ANAMCARA: A WAY FOR MARRIAGE KENNETH R. NEILSON B.A., University of Manitoba, 1978 B.S.L., Canadian Nazarene College, 1978 M.A., Eastern Nazarene College, 1994 Thesis Submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Ministry Acadia Divinity College Acadia University Spring Convocation 2016 © by KENNETH R. NEILSON 2016 This thesis by Kenneth R. Neilson was defended successfully in an oral examination on 15 March 2016. The examining committee for the thesis was: Dr. Anna Robbins, Chair Dr. Charles S. Pottie-Pâté, SJ, External Examiner Dr. John Stewart, Internal Examiner Dr. John Sumarah, Supervisor Dr. John McNally, DMin Program Director This thesis is accepted in its present form by Acadia Divinity College, the Faculty of Theology of Acadia University, as satisfying the thesis requirements for the degree of Doctor of Ministry. ii I, Kenneth R. Neilson, hereby grant permission to the University Librarian at Acadia University to provide copies of my thesis, upon request, on a non-profit basis. Kenneth R. Neilson Author Dr. John Sumarah Supervisor 15 March 2016 Date iii Table of Contents Abstract vii Acknowledgements viii Dedication ix Approval to Reproduce Copyright Material x Introduction 1 Description of Ministry Context 3 Statement of the Problem, Thesis Statement and Thesis Questions 3 Chapter 1 Biblical Foundation 5 A Foundation from the Gospel of John 6 The Early Christian Communities 17 A Learning Community 19 A Loving Community 20 A Worshipping Community 22 An Evangelistic Community 25 Marriage as a Witness 27 Chapter 2 Historical and Theological Perspectives and Practices of Anamcara 35 Origins of the Celtic People and their Religion 38 Celtic Religion 41 Celtic Christianity - the Influence of the Gospel 43 St. Martin, St. Ninian, St. John Cassian 45 St. Patrick 47 iv Celtic Theology 50 Creation 50 People 53 Anamcara 57 Group Anamcara - Contributions from John Wesley 61 Chapter 3 Contributing Researchers and Practitioners regarding Marital Friendship 69 Chapter 4 Methodology and Interviews 80 Methods 82 Description of Participants 84 Procedure 84 Interviews and Questionnaire Results 86 Couple #1 - Gerry and Donna 87 Couple #2 - Kyle and Maddie 94 Couple #3 - Ted and Jill 102 Couple #4 - Mike and Sarah 116 Chapter 5 Presentation of the Elements of a Retreat Curriculum 128 The Five Elements 129 1. Intentional Connecting 129 2. Commitment as Obedience to God 134 3. Deepening Friendship through Crisis 137 4. Spiritual Formation 140 v 5. Lack of Criticism and Negativity 146 Structure of the Elements of a Retreat/Curriculum 150 Retreat Schedule 152 Conclusion 153 Further Research and Implications for Ministry 155 Closing Thoughts 156 Appendix A Consent form for Research Participants and Letter of Invitation 159 Appendix B Interview of Marital Friendship 162 Appendix C Oral History Interview Questions, Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test, Sound Relationship House Questionnaire 163 Oral History Interview 163 Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test 165 Sound Relationship House Questionnaire 166 Bibliography 183 vi Abstract The aim of this thesis project is to articulate and develop a biblical model of friendship and a Celtic theology of ‘soul friend’, understanding its importance and application to marriage. The project includes qualitative research with married couples exploring their experiences and practices of being friends. Through conversations with these couples the research identifies five elements that are an important part of forming their ‘soul friendship’. These five elements: Intentional Connecting, Commitment as Obedience to God, Deepening Friendship through Crisis, Spiritual Formation, and Lack of Criticism and Negativity, with the biblical model of friendship and the Celtic theology of ‘soul-friendship’, grounds the teaching sessions of a retreat curriculum for married couples seeking care through the ministry of ‘Inthestillness’ retreat center. This retreat curriculum has application for all leaders wishing to strengthen marriages under their care. vii Acknowledgements Acadia Divinity College has provided me with an opportunity to study and grow in ministry effectiveness and personal confidence. I would like to thank Dr. Bruce Fawcett for his timely phone call and belief in my potential to succeed. Thanks also to Dr. Harry Gardner for his life and consistent witness over the years, and to Dr. Anna Robbins and her leadership team for their support and grace. My thanks and appreciation also go to Dr. John Sumarah for his positive guidance, gentle way, and friendship through the writing journey. Thank you to the four couples of this research project for their honesty, vulnerability and openness. The telling of your marriage story will help others. The work of Dr. John M. Gottman, whose research has changed the way I work for and with couples, has been invaluable to this study. To my very good friend Dr. Douglas Hardy who has consistently introduced spiritual formation practices, as well as the world of Celtic Christian spirituality, thank you. Your influence has been very much appreciated. I want to thank my wife Fay for her support, understanding and love through my Doctoral studies and this research project. viii Dedication To my wife Fay, my true Anamcara, and a wonderful witness of Jesus. ix Approval to Reproduce Copyright Material Permission to use the Oral History Interview and the material of the Sound Relationship House of the Assessment, Intervention and Co-Morbidities, Gottman Couples Therapy Level 2, for this thesis project was given by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Relationship Institute, Inc., 2012. x [This page is blank on purpose.] Introduction This project and the importance of it continues to grow from the experiences of counselling and caring for couples dealing with marital crisis. The call of God to care for people is clear: ‘Should not shepherds take care of the flock?’1... ‘You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost... .’2 The admonition of Jesus to care is also clear as expressed to leaders: ‘...you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.’3 These concerns and my ethical responsibility, as spoken by the writer of the Ephesians, to ‘live a life worthy of the calling you have received,’4 forms the motivation for this study. The call to equip, care, and empower marriages, and those that influence marriages, by giving them the best evidence-based research on marriage and a careful and clear witness from the word of God. This will answer the call of Jesus, to ‘feed my sheep’.5 What has been consistently true for almost all marriages in crisis is the experience of loneliness and isolation. The lack of connecting and friendship with their spouse and the increase in negativity toward their marital relationship leads to what John Gottman uses 1 Ezekiel 34:2b. The Holy Bible, New International Version, (Nashville:Holman Bible Publishers, 1999) All Scripture will be from the New International Version unless otherwise stated. 2 Ezekiel 34:4a. 3 Luke 11:46. 4 Ephesians 4:1b. 5 John 21:17b. 1 to indicate a slide into divorce, the ‘distance and isolation Cascade’.6 The dilemma increases when the empowering of couples to understand the nature and process of being a ‘soul friend,’ as the insulating feature from divorce, is limited. What is true of couples who are doing well is the deep level of friendship. My study of Celtic Christian spirituality has highlighted two concepts and practices that hold significant meaning to my life and ministry here at ‘Inthestillness’ Retreat Center. These concepts are the role of creation in our experience of connecting with God, and the relationship of having a ‘soul friend’. The understanding, importance, and application of a ‘soul friend’ in a married relationship will be the focus of this thesis project. Through conversations with married couples the research will add to the discovery of how that happens and will articulate and develop into several elements for a retreat curriculum/guide. These elements will inform the teaching and will be used as a tool to empower couples to indeed be ‘soul friends’. The guide will also help leaders to model and shepherd their people in becoming ‘soul friends’ in marriage. C. S. Lewis said many years ago, ‘We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private; and therefore starved for meditations and true friendship.’7 This retreat guide/curriculum, embodied in experience and modeled by our practice will, in part, meet these needs for couples. 6 John M. Gottman, The Marriage Clinic (New York: W.W. Norton, 1999), 127. 7 C. S. Lewis Daily, https://twitter.com/cslewisdaily/status/532109485481803776. Accessed Nov 11, 2014. 2 Description of Ministry Context ‘Inthestillness’ Retreat Center offers a woodland retreat for people to come, be still and hear the voice of God. Couples consistently seek care for their marriages in this place. These couples desire intimacy in their marriage. They desire a ‘soul friend.’ We wish to empower couples to find that soul friend in each other and to develop a process for leaders to teach couples under their care to experience this deep level of care. As owner/ operators of ‘Inthestillness’ Retreat Center, the expressed desire of our hearts is to model the practice of Jesus when He said to his disciples, ‘Come with me to a quiet place and rest a while.’ This practice of retreat empowered Him to continue the call placed on His life. The call in our context is to empower couples to be ‘soul friends’ and to encourage all married couples to live a life worthy of their calling as husband and wife.