Queer Kinship: An Exploration of the Rewards and Challenges of Planned Parenting among Gay Fathers by Ben-David Barr A dissertation submitted in partial satisfaction of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy in Social Welfare in the Graduate Division of the University of California, Berkeley Committee in charge: Professor Eileen Gambrill, Chair Professor William Runyan Assistant Professor Ingrid Seyer-Ochi Spring 2011 1 Abstract Queer Kinship: An Exploration of the Rewards and Challenges of Planned Parenting among Gay Fathers by Ben-David Barr Doctor of Philosophy in Social Welfare University of California, Berkeley Eileen Gambrill, Chair Gay fathers are creating family forms and parenting practices that reach beyond the nuclear family model. Analysis suggests that fathers in this study are developing unique and queer versions of kinship. Fathers’ desire for emotional connection leads to the creative assemblage of paid caregivers, friends, children’s non-legal biological kin, and gay men’s families of origin into kinship networks. These creative mixtures may be perceived as unusual family formations, but they assist gay fathers in creating social support and connected lives for themselves and their children. These findings are based on a qualitative research project that consisted of interviews with 15 gay fathers who resided in 8 households and who were raising 13 children. The participants were all self-identified gay men who had formed planned families outside of heterosexual relationships. Research aims included: To explore the lived experience of gay men raising children; To explore how gay fathers adapt concepts of kinship; To describe the role of social support in the lives of gay fathers; To present emergent and unanticipated topics. Data-collection methods included development of a genogram that described each family and their social support networks. In-depth interviews based on a semi-structured interview guide were then conducted with participants. Data analysis techniques were based within a grounded theory framework. Analysis resulted in development of 47 repeating ideas, which were then organized into nine themes: 1) Methods of family formation and Desire to parent; 2) Challenges of parenting; 3) Rewards of parenting; 4) Kinship is about connection; 5) Biology is less and more important than I thought; 6) Importance of non-kin social supports; 7) Changes in sense of connection to the gay community; 8) I always knew I would be a dad; and 9) Experiences with social welfare institutions. Implications and recommendations for future research and practice are included. i Dedication This dissertation is dedicated to the memory of my father, Jerome Herschel Barr. As people who lived before the advent of cell phones may remember, businesses, airports, and shopping malls used to have a public courtesy paging system. My dad had a habit of sending the following message out over the paging system: “ Will Dr. Ben Barr please come to the nearest white courtesy paging phone .” These messages greeted me on just about every shopping or family outing throughout my childhood and even popped up during my travels into my 20s and 30s. My dad was a creative man who always found his own ways to reach me and let me know he loved me and that he was proud of me. I thought of him often and with new insights as I wrote this dissertation. This dissertation is also dedicated to the future generations of my family—especially to my granddaughters, Sadie Mae and Olive Ann. I hope that someday I will be able to attend each and every one of your graduations and to someday read both of your dissertations. In the meantime… will Dr. Sadie Mae and Dr. Olive Ann please report to the nearest white courtesy paging phone… ii Acknowledgments This dissertation would not have been possible without the support and encouragement I received from my dissertation chair Professor Eileen Gambrill. Thank you for your support and encouragement. Thank you also to my committee members William “Mac” Runyan, and Ingrid Seyer-Ochi. I also want to thank Professors Jim Midgley and Julian Chow, who participated in my qualifying exams and gave me great support and encouragement. I would also like to acknowledge the support of the classmates and educational consultants who supported me on this journey. Thanks to Mariah, Beth, and Amy, for all your encouragement and support. Thanks also to Kira Freed, who did a wonderful job as a coach and editor. Thank you to Melissa, Moette, and Aaron for finding space to include me as a parent in your lives, for the naches you’ve brought into my life, and for the lessons you’ve taught me about patience, compassion, and commitment. Appreciation for the support of all my family members who put up with my long disappearances while I worked on this project, including my mother, Helen Barr, my sisters Roseanne, Geraldine, and Stephanie, and my children and their spouses: Melissa and Brett, Moette and Justin, and Aaron and Aifuji. I’m very grateful for the love, support, and acceptance I have received from my entire family, both those with biological connections and to those who are family by choice: Jake and Alisha, Jenny and Jeff, Jessica, Brandi and Will, Ari, Buck, Becca, Maura, Eli, Julia, Ethan, Otis, Kosmo, Buster, Ma’ayan, Adina, Maxine, Ira, Antonia, Dick, Hoda, and Alda, Sadie and Olive and thanks for the many dear friends who also supported and encouraged me during this long process. A special acknowledgement to my life partner and true helpmate of 30 years, John Edward Peterson. Thank you for all the lessons you have taught me, thank you for your love, patience, help, and encouragement, and, more than anything else, thank you for choosing me and sticking with me through it all. You are my left foot (and my heart). Finally, thank you to the fathers who participated in this project—thank you for sharing your stories and for your creativity, your compassion, and, most importantly, for the message about love and the meaning of family you have to teach. iii TABLE OF CONTENTS CHAPTER ONE: INTRODUCTION ......................................................................................1 CHAPTER TWO: LITERATURE REVIEW ..........................................................................3 Focus on the Family ........................................................................................................................................... 3 Review of Research on Gay Fathers ................................................................................................................. 18 Conclusion ...................................................................................................................................................... 32 CHAPTER THREE: METHODS .......................................................................................... 34 Overview of Qualitative Methods ..................................................................................................................... 34 Validity ........................................................................................................................................................... 36 Development of Study Methods ....................................................................................................................... 37 Sampling and Participant Recruitment .............................................................................................................. 39 Data Collection ................................................................................................................................................ 40 Data Analysis .................................................................................................................................................. 42 Situating the Researcher ................................................................................................................................... 45 Protection of Human Subjects .......................................................................................................................... 46 CHAPTER FOUR: FINDINGS I - CASE STUDIES AND DESCRIPTIVE FINDINGS .... 48 Description of the Participants ......................................................................................................................... 48 Brief Family Descriptions ................................................................................................................................ 50 Chapter Summary ............................................................................................................................................ 76 CHAPTER FIVE: FINDINGS II - RESULTS OF THEMATIC ANALYSIS ...................... 77 Research Aim: To Explore the Lived Experience of Gay Men Raising Children ................................................ 80 Research Aim: To Explore How Gay Fathers Adapt Concepts of Kinship ....................................................... 102 Research Aim: To Describe the Role of Social Support in the Lives of Gay Fathers ........................................ 113 Research Aim: To Present Emergent and Unanticipated Topics ...................................................................... 130 CHAPTER SIX: DISCUSSION AND IMPLICATIONS .................................................... 153 Key findings from Research Aim: To explore the lived experience of gay men raising children ....................... 154 Key findings from Research Aim: To explore how gay fathers adapt