Andrews University Digital Commons @ Andrews University Faculty Publications 2018 Uplifting the Non-Custodial Parent Alina M. Baltazar Andrews University, [email protected] Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.andrews.edu/pubs Part of the Practical Theology Commons Recommended Citation Baltazar, Alina M., "Uplifting the Non-Custodial Parent" (2018). Faculty Publications. 1407. https://digitalcommons.andrews.edu/pubs/1407 This Contribution to Book is brought to you for free and open access by Digital Commons @ Andrews University. It has been accepted for inclusion in Faculty Publications by an authorized administrator of Digital Commons @ Andrews University. For more information, please contact [email protected]. SEMINAR Uplifting the Non-Custodial Parent ALINA BALTAZAR The Text School, youth and Pathfinder leaders, deacons “As a father (the non-custodial and deaconesses, church school principals parent) has compassion on and teachers, school board, and church board his children, so the Lord has leaders. All of these leaders should know how compassion on those who fear him.” to support the non-custodial parent and the Psalm 103:13, NIV children for which he or she cares. This two- hour seminar can also be broken into two one- hour sessions. 55 Purpose The purpose of this seminar is to raise the awareness of the challenges and blessings of Introduction being a non-custodial parent. This seminar Though a majority of children live with further helps to promote co-parenting between both parents (69%), that percentage has the non-custodial parent(s) and the custodial been decreasing over the last several decades parent(s) as they seek to adjust to a “new (US Census Bureau, 2016). In 1960 88% of normal” pattern of family living. Finally, this children lived with both parents. The second seminar seeks to present ways in which the most common family form is children living church can be a safe haven for both the non- with a single mother (23%). That percentage custodial parent and the custodial parent as has also been increasing, especially considering they work together to rear their child and/or that just 8 percent of children lived with a single children. mother in 1960. In that same period of time, the percentage of children living with only their father went from 1 percent to 4 percent. Intended Audience Why such a drastic change? Divorce rates Non-custodial and custodial parents, increased dramatically in the 1970s, though church leaders, including but not limited to: they have stabilized over the last few decades Pastors, local family ministry leaders, elders, to around 50 percent of all marriages. Another men’s and women’s ministries leaders, Sabbath change is the increase of cohabitation, which leads to a higher percentage of never married Alina Baltazar, PhD, MSW, LMSW, CFLE is Associate parents. Thus, millions of children do not Professor and MSW program Director, of the Social Work Department at Andrews University in Berrien Springs, live with one of their biological parents. This Michigan, USA. situation can be devastating to both children PARENT NON-CUSTODIAL THE UPLIFTING and parents. This seminar aims to educate and custodial parent on a regular basis. The custodial inform the church and surrounding community parent gets to experience life’s ups and downs in in order to aid children and parents caught up in real time and enjoy spontaneous conversations this difficult situation. with their child. The limited time that the non- custodial parent has with a child can harm the parent/child bond which negatively affects the relationship. This is particularly problematic Non-custodial Parent Defined when a child is very young. Many states do REACHING FAMILIES FOR JESUS FOR FAMILIES REACHING The typical custody arrangement between not allow babies to spend nights away from divorced or never married parents is for one home with the non-custodial parent. Research parent to have primary custody and the other has increasingly found that babies benefit from parent to be the non-custodial parent. This means a varied environment, though consistency one parent has physical custody where the child and routine are also important. Parent/child resides with the custodial parent on a regular basis. bonding happens in a relatively small window Usually both parents have legal custody so the when children are babies. The more time the parents can make legal decisions for their child. child spends with an adult, the more likely they The courts usually arrange for the non-custodial are to bond. parent to have pre-determined visitation times. If the parents reside in the same area, children Divorce has been seen similar to a death. usually stay with the non-custodial parent every There is a loss of a relationship and a grief over other weekend and one evening a week. With the future that they may have had together. school aged children, school holidays are often One way that these situations differ is the split between the two parents. When the parents public nature of divorce. When a spouse dies, live in different cities, children are flown as their secrets are buried with them. Divorces are unaccompanied minors to the other parent’s city public affairs handled through the courts where 56 to stay with them for a pre-determined amount of records and transcripts are easily accessed by the time. The out of town non-custodial parent may public, but courts are not the only place where see the child in their hometown during visitation information is made known. Each spouse will times. reach out to their social network, often making negative statements about the other spouse in Non-custodial parenting can take many order to garner support. This can lead to public forms. Traditionally the non-custodial parent shaming that may follow the divorced parent has been a divorced father, but times are for years. changing. With women increasingly entering the work force and pursuing careers, mothers The non-custodial parent is seen in a more are increasingly the non-custodial parent. negative light, especially non-custodial mothers— There are also times when the mother is unable who are generally not the norm. Society sees to financially provide or care for the children non-custodial parents as dead-beats who are in her charge. In these instances a court may uninvolved in their child’s lives. Non-custodial determine that the father can better provide for mothers fare even worse. They are judged as drug the children. With marriage rates decreasing, addicts or mentally ill. With women increasingly not all non-custodial parents were married to pursuing careers it may be better for the child to their ex. Each situation has unique challenges. reside primarily with their father, either short or long term. The non-custodial parent’s family may not Struggles the Non-custodial Parent understand the situation. Grandparents want Faces to be able to see their grandkids on holidays By definition, the non-custodial parent and birthdays, but that may not happen due spends less time with their child(ren) than the to the custody agreement. This can lead to DISCIPLESHIP AND SERVICE AND DISCIPLESHIP custodial parent. The children live with the hostility and lack of support for the non- custodial parent from their family support Parental Alienation system. In addition, the custodial parent may Preoccupied with their own distress, recently cut off extended family members from even separated parents are often distressed and may SEMINAR seeing the child. badmouth their ex. This is normal. Estranged Families aren’t the only support system parents turn to sympathetic listeners. Children that get involved with custody arrangements. are inevitably drawn into these conversations. Church members and leaders also are caught There are situations where this bad-mouthing is in the middle. When there is a separation not normal and can lead to parental alienation. and both parents attend the same church, It may appear the child is choosing to reject the members often feel like they have to choose non-custodial parent for legitimate reasons and sides. Church members typically side with the that may be the case, but often it is because the custodial parent, who is usually the mother. It favored parent has manipulated the child into can be difficult for children to sit with their alienating the other parent. mother one Sabbath and then their father on another Sabbath. The child may feel like they Dr. Richard Warshak in his book Divorce are being disloyal to their custodial parent. Poison (p. 55-56) defines pathological parental Non-custodial fathers can feel pushed out of alienation as: their home church because of the judgment • Unreasonable, persistent, negative attitudes and negativity from church members/leaders. (anger, hatred, fear, distrust, or anxiety) about Some non-custodial fathers may choose a a parent who was viewed more favorably in the different church or not attend at all. When the past. Such attitudes are often freely expressed child is with their father every other weekend, to the parent and others. he or she may not attend church, which could • No apparent guilt for treating the parent negatively affect their faith development. with malice, contempt, and utter disrespect. Accepts money and gifts without gratitude. • Explanations for the hatred or fear that are 57 trivial, irrational, inadequate, and out of Parenting Time Guidelines proportion to the rejected parent’s behavior States have predetermined the minimum (or false allegations of abuse). amount of time non-custodial parents have • One-sided view of parents. Alienated parents with their children and how to balance holidays are described in negative terms and the other and vacation times. Parenting time guidelines parent is seen as nearly perfect. are considered the “Bible” for non-custodial • In conflict between the parents, the child and custodial parents.