1 The adventures of "Dense" Dimmock and Boris "Seven Bellies" Slobovitch By Paddy O‟Farrell Copyright © Paddy O’Farrell 2015 The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. All Rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. British Library C.I.P. A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library. First digital edition P off & F off PUBLICATIONS “His books are quite clearly not PC.” Government Information Office. “This writer is going places … and we have a list.” Psychiatric Nursing Today. “A lot funnier than Mein Kampf.” Golders Green Evening Echo “Mary Whitehouse will be glad she’s dead when she reads this.” Moral Crusade Society. “I can’t really see this replacing Hymns Ancient and Modern.” Synod Times. “I know this new writer’s intellectual and classical genre will inspire the vast majority of our readers.” Literary Editor, Sunday Sport. This is clearly the result of putting a thousand monkeys into a room with a thousand typewriters.” Science Today. “I rest my case.” Charles Darwin. “This book is more uplifting than Ann Widdecombe’s bra.” Anton du Beke “Eat you heart out Charles Dickens.” Paddy O’Farrell Free digital edition from obooko This is an authorized free digital edition from www.obooko.com Although you do not have to pay for this e-book, the author‟s intellectual property rights remain fully protected by international Copyright law. You are licensed to use this digital copy strictly for your personal enjoyment only. This edition must not be hosted or redistributed on other websites nor offered for sale in any form. If you paid for this free edition, or to gain access to it, we suggest you demand an immediate refund and report the transaction to the author and obooko. Paddy O‟Farrell He always wanted to be a writer when he grew up; one out of two ain‟t bad! Born in Canada in 1942 with a father born in Hong Kong and a Grandfather born in the Channel Islands, he attended 11 schools before signing up for 15 years in the RAF in Electronics. He got demobbed and subsequently enjoyed a wide range of sales and marketing careers in finance, life assurance, pensions, electronic components, semi conductors, satellite TV, toys, reusable nappies, good food guides, gaming furniture design and internet consultancy to name but a few. He took a degree at Coventry University at the age of fifty and added the professional qualifications: a fellow of the Institute of Business and Technical Management; a fellow of the Institute of Sales and Marketing; a qualified Sales Engineer; a member of the Society of Electronic and Radio Technicians and a Technician Engineer of the Chartered Institute of Electronic Engineers. He has travelled in over 40 countries and in his first book, “Primrose Cottage”, he draws from his experiences in life, from some of the characters he has met and from a vivid imagination. In his second book, “MCC (Muddlecombe Cricket Team)” the village cricket team get mistaken for the real MCC and tour Botswana causing international havoc. He settled in South Leicestershire for 30 years with his Scottish wife and their two sons and has enjoyed hobbies such as Duplicate Bridge, (a two star master), making golf clubs, swimming, walking, oil painting and calligraphy. He and his wife now live in their retirement home in Spain. This book is dedicated to my lovely wife Fay, who thinks this book is probably the biggest load of shite so far: The Muddlecombe trilogy: Primrose Cottage; MCC (Muddlecombe Cricket Club); The adventures of “Dense” Dimmock and Boris “Seven Bellies” Slobovitch. Author‟s note: The majorities of names used are fictitious, and bear no resemblance to anyone alive or dead but if anybody feels that some of the characters might cause them some discomfort then they need to get out more. Chubby Brocolli and Harry Pepperman of Aon Productions may be mistaken for some other famous film producers so be careful. Some of the timing of events may not be strictly in chronological order and some of the Azerbaijan facts may be a bit fictitious as well. Acknowledgements. I would like to thank Natasha Tonks for her valuable information about the Ukraine. David McCleery for information on Azerbaijan although he vehemently denies any knowledge of a “Pink Pussy” night club in downtown Baku. Liz Chapman, my mentor, proof reader and editor who shares a planet with me and whose editorial comments were funnier than the book. Dr Paul Wheatley of St Andrews university chemical department who gave me the idea in the first place and started this load of nonsense. Front cover illustration: Justin "j-lo" Barlow Technical back up: Antony O‟Farrell Preface Chapter 1 Kidnapping in Azerbaijan Chapter 2 The Interplanetary Standards and Ethics Committee Chapter 3 Muddlecombe-cum-Snoring Chapter 4 Dense Dimmock and Neurology Chapter 5 MI6 Chapter 6 Debriefing in “The Snort & Truffle” Chapter 7 Dense flies off to Azerbaijan Chapter 8 Boris gets ready Chapter 9 Boris sets off Chapter 10 Boris returns to his village. Chapter 11 Azerbaijan logistics Chapter 12 Dense in Baku Chapter 13 The War Council Chapter 14 Dense meets Igor. Chapter 15 War Chapter 16 Victory Chapter 17 Back at the British Embassy. Chapter 18 The plan Chapter 19 The Ilkhichi plan Chapter 20 The next concert Chapter 21 The paparazzi Chapter 22 What the papers said Chapter 23 What the Prime Minister said Chapter 24 The Ilkhichi fiesta Chapter 25 Prime Minister‟s Question Time. Chapter 26 Back to Baku Chapter 27 The press conference. Chapter 28 Pinewood studios Chapter 29 Baku nights. Chapter 30. The Presidents Palace visit. Chapter 31. Prime Minister‟s Question Time. Chapter 32. Another concert Chapter 33 The return home. Chapter 34 Stopover in Zurich. Chapter 35 Back home Epilogue List of characters in chronological order Gerantinium Village elder and Chairman of the O’Deighty III Interplanetary Standards and Ethics Committee. Sir Robert McFadyen British Ambassador to Azerbaijan Dense Dimmock Village idiot and MI6 consultant Boris Slobovitch Chekov‟s old minder/assassin and Dense‟s drinking partner Dr Pietro Kemikhail Scottish oil boffin working for the British PhD and American Petroleum Company Mrs Dimmock A phenomenon. Nickola Elastickova Igor‟s professional assistant- cum-tart Chekov Yeboleksi Ex KGB interrogator and now head of Russian mafia Sidney Sidenose A solicitor from Shoreditch. Brewster Kegworth Landlord of the “Snort & Truffle” pub Fiona Kegworth Brewster‟s Scottish wife, an accountant. Mildred O’Riley The doe-eyed wife of Creighky O‟Riley, Chekov‟s lover Igor Badlotski War lord in Azerbaijan Andrei Shkuro Cossack leader Natalya Balanchuk British Embassy worker in Baku Mykola Doroshenko BAP Company security guard in Baku Silas H Sawyer III President of the British and American Petroleum Company Nersik Pamboukjian A freelance journalist Preface In the beginning was the word. And the word was BANG! Bloody great big bang! The Demiurge or The Lord as he was known as later had a look round after all the galactic debris had settled and found a small innocent looking planet that was just starting to evolve. And so he set forth to work on this exciting new venture. „What on earth am I going to call it? I‟ll think of something.‟ So after flogging his guts out for six days, he decided to give it a rest and had a day off on the seventh. I‟m not surprised; the poor bloke must have been knackered „Hum, not a bad job. It looks lovely doesn‟t it?‟ he hummed to himself. „Here we go, here we go, here we go,‟ and a little tune started up in his mind but he couldn‟t find anything to rhyme with “evolve” as he watched things crawl out of the water; as he watched things walking, running and even flying. He watched Ardipithecus Ramidus starting to crawl and then walk. He watched Australapithecus then Homo Habilis and Homo Erectus and then along came Adam and Eve. „Yes!‟ He gave a big punch in the air. Of course the vines hadn‟t developed to such a stage yet so there wasn‟t a decent drop of Chardonnay to be had anywhere to celebrate. And along came Abraham and he started begatting and then Moses managed to sneak his tribe past Egyptian immigration control. But things were taking a turn for the worst. What with the Hittites and those bloody Assyrians and then to cap it all who turned up but the Greeks and the Romans. Everything was going tits up. Wars, pestilences, droughts, floods,,,,, „thank God for old Noah eh?‟ This is not quite what I had in mind, I just wanted a nice quiet little place where I could rest and put my feet up on a Sunday. That Garden of Eden was just perfect but somehow it 11 hasn’t worked out quite to plan. I blame that bloody snake, he hasn’t got a leg to stand on. I know what I’ll do. I’ll send down my son. Young Jesus, he should be able to sort it all out. That’s nice, just bloody charming. I send down my boy, and what do they do.