BETH EL PURIM SPIEL 2020 Written by: The 8th Grade Emily and Avi: Welcome to our Purim Spiel! Emily: I’m Emily. Avi: And I’m Avi. Emily and Avi: We’re your narrators! Avi: This year’s purim spiel was written by the 8th Grade Class. Emily: So if you don’t get all of the jokes, it’s not you, it’s us. Avi: A few more introductions! Emily: This is the one and only King Ahasuerus, ruler of Persia! King: Oh hey there! Avi: Emily is also playing sassy Queen Vashti! Vashti: Whatever. Avi: Here is the good and righteous Jewish local, Mordechai! Mordechai: Hi everybody! Emily: And his beautiful cousin, Esther! Esther: That’s me! Avi: And finally… when you see this guy or hear his name, you know what to do… heeeeeeeeere’s Haman! Haman: (evil laughter) Emily: Let’s get on with the show! Avi: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away a king called Ahasuerus ruled over the vast Persian empire from India to Ethiopia. His wife Vashti, the queen, lived with him. One day, Vashti threw a banquet for the women of the palace… All the girls: WHOOOOOOO! Avi: While the king threw his own banquet with da bois. All the boys: YEAH! Avi: On the seventh day, the party was starting to die down, and Ahasuerus needed something to keep the fiesta going. This spicer-upper came in the form of the beautiful, outspoken, Queen Vashti. King: Come my loyal agents, bring Queen Vashti wearing her royal crown. So, I may show her off to the homies. (winks) Vashti: My name is. NO. MY SIGN IS NO. NO. NO. NO. King: Come hither my broskis, You know the law. Tell me, has Vashti done wrong? Guard #1: Yes, she disobeyed you. She disobeyed you, causing other women to think it’s okay to disobey their manzz. King: Vashti, you blatantly disobeyed me and embarrassed me in front of my bros. (In a weird accent) i am not ok with that, like no. not ok. Ok? Vashti: Fine! I was leaving anyway. And btw, your broskis smell like cheese. Talk to the hand cuz the face don’t wanna look at that. (gestures to face) (Walk off stage like single lady, humming/singing “Single Ladies”) Avi: And that’s how Ahasuerus became single and ready to mingle. And boy was he ready… (Everyone lines up to be “the women”, backs to the audience) King: I need to get back out there now! Bring in the women! (Everyone turns around at the same time, looking cute! Walks past the King, who dismisses everyone, except Esther) King: Hey…( in deep voice) (Esther puts on her tiara) Esther: OMG I’m Queen now! Emily: Meanwhile, Esther’s cousin Mordechai was sitting on the steps of the palace in front of the front gate. (2 guards with bad Russian accents drinking vodka) Guard #1: Zerish you know the plan, now stop asking questions. Guard #2: Ok! Ok! I’m just checking. first, I put the poison in the king’s vodka and then we slowly, calmly walk out? (pensively) Guard #1: Da that’s what i just said. (exasperation) (They walk away, continuing their patrol) (Mordechai checks to make sure the coast is clear, then finds Esther) Mordechai: Esther dear, the 2 guards, you know the ones I mean, the big guards, the ones with more muscle than brain cells? They are plotting to kill the king. (Esther runs to King!) Esther: Your majesty, your guards are plotting to poison you! King: OMG! Treason! They’re trying to overthrow me! Destroy them! Emily: And so the king was saved! Meanwhile, Haman, the king’s advisor, was walking around outside. Haman: Bow down Mordechai: HECK NO TO THE NO NO NOOOO. Haman: Why? I said something why are you not following my orders. Mordechai: I’m Jewish, I only follow the commands of god. Haman: You’re Jewish??! Mordechai: Yeah! I don’t bow to people. It’s called idolatry! Haman: What??! Mordechai: And your hat is ugly. Good thing we’re going to turn it into a cookie. Haman: (In secret) How can I get my revenge on Mordechai. (Loud tone) HOW DARE HE NOT BOW DOWN. It was because he was Jewish. I’ll just kill all the Jews then. (Evil laugh) How will I kill them? The kingdom stretches from India to Ethiopia, there are a lot of Jews. This is going to be difficult… (Walks to king) Hey buddy can I have a favor? King (playing Candy Crush): Whaddya want? Haman: I would like permission to kill all the Jews. King: You do you, boo. Sam (from behind something): SODA CRUSH! Haman: (distant) Ya the plans are all set up…. even the King said it was fine…. the Jews will be dead and everything will be fine. Avi: What Haman didn't know was that Mordechai happened to be listening to that entire conversation. He immediately started mourning. Mordechai: NOOOO, NOOOO, (more moans) MORDECHAI runs over to ESTHER, who is sitting in her room. MORDECHAI: Esther! Esther, listen! You know the king’s adviser, Haman? He wants to kill all the Jews! This means us, Esther! ​ ​ ESTHER: Oh no! What should we do? What’s gonna happen, cousin? MORDECHAI: I have an idea. Go over to the king and tell him you are Jewish. Then he will call off the event! He will never do anything to hurt you. ESTHER: I can’t believe it isn’t butter! Okay, I will try. (ESTHER runs over to KING) Emily: Esther started working up the courage to talk to the king. Esther: (Approaches King’s hall) ​ King: (waves Esther over) What is it, my queen? I will give you whatever you desire. ​ ​ Gucci Flip flops, Diamond Socks, a Rolex, JoJo Siwa Tesla, Balenciagas that look like socks, matching TRACKSUITS? Esther: If it pleases you, King, will you and Haman please join me for a banquet I have prepared. I’ll ask you at the banquet. King: A banquet?! YEAH! At banquet: King: Now, what is it you want… it’s yours, even if it’s half the kingdom! Esther: If it pleases you and Haman, please come back tomorrow for another banquet and then I will tell you what I want. King: You got it, babe! (Haman and King Ahasuerus arrive at Queen Esther's banquet. ) Esther: Welcome! Have some wine! L’Chaim! King: What is your petition? You promised that you would tell me what it is you wanted, whatever your will, and it shall be granted. Esther: (Hesitantly says) Well, my king, it’s a lil bit funny, but my people and I, our lives are in peril. (The King looked confused and unsure of what she was talking about ) King: So tell me what you want? Whatcha really really want? Esther: I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, i wanna, I wanna, I wanna save my people from being killed because of our religion. If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my people! Save the Jews! King: Whaaaaat?! Who would do such a horrid thing! Who’s the man? I will find them. Ester: He’s sitting right next to you, It’s Haman! (Haman looks at the queen then stares in shock then straight to the king.) Haman: Don’t look at me like that, I would never! Mordechai: (busts in) Yes you did, I heard you! Esther: Cancel the plans! Right, is that okay? King: Yes, nobody kills my wife and her people. Esther: Ha! You’re DONE, Haman! Haman: NOOOOOOO!!!! Mordechai: Esther, you did it! Esther: WE did it! King: Mordechai, I now pronounce your royal advisor. Please accept my sacred Gucci sweatsuit. Mordechai: Sweet! King: And Haman, you’re in a time out. For eternity! (Guards apprehend him) Haman: And I would have gotten away with it too… if it weren’t for you meddling kids! Emily: This is why we celebrate Purim. Honoring the feminist Queen Vashti, the honorable, loyal, Mordechai, and the brave, clever, Queen Esther who saved the Jewish people. EVERYONE: The End! .