THE SEXYTIME ISSUE * 137 BOOBS WE LOVE BEAR TRAPS FOR CATCHING FEMALES +ANOTHER THING THAT REDUCES BUTT STUFF WOMEN TO PREY for Father’s Day +IS CHILDBIRTH THE NEW SEX? ZAYN MALIK SADLY ISN’T OUR COVER MODEL THE HOTTEST BARS IN HOT GIRLS IN BIKINIS PLUS: THIS DOCTOR SPRING 2016 $0.00 DALLAS TO SHOW TO SMOKED CLOVE CIGA- KNOWS HOW TO YOUR STEPDAD, PAUL RETTES IN OUR OFFICE MEDICINE AND FUCK DARTMOUTHJACKO.COM Spring 2016 Contents Details Life Sex KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES 14 YOUR GUIDE TO 13 HOW TO GET HER MOIST 5 to break the ice at your men’s DOMINATING ANY SPACE rights activists meeting. but not too moist. HOROSCOPES FOR MEN 22 BAN-KI MOON’S GUIDE TO 15 #NOTALLMEN 5 FUCKING REAL NICE Seriously. 5 NEW CULTURES 22 you didn’t know you IT WASN’T SEXY 21 EXPERIMENTING WITH MEN 14 could appropriate & I was surprised. while letting everyone know you’re still homophobic. Features Talk 7 SIGNS 9 WE TALKED TO TOM HARDY 3 YOUR PROSTATE IS GAY 16 Chicks about Tom Hardy. & that’s okay. WE GOT MODEL GIGI 18 1-ON-1 WITH GOLDEN 17 SURPRISE! WE RANKED 6 HADID TO RUN THE EU GLOBE-WINNER® PAUL SOME FEMALES! and her tits were FIRE. GIAMATTI’S FLESHLIGHT Meet Rosie. HOW TO NEG HER 8 into getting that master’s Fitness degree. HOW TO GET SWOLE 19 5 SCENTS THAT WILL 21 FOR GIMPSUIT SEASON REMIND HER OF HER DAD Latex: can't live with it, can't Want More JQ? live without it. Check us Cars out online at THE BEST COMPACT CARS 12 dartmouthjacko.com. for picking up tiny wee womenfolk. meat club: a club: for meat SF · NEW YORK · TOKYO · LOS ANGELES · HONG KONG Letter from the Editor The Last Letter: A Dope Farewell HONESTLY, I'M MORE OF A ONE-BOOB KIND OF GUY. annual BBQ/Cocaine Bash. Not that And as we enter the height of intern. I only fired him as a distrac- spring, I've been thinking about what tion, because I knew how good you inspires me lately: street meat, Thai were at CrossFit and preferred he prostitutes, casual racism, and AXE get his face punched instead of me. body spray. I think you'll find that this Classic office shenanigans. We’ve issue draws on these themes subtly as had a great few years, haven’t we we navigate the waters of life, style, gentlemen? and finding hot poon to bone. And in the spirit of confes- Of course, there are so many sions, there’s something else that’s people I’d like to thank who have really been bugging me for a while. aided my JQ journey. The people over As dudes, I know we all love boobs. at Meat Club SF, for encouraging me They’re one of the few things that to spend $2,000 annually on lamb make women worthwhile. But I can’t pops and filet – it was well worth it, take it any longer without telling you: boys. The female interns, who sub- honestly, I’m just more of a one-boob consciously gave me permission to kind of guy. Why do we need two? photograph their sideboobs. All of THIS IS MY LAST ISSUE of But motorboating, Topher! you say. the escorts at Pier 69, for doing all of JQ and I’m looking back on so many To that I say one-tata tetherball. Just the amazing work they do. And lastly, great memories. Like that time our slappin’ that glorious 34D bazonga my staff. There’s no one I’d rather Senior Sports Editor, Chuck, got his around with no resistance from a do horse tranquilizers in Ibiza with dick stuck in the office vacuum, or the pesky partner hooter. Doesn’t that while shitting out 40 pages of what time one of our interns drowned on sound like the But motorboating, other people might the party yacht. Or that time we got dopest of times? believe is journalism. Craig a stripper that looked just like Oh, to be young Topher! you say. To I hope the rest of your his sister. That was classic. I’m chok- and alive with that I say one-tata careers are filled with ing up just thinking about it. Broth- one fat funbag to tetherball. Peruvian hallucino- erhood. That’s what this publication swat around. gens, listicles dictat- is all about, really. Brotherhood, and But I digress. These are all ing womens’ bodies, and one-jugged categorizing women into levels of things I can do in my retirement at hookers. You deserve it. fuckability. It’s truly a magical place. the ripe age of 29. Between heliski- Forever shreddin', In this time of nostalgia, I ing and wind-jujitsu, I’m sure I’ll can’t help but want to get some things have tons of time to find a single-tit- off my chest. Carter, it was me who ted chick that beats my fap material fucked your cousin at the company’s by a longshot. 2 Ta lk We e d to a profile b:y CHRIS THEREAU Tom Hardy ab:out b:eing Tom Hardy A SITDOWN WITH TOM HARDY An intimate chat with one of today’s best What do they have in common with to hire him as an actor!” and some- action stars · by CHRIS THEREAU Tom Hardy?” I say to my family and one else says “Bring me Tom Har- JQ: So, tell us about your style Tom Hardy. What are you wearing today? TH: Oh this? All of these clothes? This is just really typical Tom Har- dy clothes. I can use them for in- terviews, or for acting, but only if it’s something my character would wear. Probably some comfy run- ning shoes, because I seem like a laid back guy. But then nice slacks, because I take work seriously. Tom Hardy is a serious man. And I am that man. JQ: We can see that. Speaking of, some of your most famous Tom Hardy roles have required you to wear something on your face. Talk about that as a working experience. Do you ever wear masks in your day-to- day Tom Hardy life? TH: As you know, I am a famous actor. So when a director like Chris- topher Nolan says “Tom Hardy, we need you to wear this mask on your face.” I ask “But then how will peo- ple know that this movie features me, Tom Hardy?” but then he says “Your name, Tom Hardy, will ap- pear in the credits at the end of the film.” And, just like that, when the film ends it says “Tom Hardy”, right up there with a lot of other names. That’s the only one that is mine though, the others belong to the rest of the cast and the crew of the film. friends at dinner or at the park, “I dy! I want him to be my family and JQ: Are there any roles that have am not Tom Hardy. I am Bane, or friend!” they won’t get two different been hard for you to embody? Since Max the Madman”. I hate to admit men. Both of them will be the man you are Tom Hardy, is it hard to pre- it, but even then, in the back of my sitting before you, unless I am in the tend to be someone else? mind, I still know I’m Tom Hardy. middle of shooting a movie. They TH: Of course it’s hard. There hasn’t JQ: You talked about your family would have to yell “Bring me Bane or Max the Madman!” When I find myself playing someone JQ: What about love? Is it hard hav- ing a love life when you’re the movie else... I hate to admit it, but even star Tom Hardy? then, in the back of my mind, I still TH: It simply is. When I am at work with my coworkers, Tom Hardy know I’m Tom Hardy. is at work working. When I am at been one movie I’ve worked on so- and friends. How does Tom Hardy home with my lover, Tom Hardy is far where I have been asked to play the actor relate to Tom Hardy the at home loving. It doesn’t matter Tom Hardy. That would be easy, man with family and friends? Are how easy or hard each is to do, I just because I am Tom Hardy, so I think I these the same Tom Hardy? do it. Because I am Tom Hardy and could convincingly play Tom Hardy. TH: Let me make this perfectly that’s what Tom Hardy does. So when I find myself playing some- clear: there is only one Tom Hardy. one else, I have to ask myself “Tom He is I, and I am he. When someone Hardy is pictured in a jacket and shirt ,* both Hardy, what is this person like? says “Bring me Tom Hardy! I want by KM Separates. 4 how to GET HER MOIST (but not too moist) Fair warning, our sexologist suffered a severe concussion in a polo accident, but we have decided to run his column anyway. She’s moist, if you are a ready L ady girls all around the man. #NOT world be kissing and danc- Many times I hear about ing, sweating this way and the complaining. How this that. Yeah. I like it. But that and that is causing it all up ALL don’t mean nothing cause and downsides.