed it bader.") I have also taken the liberty of adding some material from my log book on Howard's Show, which I have been running for years on my own fan site -- it is all carefully marked so as to avoid confusion. I know that Howard officially denies the authenticity of this "trashy piece of pure unadulterated fiction and hokum", but let the readers judge. (The autobiography, not my web site. Okay, both.) I love you, Howard. Why won't you call me anymore? And Howard, you can do anything with my ass you want. Please! -- Richard Persimmon, Editor, "The Howard Chronicles -- Book One: The Book of Howard" Table of Contents Part I Chapter 1. A Jew's View of Christ Chapter 2. Auntie Fran Chapter 3. Lessons of a Lesbian Boudoir Chapter 4. Donovan Doesn't Do Atlantis Part II Chapter 5. Boring Stuff About My Parents Chapter 6. Let My Daughter Talk Chapter 7. My Family Tree Chapter 8. Preschool Daze Chapter 9. My Longest Day Part III -3- C:\younghoward\younghoward.txt Friday, June 07, 2013 2:30 PM Chapter 10. Who Ever Heard of a Gypsy Furnace Salesman? Chapter 11. More Than a Pickle Model Now Chapter 12. The Pukes Chapter 13. College Daze Part IV Chapter 14. My First Live Audience Chapter 15. Beating the Odds Chapter 16. The Game of Inches Chapter 17. Fumbling Deep In My Own Territory Part V Chapter 18. Check Out the Moves Chapter 19. Breaking Loose Chapter 20. Dig Those Loonies Chapter 21. The Promised Land Editor's note: All of the autobiography past chapter 14 has either been destroyed, or never written. The only traces are in this original Table of Contents. Spurious chapters have been detected as forgeries, and will not be included here. You're gonna love the real pure unadulterated stuff. Part I Donovan Stops By. 11/31/96. This guy is some star from back in the 60's. As Irish as a leprechaun. All I can say after hearing a medley of his songs is that I'm glad I wasn't growing up when his songs were popular. I beat that decade by ten years. Some of the songs that you may recognize are Mellow Yellow, Jennifer Juniper and Hurdy Gurdy Man. Only aging losers remember -4- C:\younghoward\younghoward.txt Friday, June 07, 2013 2:30 PM Lalena, Epistle to Dippy, or Barabajagal. Howard seemed to know a lot of the guy's music I guess because that's what was on the radio when he was growing up. The guy came in and did some songs and hung out with Howard for a little while. His singing sucked. He was too old for the music. You have to look like a young girl to pull it off right. Not much of an interview either. I swear I saw them holding hands under the table, making eyes. And I was jealous. He had a cute butt. -- Richard Persimmon's Personal Howard Show Log Chapter 1. A Jew's View of Christ Good! That's it! Now! Show some more cleavage. Great! My dad never hit me. He just told me to shut up. All the time. He tried to humiliate me, make me feel lower than shit. That's the reason I am the way I am now. I can never shut up. Shut up! Nice hooters but don't call us, we'll call you. If there I were in paradise, what would I look forward to doing personally? Everything I want to do, naturally. So, what would I like to do? Talk all the time. Tell everybody to shut up. Get every woman I wanted. Smoke pot. Play. Fart. Have my farts smell like flowers. Never get bored. I think you know this answer but read it anyway. There is no end to the knowledge of a god like me. I shouldn't be up so early, but I get so hungry. It's silly, but even though I'm supposed to start work at 2 a.m., I had to get up at midnight just to have some toast and kippers. Just to hear myself crunch and munch. Listen. I recorded myself. Look at all the work people do today. I could be doing any one of those jobs. Perfectly. After all, I graduated magna cum loudly from college. But I have only one short life. Hmmm. Good celery too, hmmm. -5- C:\younghoward\younghoward.txt Friday, June 07, 2013 2:30 PM So the work I chose was to learn to tell people to shut up and listen to me. Perfectly. Next! You're a doll. Why don't you introduce yourself while I adjust the bump in my pants. Oh the depth of my riches and knowledge. How unsearchable my wisdom and judgment. How past tracing out my ways. Who has known my first counsellor, or the riches that have been given to me? Hungry? Ha ha, no, that was before. They took the dishes out of the studio already. Now that my hunger for nourishment is satisfied, let's heat up my pants. I am an ecclesiastic, really. What they would all do if they could have the freedom. All I do is say what they are thinking, without fear of consequences. Who cares what you know or what you do for a living. Take off your clothes and show me your body. I have a desire to live forever. And a desire to die now. I live on the balancing edge of that. I made you hungry with that tape? Somebody bring me a dish of ice cream so we can both lick it up with no hands. Glad today's show is about over. My mind is in another dimension today. I am reassessing my whole life now. Ben & Jerry's? No, make mine Haagen Dazs. 'Clam' flavor. I see some right now, between your legs. Come here. I'm a cunning linguist. A regular one-man mass debater. Yes I know Ben Cohen personally. One fine Jew. Now that I'm separated for the first time in my life from my wife. I don't know why, but it feels as if she has died, even though we see each other all the time and put up an act that we're friends. -6- C:\younghoward\younghoward.txt Friday, June 07, 2013 2:30 PM We have a caller from Ben & Jerry's hometown of Allenstown, Pennsylvania. Mr. Billion Mouthstofeed. If you have anything to say, say it quick. My tongue is out for lunch. All through the ages, even today, people have inherited the desire to live forever. When a loved one dies, his bereaved have so much difficulty going through the mourning part, and each person does so differently. But the common reaction is inbred, and that is the inability to accept that they didn't live forever.