3x01 : Dude Ranch Mitchell : But he thought that Cam's version was a little too "artsy," so we've decided to take a few rugged shots at the ranch to, you know, balance it out. Captain : We're beginning our initial descent into Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Cameron : I don't think it need balancing out. Thank you for flying United. Mitchell : Really? Phil : Reckon we'll be landing soon. Cameron : It's called "Production value." Claire : Phil, honey, you promised... not till we got there. [OPENING CREDITS] Phil : This year, we're going to a dude ranch with the whole family. Claire : Mm-hmm. The family. Mitchell : Horse. Gloria : Look, Jay! So beautiful! Haley : What if Dylan buys his own ticket? We'll be sleeping in separate Jay : Your ears haven't popped yet, huh? cabins. Gloria : I'm like the horse whisperer. But something is making this one Phil : What if Dylan and I share a horse? skittish. Claire : Mm, I hate landing. Dylan : Whoa. Look at the mountains. Dylan : We'll get through this. Haley : They're amazing. Dylan : I've never been this far from home before now I've never been this far. Gloria : Wow! Oh, my goodness. Claire : Where's a cliff when you need one? Jay : What are you doing? Jay : Look, kids! A real life cowboy! Gloria : I want my ears to pop. Luke : Oh. Come see. Come see. Manny : Try putting a little Rouge on 'em. Nobody gets me. Claire : Uh-oh. Mitchell : Wow. Isn't this beautiful, little cowgirl? Luke : What's he doing? Cameron : You hate her sparkly outfit, don't you? Claire : Oh, my. Mitchell : No, I told you, it's fine. I just didn't like you wearing a matching Hank : My name is Hank. Here at the Lost Creek Ranch, you're gonna ride, one. you're gonna rope, and you're gonna shoot. You're gonna see a sky so full of stars, it'll put your city lights to shame. And when it's all done, you might just encounter a piece of yourselves you never knew was there. Are there any Mitchell : So we haven't told the family yet, but we've decided to adopt a baby questions? boy. Manny : Uh, do we book spa treatments through you or... Cameron : From America this time. You might say we're "buying domestic." Hank : I like you, kid. I'm gonna call you "Hollywood." Mitchell : In private... You might say that in private. Manny : That wasn't an answer. Cameron : Our adoption attorney told us it would be a good idea to make a photo book to show prospective moms. Hank : And who's this cactus flower? Modern Family Season 3x01 page.1 Gloria : What? Jay : That's my wife Gloria. Mitchell : I realized that if I was gonna raise a boy, I needed to butch up my Hank : Well, she's "Cactus Flower" now, old-timer. life. You know, I wanted to be able to teach my son all the things that my Dad taught Claire. Jay : These, uh, these nicknames... are they set in stone? Hank : Okey dokey. You ready, gunslinger? Luke : Hey, Hollywood. Phil : I heard word of trouble in these parts. Pull! That oughta fix it, eh, Jay? Manny : I don't love that. Jay : You got a piece of it. Luke : Wanna see something? Phil : I've been practicing like crazy, all my cowboy skills... shootin', ropin'. pancake eatin'. Why? Because sometimes I feel like Jay doesn't respect me as a Manny : Oh, my gosh. Is that a firecracker? man. Luke : Shh! Now I just need to find the perfect thing to blow up. Manny : Is that thing even legal? Phil : It's just that when you say, "Phil is my son-in-law," it sounds like you're Luke : Not here. It's from Germany. If they had this during the war, right now saying, "Phyllis, my son-in-law." we'd all be knee-deep in strudel. Jay : That's ridiculous. Alex : Watch it! Phil :Okay, who's your son-in-law? Jimmy : What you doing, eh? You readin'? Jay : Phyllis. Alex : Trying to. Phil : I'm not asking for a hug. I just want to get that look of newfound respect, Jimmy : I'm not so good at it either. like... Or... Or... mm. Yeah. Alex : I'm not surprised. Jimmy : That was a joke. I'm Jimmy Scrivano. You want to see me do a Phil : Check it out. Two birds, one leg. Pull it! Not bad, eh, Old-timer? cannonball? Hank : Uh, see, slappy only had three fingers. Alex : I'd rather see you get hit by one, but... Gloria : What? Jimmy : Ha. Good one, gorgeous. Hank : He only had three fingers. Who's next? Mitchell : Oh, me. Me. Gloria : Jay! Is this like the lobster?! Do I get to pick one for dinner? Because Cameron : Oh, this is good. This is good. Tres macho. No smile. Don't smile. this one looks very tender. Good. Hank : Look alive, Old-timer. One of your calves is getting away. Hank : You ready? Jay : Hey, something's wrong with my horse. She's veering left. When this Mitchell : Wait. Do I say "pull"? Sorry. Sorry. happened to my Uncle, it was a stroke. Jay : Mitchell, why don't you go find Manny at the spa? Wouldn't that be more Hank : Oh, there's nothing wrong with Buttercup. You just gotta let her know fun? who's boss! Beautiful form, Cactus Flower! Beautiful! You look like a dadgum conquistadora! Mitchell : Yeah. Jay : She's deaf, but I can hear ya. Modern Family Season 3x01 page.2 Cameron : Why are you riding that way? Alex : Okay, Lily, I'm going to push you one more time. Now don't kick me, Mitchell : I'm afraid that cow over there might bite me. okay? Aah! Oh! Lily! I said don't kick me. Okay? Cameron : Oh, yes, he's gonna come up and bite you because your leg looks so Jimmy : You know it's your own fault that's happening. Why don't you try desirable with those... are those canvas? standing behind her? Claire : Okay, Phil, ease that one back over towards me. Alex : You are an idiot. Phil : Got it. Jimmy : Oh, really? I ain't the one getting kicked. Claire : Ease him back this way. Alex : Why are you following me? Phil : Hey! Piece of cake, huh, Jay? Huh? Jimmy : Why are you fighting me here, gorgeous? This works. Hank : Ease that one over to Bossy. Alex : I really, really don't appreciate you calling me "gorgeous." I just want to enjoy time with my family, so if you don't mind... mm! Phil : Which one's Bossy? Jimmy : Not a problem. See you around, sunshine. Hank : That's my nickname for your wife. Lily : You kissed a boy! Phil : Hilarious. Alex : No, the boy kissed me. Okay, Lily? The boy kissed me. Haley : Go, Mom! Whoo! Dylan : Yeah, Mom! You rock! Dylan : ♪ I rode a horse for the first time today wasn't surprised when it Claire : Oh, I wish I had a rock. went... neigh ♪ Phil : Hey. It wouldn't kill you to be nice to Dylan. Claire : Okay. Hey, Dylan. Claire : It might. But, honey, I don't know why you always stick up for him. Haley can do so much better. Dylan : Hey, Mrs. Dunphy. Phil : Because I know what it's like to fall for a girl whose dad thinks I'm not Claire : I was wondering if we could have a little chat. good enough. Dylan : Oh. You want me to go home. Claire : All right, you're right. I can make more of an effort. Claire : No, no. It's the... the opposite of that. Phil : That's the woman I love. Dylan : I want you to go home? Hank : We taking a little break over here? Laying some pipe. Claire : No, I, um, I want you to know how glad I am that you're here. Phil : No. Sorry. I was just talking to Bossy. Dylan : Really? 'Cause sometimes I just get this vibe you don't like me. Hank : Uh-huh. Claire : Oh. Dylan, no. I'm sorry. I-I like you. I-I like you a lot. I just... It's Claire : Phil! complicated because Haley's my daughter. Phil : I'm sorry. Dylan : Whoa. Whoa, whoa. You are totally a hot mom, but I can't do this. Gloria : Jay, look! I got this one! I got this one! Claire : Oh, my God. Okay, we... there's... no, no. I merely meant that I'm sorry if I made you feel unwelcome. Jay : She's veering left again. When we get back, I'm gonna see if she can track a pencil with her eyes. Dylan : Whew! That would have been awkward. Claire : So awkward. Modern Family Season 3x01 page.3 Dylan : You know, but for the record, Mrs. Dunphy... Mitchell : I-I'm s... I'm not sure if we should have another baby. Claire : Yes? Cameron : What? Are you serious? Dylan : If Haley wasn't my girlfriend... Mitchell : I think that we might be rushing into this. Claire : Yeah. Cameron : Rushing into... we've been working... Dylan : And Mr. Dunphy was out of the picture... Dylan : Everybody, it's me, Dylan. I just wanted to thank you all for bringing Claire : Mm-hmm. me on this trip and making me feel like one of the family, uh, especially Bossy. So I can't think of a better time to ask something of the woman that I love.