Eric Garner Assertiveness Re-claim your assertive birthright Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 2 Assertiveness: Re-claim your assertive birthright © 2012 Eric Garner & Ventus Publishing ApS ISBN 978-87-7681-964-4 Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 3 Assertiveness Contents Contents Preface 9 1 What Is Assertiveness? 10 1.1 Dictionary Definitions 10 1.2 Origins 10 1.3 The Assertive Journey 10 1.4 Your Self-Esteem 11 1.5 The Confidence Lane 11 1.6 The Three Modes 11 1.7 What Assertiveness is Not 13 1.8 Outcomes 13 1.9 Benefits 13 1.10 Key Points 14 2 The Origins of Assertiveness 15 2.1 The Assertive Child 15 2.2 The Protective Parent 15 2.3 Our Early Years’ Programming 16 2.4 To Stay the Same or Change? 18 2.5 Key Points 18 Fast-track your career Masters in Management Stand out from the crowd Designed for graduates with less than one year of full-time postgraduate work experience, London Business School’s Masters in Management will expand your Please click the advert thinking and provide you with the foundations for a successful career in business. The programme is developed in consultation with recruiters to provide you with the key skills that top employers demand. Through 11 months of full-time study, you will gain the business knowledge and capabilities to increase your career choices and stand out from the crowd. London Business School Applications are now open for entry in September 2011. Regent’s Park London NW1 4SA United Kingdom Tel +44 (0)20 7000 7573 For more information visit www.london.edu/mim/ Email [email protected] email [email protected] or call +44 (0)20 7000 7573 www.london.edu/mim/ Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 4 Assertiveness Contents 3 Facets of Assertiveness 19 3.1 Winning and Losing 19 3.2 Assertive Rights 19 3.3 Acting Assertively 21 3.4 Speaking Assertively 21 3.5 Problem-Solving 22 3.6 Being Nice 23 3.7 Natural Assertion 23 3.8 Key Points 24 4 Applications of Assertiveness 25 4.1 Responding to Compliments 25 4.2 Responding to Criticism 25 4.3 Saying “No” to Others 26 4.4 Overcoming Shyness 27 4.5 Admitting You’re Wrong 27 4.6 Raising Your Self-Esteem 27 4.7 Expressing Your Feelings 27 4.8 Key Points 27 5 Assertive Communication 28 5.1 Own Your Communication 28 5.2 Describe, Don’t Judge 28 You’re full of energy and ideas. And that’s © UBS 2010. All rights reserved. just what we are looking for. Looking for a career where your ideas could really make a difference? UBS’s Graduate Programme and internships are a chance for you to experience for yourself what it’s like to be part of a global team that rewards your input and believes in succeeding together. Please click the advert Wherever you are in your academic career, make your future a part of ours by visiting www.ubs.com/graduates. www.ubs.com/graduates Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 5 Assertiveness Contents 5.3 Be Specific, not Generalized 28 5.4 Three Words to Eliminate from Your Communication 28 5.5 Making Requests 28 5.6 Asking for Time 29 5.7 Fogging 30 5.8 Broken Record 30 5.9 Constructive Feedback 30 5.10 Key Points 31 6 Managing Assertively 32 6.1 Co-operation not Confrontation 33 6.2 Diversity not Sameness 33 6.3 Fairness not Favouritism 33 360° 6.4 Power to Do, not Power to Impress 33 6.5 Openness not Secrecy 33 6.6 Leaders not just Managers 33 thinking 6.7 Integrity not Dictatorship 360° 34 . 6.8 Outdated Models 34 6.9 New Models thinking 34 6.10 Key Points . 35 360° thinking . 360° thinking. Please click the advert Discover the truth at www.deloitte.ca/careers Discover the truth at www.deloitte.ca/careers © Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities. Discover the truth at www.deloitte.ca/careers © Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities. Download free ebooks at bookboon.com © Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities. Discover the truth6 at www.deloitte.ca/careers © Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities. Assertiveness Contents 7 Managing Conflict 36 7.1 Avoidance 36 7.2 Direct Aggression 36 7.3 Accommodation 37 7.4 Assertiveness 37 7.5 Key Points 38 8 Social Confidence 39 8.1 Conversational Openers 39 8.2 Keeping a Conversation Going 39 8.3 Active Listening 39 8.4 Positive Feedback 40 8.5 Safe Disclosure 40 8.6 Presenting Yourself 40 8.7 Avoiding Controversy 40 8.8 Key Points 41 9 Assertive Roles at Work 42 9.1 The Assertive Appraiser 42 9.2 The Assertive Boss 42 9.3 The Assertive Chairperson 42 9.4 The Assertive Communicator 42 Please click the advert Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 7 Assertiveness Contents 9.5 The Assertive Customer-Carer 42 9.6 The Assertive Recruiter 42 9.7 The Assertive Team Leader 42 9.8 The Assertive Negotiator 43 9.9 The Assertive Employee 43 9.10 Key Points 43 10 Assertiveness Training 44 10.1 Watch Your Self-Talk 45 10.2 Use the ABC Technique 45 10.3 Set a New Trigger 45 10.4 Anchors 46 10.5 Musts into Preferences 46 10.6 Hold On Tightly... 46 10.7 Work on Your Self-Esteem 46 10.8 Practise Affirmations 47 10.9 Practise Visualisations 47 10.10 Get a Role Model 48 10.11 Scripting 48 10.12 Key Points 48 Web Resources on Assertiveness 49 your chance to change the world Here at Ericsson we have a deep rooted belief that the innovations we make on a daily basis can have a profound effect on making the world a better place for people, business and society. Join us. In Germany we are especially looking for graduates Please click the advert as Integration Engineers for • Radio Access and IP Networks • IMS and IPTV We are looking forward to getting your application! To apply and for all current job openings please visit our web page: www.ericsson.com/careers Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 8 Assertiveness Preface Preface Introduction to Assertiveness Assertiveness is one of the most important skills you can learn today. It can be used in almost any situation at work as well as in your home and social life. Assertiveness changes the way you communicate, changes the way you deal with conflict, and changes your own relationship with yourself. It is the gateway to confidence, respect, and self-esteem. As you will learn in this book, assertiveness is something you are born with and naturally good at. Only the intervention of others with your best interests at heart rob you of assertiveness and teach you unsatisfactory substitutes, such as submission and aggression. But assertiveness is always waiting for you to re-discover its magic. If you are someone who feels they have lost their way in their relations with others, this book will show you how to claim back your birthright. Profile of Author Eric Garner Eric Garner is an experienced management trainer with a knack for bringing the best out of individuals and teams. Eric founded ManageTrainLearn in 1995 as a corporate training company in the UK specialising in the 20 skills that people need for professional and personal success today. Since 2002, as part of KSA Training Ltd, ManageTrainLearn has been a major player in the e-learning market. Eric has a simple mission: to turn ManageTrainLearn into the best company in the world for producing and delivering quality online management products. Profile of ManageTrainLearn ManageTrainLearn is one of the top companies on the Internet for management training products, materials, and resources. Products range from training course plans to online courses, manuals to teambuilder exercises, mobile management apps to one-page skill summaries and a whole lot more. Whether you’re a manager, trainer, or learner, you’ll find just what you need at ManageTrainLearn to skyrocket your professional and personal success. http://www.managetrainlearn.com Download free ebooks at bookboon.com 9 Assertiveness What Is Assertiveness? 1 What Is Assertiveness? Although it is a staple of many training and self-development courses, it is not always easy to define Assertiveness. That’s because it has many facets. It is a process, a skill, and a way of behaving. In communicating, it is more easily defined by its absence and its alternative ways of behaving, such as aggression and submission. But Assertiveness is a key quality in all positive and productive relationships and a skill that we should all learn to know better. Here are some of the main ways to define it. 1.1 Dictionary Definitions The dictionary definitions of “assertiveness” have a range of descriptions that don’t quite capture the essence of Assertiveness. You’ll read “dogmatic”, “forthright”, “positive”, “confident” and “insistent”. Don’t be fooled. These are only starting points. Assertiveness is much more than any of these. 1.2 Origins One clue to the meaning of Assertiveness lies in its origins. Assertiveness came to most people’s awareness in the late 20th century in connection with movements such as Civil Rights in America, the women’s movement, and the self- development movement. These were all non-forceful movements and they were all successful in changing the rights of under-privileged groups. 1.3 The Assertive Journey Writer Beverley Hare describes Assertiveness in terms of a journey. Her own personal journey to assertiveness took her from low self-esteem to high self-esteem; from dependence to interdependence; from believing she was unattractive to knowing she was attractive.