Praise for How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk “THE PARENTING BIBLE.” —THE BOSTON GLOBE “WILL BRING ABOUT MORE COOPERATION FROM CHILDREN THAN ALL THE YELLING AND PLEADING IN THE WORLD.” —THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR “AN EXCELLENT BOOK THAT’S APPLICABLE TO ANY RELATIONSHIP.” —THE WASHINGTON POST “PRACTICAL, SENSIBLE, LUCID . THE APPROACHES FABER AND MAZLISH LAY OUT ARE SO LOGICAL YOU WONDER WHY YOU READ THEM WITH SUCH A BURST OF DISCOVERY.” —THE FAMILY JOURNAL “AN EXCEPTIONAL WORK, NOT SIMPLY JUST ANOTHER ‘HOW-TO’ BOOK . ALL PARENTS CAN USE THESE METHODS TO IMPROVE THE EVERYDAY QUALITY OF THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR CHILDREN.” —FORT WORTH STAR-TELEGRAM 30th–Anniversary Edition Updated with new insights from the next generation YOU CAN STOP FIGHTING WITH YOUR CHILDREN! Here is the bestselling book that will give you the know-how you need to be more effective with your children—and more supportive of yourself. Enthusiastically praised by parents and professionals around the world, the down-to-earth, respectful approach of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish makes relationships with children of all ages less stressful and more rewarding. Now, in this thirtieth-anniversary edition, these award- winning experts share their latest insights and suggestions based on feedback they’ve received over the years. Their methods of communication—illustrated with delightful cartoons showing the skills in action—offer innovative ways to solve common problems. You’ll learn how to: • Cope with your child’s negative feelings —frustration, disappointment, anger, etc. • Express your anger without being hurtful • Engage your child’s willing cooperation • Set firm limits and still maintain goodwill • Use alternatives to punishment • Resolve family conflicts peacefully Internationally acclaimed experts on communication between adults and children, ADELE FABER and ELAINE MAZLISH have won the gratitude of parents and the enthusiastic endorsement of the professional community. The authors‘ group workshop programs and videos produced by PBS are being used by parents and teachers around the world to improve relationships with children. They studied with the late child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott and are former members of the faculty of the New School for Social Research and the Family Life Institute of Long Island University. They currently reside in Long Island, New York, and each is the parent of three children. MEET THE AUTHORS, WATCH VIDEOS AND MORE AT SimonandSchuster.com • THE SOURCE FOR READING GROUPS • JACKET DESIGN BY REX BONOMELLI JACKET ILLUSTRATION BY KIMBERLY ANN COE COPYRIGHT © 2012 SIMON & SCHUSTER Other Books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish Between Brothers and Sisters: A Celebration of Life’s Most Enduring Relationship Liberated Parents/Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too How to Talk So Kids Can Learn: At Home and at School How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk Books for Children Bobby and the Brockles Bobby and the Brockles Go to School Visit Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish at www.fabermazlish.com Scribner A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 www.simonandschuster.com Copyright © 1980 by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Afterword to 1999 edition by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Afterword to 2012 edition by Joanna Faber. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Scribner Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020. First Scribner hardcover edition February 2012 SCRIBNER and design are registered trademarks of The Gale Group, Inc., used under license by Simon & Schuster, Inc., the publisher of this work. The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com. Library of Congress Control Number: 80051248 ISBN 978-1-4516-6387-7 ISBN 978-1-4516-6389-1 (ebook) Thank you for purchasing this Scribner eBook. Sign up for our newsletter and receive special offers, access to bonus content, and info on the latest new releases and other great eBooks from Scribner Books and Simon & Schuster. or visit us online to sign up at eBookNews.SimonandSchuster.com Contents Acknowledgments A Letter to Readers How to Read and Use This Book Chapter 1. Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings Chapter 2. Engaging Cooperation Chapter 3. Alternatives to Punishment Chapter 4. Encouraging Autonomy Chapter 5. Praise Chapter 6. Freeing Children from Playing Roles Chapter 7. Putting It All Together What’s It All About, Anyway? Afterword Many Years Later I. The Letters II. Yes, but . What if . How about . ? III. Their Native Tongue 30th Anniversary The Next Generation Some Books You May Find Interesting For Further Study . Index Acknowledgments To Leslie Faber and Robert Mazlish, our consultants-in-residence, who were always there for us—with a better phrase, a new thought, a word of encouragement. To Carl, Joanna, and Abram Faber, to Kathy, Liz, and John Mazlish, who cheered us on—just by being who they are. To Kimberly Coe, who took our stick figures and scribbled instructions and sent us back drawings of parents and children for whom we felt immediate affection. To Robert Markel for his support and guidance at a critical time. To Gerard Nierenberg, friend and advisor, who gave generously of his experience and expertise. To the parents in our workshops for their thoughtful feedback and written contributions. To Ann Marie Geiger and Patricia King for giving of themselves unstintingly when we needed them. To Jim Wade, our editor, whose unflagging good spirits and concern for quality made him a joy to work with. To Dr. Haim Ginott, who introduced us to new ways of communicating with children. When he died, the children of the world lost a great champion. He cared so much that there be “no more scratches on their souls.” A Letter to Readers Dear Reader, The last thing we ever thought we’d be doing was writing a “how-to” book on communication skills for parents. The relationship between each parent and child is a very personal and private matter. The idea of giving anyone instructions on how to talk in such a close relationship just didn’t feel right to us. In our first book, Liberated Parents/Liberated Children, we tried not to teach or preach. We had a story to tell. Our years of workshops with the late child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott had affected our lives deeply. We were sure that if we told the story of how our new skills had changed the way we treated both our children and ourselves, that our readers would catch the spirit behind the skills and be inspired to improvise on their own. To some extent it did work that way. Many parents wrote to tell us proudly of what they had been able to accomplish in their homes just from reading about our experiences. But there were other letters, and a common appeal ran through them all. They wanted a second book—a book with “lessons” . “practice exercises” . “rules of thumb” . “tear- out reminder pages” . some kind of materials that would help them to learn the skills “step-by-step.” For a while we considered the idea seriously, but our initial resistance returned and we pushed the thought to the back of our minds. Besides, we were too busy concentrating on the speeches and workshops we were preparing for our lecture tours. During the next few years we traveled around the country, conducting workshops for parents, teachers, school principals, hospital staffs, teenagers, and child-care workers. Wherever we went, people shared with us their personal experiences with these new methods of communication —their doubts, their frustrations, and their enthusiasm. We were grateful to them for their openness and we learned from them all. Our files were bulging with exciting new material. Meanwhile, the mail continued to come in, not only from the United States but from France, Canada, Israel, New Zealand, the Philippines, India. Mrs. Anagha Ganpule from New Delhi wrote: “There are so many problems about which I would like to take your advice. Please let me know what I could do to study the subject in depth. I am at a dead end. The old ways do not suit me, and I do not have the new skills. Please help me get over this.” That was the letter that did it. We started to think again about the possibility of writing a book that showed “how.” The more we talked about it, the more comfortable we became with the idea. Why not a “how-to” book with exercises so that parents could teach themselves the skills they wanted to know? Why not a book that would give parents a chance to practice what they’ve learned at their own pace—either by themselves or with a friend? Why not a book with hundreds of examples of helpful dialogues so that parents could adapt this new language to their own personal style? The book could have cartoons that would show the skills in action, so that a harried parent could glance at a picture and give himself or herself a quick refresher course. We’d personalize the book. We’d talk about our own experiences, answer the most commonly asked questions, and include the stories and new insights that parents in our groups have shared with us over the past six years. But, most important, we’d always keep sight of our larger goal— the constant search for methods that affirm the dignity and humanity of both parents and children.