University at Buffalo School of Law Digital Commons @ University at Buffalo School of Law The Opinion Newspaper (all issues) The Opinion 4-22-1987 The Opinion Volume 28 Number 1 – April 22, 1987 The Opinion Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.law.buffalo.edu/the_opinion Part of the Higher Education Commons, and the Legal History Commons Recommended Citation The Opinion, "The Opinion Volume 28 Number 1 – April 22, 1987" (1987). The Opinion Newspaper (all issues). 435. https://digitalcommons.law.buffalo.edu/the_opinion/435 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the The Opinion at Digital Commons @ University at Buffalo School of Law. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Opinion Newspaper (all issues) by an authorized administrator of Digital Commons @ University at Buffalo School of Law. For more information, please contact [email protected]. PEOPLE THAT LITIGATE Fundamentalists Take Over UB Law School by Diane Framm ments, labor negotiations and LaSalle. Each graduating senior A group of fundamentalist contracting, and constructing will receive his diploma after law professors, called PTL (for treaties between foreign coun­ being dunked in the cold clear "Praise The Law" or "People tries. waters of the lake and being That Litigate"), has taken over baptized by faith healer/Law the U B Law School. The blood­ ProMssor Lee Albert. less coup began last weekend 5) The faculty will develop a after the splintering of the once Restatement of the Restate­ powerful CLS faction of the UB ment of Contracts based on the Law School. legal premise of "A deal's a "We're tired of all this deat" (none of that reliance abstract crap," cried PTL stuff). spokesman Lou DelCotto. "Stu­ 6) The Law School will host dents should come out of here the evangelical/jurisprudential having learned a trade ... ju-st program, "The Second Coming like those welding schools you of Ken Joyce." The fiery tax pro­ see on TV!" fessor will interpret the new tax PTL leaders Paul Birzon, Al law and heal faulty tax returns. Mugel and Andy Spanogle, 7) Jimmy and Tam111y Bak­ have set forth a list of "com­ ker will be named Co-Deans of mandments" for the Law the Law School. Their duties School: will include alumni fund rais­ 1) A dress code for students. ing, career development and Lee Albert "I have the touch" PTL spokesman Lou Del Cotto. Mandatory wingtips for all stu­ enforcing the dress colle. As a dents. Women will be provided special feature Tammy Bakker PTL has found a loophole in -ommittee will be disbanded. with open-toed wingtips if re­ 3) The daily chanting of re­ will hold a "Make Up Work:_ Title IX. Frank Kush has been All disputes involving grades quested. levant sections of the Uniform shop" for the aspiring lady hired to coach the squad, which will be resolved by bareknuck­ 2) A weekly legal brief as­ Commercial Code. lawyers. Go get 'em gals! has been tentatively named the led boxing matches between signment. Students will be re­ 4) Graduation will be held at 8) The creation of a Divison "Battlin' Barristers." the student/plaintiff and newly sponsible for wills, trust agree- Baird Point ... and in Lake I Law School football team. 9) The Academic Affairs named faculty member Profes­ sor George Foreman. 10) All Law School courses will require a mid term, a final and a fifty page 'paper. If stu­ dent's work is deemed unsatis­ factory by a faculty member, student will be placed in the newly installed "Sweat Box" (located on the roof of the Law School) for ten days. Appeals will be heard by Professor Charles "Chuck" Norris. Deposed CLS leaders expres­ sed shock and dismay at the sudden turn of events. " Slimy and disgusting behavior . .. I'm appalled!" shrieked former As­ sociate Dean Schlegel. "This is not the place to be ... CLS must leave here and go to the Promised Land!" de­ clared Alan "Moses" Freeman. CLS leaders expect a purge by the PTL within a few weeks. In­ siders believe that CLS re­ fugees will attempt to escape by parting the waters of Lake LaSalle. The PTL takeover ap­ pears to have been swift and absolute. Newly appointed Co-deans Jim and Tammy Bakker address the faculty. Blackacre Theme Park to Brighten UB Campus by Milly Graham begun at Parcel Hon the shores land ride best remembered for and the purported remains of • Specialty restaurants and In the wake of its surprise of Lake Lasalle. President Ste­ the phrase "the timorous may Reasonable Man, found at Old­ food booths, including "The takeover of the UB Law School, ven Sample was unavailable for stay at home." avai Gorge last summer by Turkey Trot," run by the Wawa­ PTL (Praise The Law/People comment but sources in the • A hand-cranked cable car famed anthropologist Richard tosa Women's Auxiliary; "Tortes That Litigate) has announced President's office report that , ride entitled "Negligence in the Leakey. The exhibit is heavily is Torts"; and traditional Eng­ plans to turn part of the Am­ Sample is "relieved" to finally Air." guarded due to the extreme lish meat pies from the distin­ herst Campus into a law theme be rid of the parcel. "We can • A ski resort and toboggan fragility ofthe remains. "It's got guished London firm of Sween­ park called "Blackacre." finally stop ma~ng up those run called "The Slippery Slope." a thin skull," said Chief of Secu­ ey, Todd, Dudley and Stephens. Blackacre is the fictional es­ stories about building shop­ • "Taxland," a separate sec­ rity B. Fife. • A r'ide simulating the ex­ tate used in many law school ping malls and apartment com­ tion of shelters clustered • Bands of street performers periences of walking on water. Property classes to illustrate plexes over there every fall and around "Safe Harbour," where will stroll through the park The attraction will not open property interests and estate concentrate on other empty attorneys can ride the Cuba reenacting famous fact patterns until next fall, but booking re­ planning. PTL spokesman 0. promises," Sample is alleged to Railroad, dine on bologna pre­ for the amusement of onlook­ quests are already flooding PTL Wendell Douglas explained the have said. pared by tax expert/master chef ers. Audience participation will offices. "Juvenile Law Profes­ name Blackacre was chosen for Douglas stated that all of the Lou Del Cotto, and thrill to the be encouraged in classics like sor Charles Ewing has outbid the theme park because "there rides, services, and other attrac­ dance interpretations of Fahrid Palsgraf and Garrett (in which everyone for the inaugural is nothing more sacred and fun­ tions at Blackacre would relate es-Sultanah. a boy pulled a chair out from ride," reported Douglas, adding damental to the American legal to areas of law and famous • A museum housing arti­ under an elderly woman). "Per­ that many inquiries have also system than private property. cases. Among the planned facts such as Hawkin's hand; sonal injury is the lynchpin of come from judges and doctors. Besides, Green Acres has been amusements are: the chapati pan wielded by American entertainment, as Enthusiasm over the ride may used." • The Flopper II, a reconstruc­ Camplin; a gas meter; a work­ well as American law," com­ lead to other delusions-of-gran- Construction has already tion of the infamous Coney Is- ing model of a widget factory; mented Douglas. conrinued on page 2P Image in 106: Indira, Kenny or • • • Jesus? by Tipi Canough getting dirtier and d1rt1er, and has been able to come up with University of Buffalo stu- then the guy next to me said, a definite explanation of exactly ' dents and staff members are 'Hey, isn't that Jesus?' " Al- what the marks are or where flocking to Q' Brian Hall to view though this statement would be they came from. what has been described as considered hearsay, there However, the head of UB's "the most remarkable and seems to be a general agree- Maintenance Department has glorious event ever to take ment that the spots on the wall suggested that the spots on the place at the Amherst·Campus." are indeed an image of Jesus wall of room 106 are not a religi- What is presumed to be a like- Christ. ous phenomenon, but are sim- ness of Jesus Christ appeared The markings on the wall of ply "unremarkable seepage," on the front wall of room 106 room 106 vaguely depict a resulting from last year's leak- on Thursday, April 16, and it is robed, bearded man standing ing roof. He speculates that attracting attention from -'a ll w ith arms outstretched. water and dirt, "and God knows over the Buffalo area. However, many witnesses what else" got into the walls by A Miracle are still not completely con- way of the leaky roof, and have Calling it "nothing short of a I vinced that the larger-than-life taken all this time to travel Worshipers patiently wait to view image. miracle," UB President Steven image is at all miraculous. down to the first floor. Having Sample sa id that the recent di- "I thought it looked like nowhere else to go, the dirty has initiated a $5.00 General It is reported that many indi­ vine manifestation is certain to Kenny Rogers," suggested one water seeped out of a super- Public and $3.00 Student ad- viduals are even taking the ele­ bring " oodles" of revenue dol- skeptical student. saturated wall. mission charge. vator to the seventh floor of lars to the University.