We would like to thank the talented children who gave us permission to use their artwork in this volume: Alex K., Alex R., Carden, Carolina,Casey, Dana, Danielle, Elizabeth, Erin, Ethan, Frances, Hannah, John, Katie, Kerry, Kylie, Laura, Lauren, Lyndsay, Morgan, Nelson, Trevis, and Zac. The editors and authors of this book are proud to donate their royalties to SAVE THE CHILDREN is an international relief and developmental organization dedicated to making lasting, positive change in the lives of children in need in the United States and forty-six countries around the world. WISDOM & REFLECTIONS FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE DEVOTED THEIR CAREERS TO KIDS Edited by Marshall P. Duke & Sara Bookman Duke Dedication To our grandmothers— Anna Bookman and Helen Cherry. Your stories live on. Published by PEACHTREE PUBLISHERS, LTD. 494 Armour Circle NE Atlanta, Georgia 30324 www.peachtree-online.com Text © 2000 by Marshall P. Duke and Sara Bookman Duke, and the respective authors of each essay. Cover illustrations and interior illustrations © 2000 by the respective artists. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher. Cover and book design by Loraine M. Balcsik Manufactured in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 First Edition Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data What works with children : wisdom and reflections from people who have devoted their careers to kids / edited by Marshall Duke and Sara Duke. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 1-56145-200-9 (alk. paper) 1. Child welfare. 2. Children—Services for. 3. Child rearing. 4. Parent and child 5. Child care workers. I. Duke, Marshall P. II. Duke, Sara HV713.W46 2000 362.7—dc21 00-009065 Table of Contents INTRODUCTION xiii Part One WHAT DO CHILDREN NEED? CREATING AN ENVIRONMENT FOR HEALTHY GROWTH 1 RIPPLESUPONTHE WATER 5 James M. Bennett “I NEEDA BODY”9 Ora L. Hill Cooks LESSONSFROM SCHOOLAND LIFE 13 Howard L. Weinberger RAISING RESPONSIBLE, COOPERATIVE, AND CARING CHILDREN 17 Kathleen A. Walton LAYING THE GROUNDWORK FOR SUCCESSIN SCHOOL 23 Lynn W. Brandon ENABLING YOUR CHILDTO GROW STRONG, HAPPY, AND CONFIDENT 27 Irwin Jay Knopf LET GO WITH LOVE 33 Jean Cline Pryor CREATING AN IDEAL WORLD 39 Rita Myers Tuvlin A SENSEOF BELONGING 45 Kay Gwaltney Remick “YOU COME TOO” 49 Richard E. Hanson Jr. ALLOWING CHILDREN’S GIFTSTO EMERGE 55 Dorothy M. Pearl A WORKIN PROGRESS 59 Edward Z. Rosenzweig POSITIVE PARENTING 63 Anita Weinberger BEFORE YOU TURN AROUND 69 Sara Bookman Duke What Works with Children Part Two WHAT TO DO? SPECIFIC ISSUES IN CHILDREARING 75 vi LOVEAND LIMITS 79 Perry McArthur Butterfield CHILDHOOD IS NOTA DISEASE 87 Robert Kleemeier RELATIONSHIPS WITH TEACHERS 93 Sherleen Sisney BEHAVIOR AND DISCIPLINE 99 Michael R. Papciak SINGLE PARENTING: NOTA ONE-MAN (OR WOMAN) JOB 105 Coleen C. Salley THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF EDUCATION 111 Gertrude F. Krick THE GIFTOFA HEALTHY LIFESTYLE 117 Thomas C. Johnson RAISING BOYS 123 Henry Harsch RAISING CHILDRENINA WORLDOF INEQUALITIES 131 Carl A. Grant PROVIDING CONTEXTAND BALANCE 137 Judith Soloff Werlin HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS 143 Stephen Nowicki Jr. PARENTING ADOLESCENTS 149 Jane Stoodt Attanucci ADVICEFOR YOUR YOUNG ADULTS 153 Michael K. Levine Table of Contents Part Three WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO US? GUIDING AND SHAPING OUR CHILDREN 157 vii “ARE YOUTHE LIBRARY GIRL?” 161 Diane P. Monnier A TANGO, A TWO-STEP 167 Barbara Ellison Rosenblit YOU ARE YOUR CHILD’S FIRST TEACHER 175 Ron Luckie EDUCATING OUR CHILDREN 181 Pearlie Craft Dove LISTENWITH YOUR HEART 187 Mimi Brodsky Chenfeld HELP YOUR CHILDREN REACH FOR THE STARS 191 Rona Leichter Seidel THE WISDOMOF OUR TRADITIONS 197 Richard Wagner BUILDINGA PERSONOF MERIT 201 Sheila Freundlich Mofson PRACTICE AND PATIENCE: LESSONS ABOUT RAISING CHILDREN 207 Joel Yager YOU ARETHE ADULT 211 Kay E. Johnson THE BIG PICTURE (AND SOME SMALL STUFF) 215 Polly P. Hart THE IMPORTANCE OF LEGACY 221 Ethel Seiderman THIRTY THINGS I HAVE LEARNEDABOUT CHILDREN 225 Marshall P. Duke CONCLUSION 237 RECOMMENDED READING 240 ABOUT THE EDITORS 246 Introduction There are many ways of knowing. One of our beloved grandparents used to repeat this phrase again and again: “We don’t learn everything from books; life teaches us most lessons.” Somehow that invocation of a second way of knowing—the experien- tial—has appealed to us more and more over the years. As a clinical psychologist and a learning disabilities specialist, both of us have spent our careers working with children, and we have known many other professionals who have devoted their lives to helping children. It is their wisdom—the lessons they have learned from life—that we sought out to record in this book. The idea for the project arose from two sources. First, we observed that when we spoke with other professionals about individual cases involving particular children, we rarely got around to articulating what we thought really mattered. We also remembered how as young parents we were so wrapped up in the everyday details and struggles of raising our children that we seldom stepped back and considered the larger issues of parent- hood. We knew much more when dealing with our grandchildren than we did when our children were growing up. Introduction Both as parents and as professionals, we—and many others—had learned much along the way (humility and humor being high on the list!). We believed that this knowledge born of experience—this wisdom—could and should be harvested. The second source of inspiration for the project was the Last Lecture Series offered by many colleges and universities across America. In the series, professors ix are asked to imagine that they are about to give the last lecture of their life. In this lecture, they are to address this question: Based on all your years and experiences in your field of study, what would you want to pass on to the next generation? reed from the constraints of specific evidence, the lecturers are encouraged Fto take a more personal view of what their disciplines can teach us about our lives. Although the premise for the series is a simple one, it often yields astonishing and invigorating insights. We decided to pose this question to people who have spent their careers working with children. Scientific studies of child behavior and development abound; a host of experts are constantly ready to give us advice. But we were interested in another class of experts—people with a vast range of experi- ence not only in working with children but also in simply living and conversing with them. We were convinced that such a collection of “last lectures” might both guide and enrich the efforts of adults to educate children and care for them more wisely. Our hope was to gather the thoughts and reflections of people who were experts in some aspect of working with children and to put their insights together in a vol- ume for parents as well as for others who work with children. We sought the help of a select group of professionals—people who had worked with children or adoles- cents for at least twenty-five years and who were known to be especially good at what they do. We asked these professionals—educators, pediatricians, psychologists, psychiatrists, ministers, librarians, and coaches, among others—to write a brief essay, a “last lecture,” reflecting on what they had learned about kids. We ultimately obtained essays from forty people who had spent their distinguished careers work- ing with and learning about children—their rich store of experience adds up to a thousand years of collected wisdom on raising children. What Works with Children Here then is the wisdom from some wonderful people who gave of their time and energy to pass on to us what they have learned about working with children. While all of the contributions are meant for parents, professionals who work with children may also find them enlightening. x Different readers will seek and find different things in the thoughts of others. We leave it to you to decide which bits of wisdom you will make your own. That’s the beauty of wisdom—it’s not a set of specific ideas. It is broad insight derived from extraordinarily thoughtful reflection on ordinary experience, com- bined with the ability to convey that insight in ways that touch the lives of others for the good. We have great faith that the love of parents and the resilience of children enable most kids to grow up as effective and well-adjusted adults. But parenthood is a journey with many detours and dead ends. Just as on any other long trip, a couple of books along the way will at the very least help pass the time. Now and then, however, you may find a book that helps you discover sights that you might not otherwise have seen or that directs you to a scenic byway that you will remember forever. We hope this book can be one of those. PART What Do ChildrenNeed? ONE Creating an Environment for Healthy Growth Children are like seedlings. They have the potential to grow, flower, and bear fruit, but unless they are nurtured in the proper soil and treated with care, they may not flourish. Many of our contributors addressed the question of the “soil” in which we raise our children. They remind us that a child’s environment is a central concern. Too often, we as parents focus on what we are doing with our children and fail to attend to the atmosphere that surrounds them.