HELP AND FOR FAMILIES AND HOPEFRIENDS OF ALCOHOLICS Helping Children I Made a Desperate Phone Call I Wasn’t a “J o i n e r ” AL-ANON FACES ALCOHOLISM 2018 FREETake-HomeCopy from the cover 2 I Made a Desperate Phone Call Melissa N., Manitoba 8 Helping Children Exposed to a Loved One’s Alcoholism Jerry Moe, National Director of Children’s Programs at the Betty Ford Center, Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation, Rancho Mirage, California Summary of a First Steps to Al‑Anon Recovery Podcast 21 I Wasn’t a “Joiner” Linda H., New York Dear Reader, Help and hope! Living with someone whose drinking created havoc in my life made me crave both. I blamed myself for the drinking, believing it was caused by my own inadequacies. I thought if I could distinguish myself, do everything perfectly, find just the right words, I could effect a change. In fact, I thought it was my responsibility to do so. I was afraid to seek help—because I felt ashamed. I tried not to let anyone know what was happening in my home, tired from maintaining the façade that everything was all right. I feared the consequences that might occur if I sought help. When I entered the doors of Al‑Anon, I found relief from the idea that I had caused the problem, needed to control it and somehow cure it. The sharing of other members gave me hope. In the early years of my loved one’s sobriety, I still needed the support I found in Al‑Anon meetings. Because of the experience and strength of people who became my most intimate friends, I found a range of actions I could take that suited me. I was free to learn and find my own path, using the tools Al‑Anon offered. I discovered a gentle and simple way to a happier life and a connection with those who understood my hurt, anger, anxiety and love in the deepest way. I found Al‑Anon meetings in my community, on the phone and online—all free and open to everyone. The principle of anonymity kept my attendance and what I shared private, so I felt safe. Why not come to a meeting and experience hope and freedom from despair? Meet people just like you. Members will welcome you. Hope and help—that’s what I experienced at my very first Al‑Anon meeting, and I continue to pass along those gifts to others today. Most sincerely, Mary G. Executive Director, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 1 al-anon.org “I felt like my rationality was slipping away.” I Made a Desperate Phone Call Melissa N., Manitoba can remember sneaking out to the garage one winter night to check I the cupboards and car trunk for empties left by my spouse. At 3 a.m., shivering in my slippers and housecoat, I searched for “proof” of something that was impacting almost every facet of my life. With an empty bottle in hand, I made a desperate phone call to my spouse’s therapist, pleading for help and demanding that she do something about his drinking. The next morning I was ashamed of my actions and my emotional chaos. I felt like my rationality was slipping away. I heard about Al‑Anon in my professional life and thought I had nothing left to lose by trying it. In Al‑Anon, I quickly learned that the proof I had been searching for wasn’t found in empty bottles, but in the form of my insecurity, shame, desperation and hopelessness. Al‑Anon helps me look within to find saner, healthier ways to cope with the effects of alcoholism. 2 888-4AL-ANON The Best Gifts I Can Give My Children Crystal V., Alberta ecause of my recovery in Al‑Anon, my relationship with Bmy two children has greatly improved. My son is 11 years old and my daughter, nine. In the past, when they started kindergarten, I was overly protective of both. I worried about them all the time and hardly focused on myself. I enabled my son and my daughter when it came to school and sports, but I had little patience for them at home. I would be frustrated a lot, I know now, because I was trying to control them and my alcoholic husband. “I just presumed they were incapable of doing anything on their own.” Since my recovery, I have more patience with my children. Instead of nagging him, I leave my son alone when he is doing his homework. I use the slogans, “Let Go and Let God,” or “How Important Is It?” and “Live and Let Live” during times when I’m losing my serenity and being a controlling mother. I feel the best gifts I can give my children are the tools and knowledge I have learned in the Al‑Anon program. It’s funny how I didn’t notice in the past how wonderful my children really are—I just presumed they were incapable of doing anything on their own. Now I have faith they will grow up just fine. “It’s Not Your Fault. You Didn’t Cause It.” R. R. G., California I first heard about Al‑Anon while in the hospital. A wonderful social worker said to me, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause it.” At the time, I really didn’t know what she was talking about. I was in a dense fog of pain and couldn’t see my way out. Her words guided me to my first Al‑Anon meeting. al-anon.org 3 How Do I Know if Al‑Anon Could Help Me? Heavy drinkers commonly say that their drinking is not as serious a problem as some people think. People who are close to them also have a tendency to minimize how seriously the drinker’s alcohol abuse has affected them. They are trying to keep things as normal as possible under conditions that are sometimes unbearable. These questions can help you decide if you could benefit from visiting an Al‑Anon meeting. 1. Do you worry about how much someone else drinks? 2. Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking? 3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking? 4. Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you? 5. Are plans frequently upset or canceled because of the drinker? 6. Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”? 7. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout? 8. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior? 9. Do you search for hidden alcohol? 10. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety? 11. Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control someone else’s drinking? 12. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved? If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, Al‑Anon or Alateen may be helpful. 4 888-4AL-ANON Al‑Anon Is Gentle Dr. Daniella Jackson, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Researcher New Port Richey, Florida t is a typical day at the prac‑ Steps, Traditions, Concepts and the Itice. I prepare the materials for Slogans). I share how the fellow‑ the substance abuse support group ship can aid anyone impacted by and open the door for clients. They someone else’s drinking. begin sitting down and talking Most importantly, I discuss in detail loudly among themselves. Once the program’s gentle approach. everyone signs in, I present the fol‑ Talking about Al‑Anon’s gentleness lowing topic: the impact of paren‑ attracts clients who may otherwise tal alcoholism and/or other family be skeptical about seeking help. At members’ problem drinking. The the end of my group sessions, a few loudness subsides, and nobody can clients often ask me for a “Where hear a pin drop. & When” list of Al‑Anon meetings The silence and attentiveness of in the area. Their request warms the group members, here and in the my heart, and I am reassured, time past, have led me to continue talk‑ and again, of the importance of ing for the past 17 years about the sharing Al‑Anon with those coping impact of drinking on family mem‑ with alcohol abuse in friends and/or bers. Through it all, some clients hold loved ones. back tears; others cannot. No mat‑ One day at a time, the various ter how they express their emotions, program components provide indi‑ I can see the unbearable pain in viduals with tools to decrease—and their eyes. hopefully heal—the unbearable pain After giving clients an opportu‑ caused by someone else’s drinking. nity to express themselves, I discuss Al‑Anon is one of the most valuable solutions for their problems, espe‑ resources available for family and cially Al‑Anon with all its helpful friends of problem drinkers. components (i.e., Sponsorship, the “No matter how they express their emotions, I can see the unbearable pain in their eyes.” al-anon.org 5 When Someone Lasting Effects Close to you Even if active alcoholism is not Drinks Too Much in your life now, sometimes a relationship with a problem drinker Sometimes the problem drinker can have long‑lasting effects. is a spouse or partner. Sometimes Al‑Anon and Alateen members parents are concerned about help each other to understand and their son’s or daughter’s drinking.