Winning Wordsmiths Icons of the 80s This Dog is Fully Dunked Read the winning pieces of the Craccum Catriona Britton puts together her dream Caitlin Abley immerses herself in the greasiest Creative Writing Competition dinner table guest list delights cinema has to offer [1] ISSUE TWENTY-ONE CONTENTS 6 11 NEWS COMMUNITY LIFE IS NOT A GAS RIGHT HAERE RĀ! NOW Farewelling the Māori Party and How a massive cock-up made our all the good it stood for major international airport come to a standstill 12 14 LIFESTYLE FEATURES FLOWER POWER WRITERS AT WORK The many meanings behind The winners and runners-up of some of our favourite flowers our inaugural Creative Writing Competition 30 34 ARTS COLUMNS IT’S ALL RATHER SEARCHING FOR SOULS COMICAL Michael Clark analyses how A look at the two rival comic technology is developing a soul creators New name. Same DNA. ubiq.co.nz 100% Student owned - your store on campus [3] SEDITORIAL EX WEEK 9-13 OCTOBER To find out more about events and activites visit auckland.ac.nz/sexweek [4] EDITORIAL Catriona Britton Samantha Gianotti SEX All the President’s Men Following an election cycle punctuated by res- women, and, it now seems, gave us some all too from us; that even the smallest person can make ignations and leadership roulette, our nation’s prescient insight into the fresh hell that was yet a big change; and star in over two hundred piec- future now in the hands of the country’s crotch- to reach the Oval Office. es of fanfiction on archiveofourown.org, should ety racist grandfather—we’re all feeling pretty you yearn to read lengthy make-out scenes in an thoroughly spent. New Zealand is in a state of 5. Emperor Kuzco from The Owen Wilson drawl. limbo, and not the fun kind where the bar is high Emperor’s New Groove and you shimmy under with ease to the tune of 2. President Thomas Arguably the conduit for David Spade’s best “Witch Doctor”, but the un-fun kind where the J. Whitmore from work, Kuzco is a megalomaniac who yearns for bar is low and you give it your best shot but you Independence Day nothing more than to build Kuzcotopia, his own just wind up with your skirt over your head, a themed retreat and water park (“you’re gonna In the wake of an alien invasion, President Thom- crick in your back and a tiny fart escaping from pay taxes for that pool and waterslide mate” Billy as J. Whitmore clutched a megaphone close and your clenched butt. English cries) atop a neighbouring hillside. How- reassured the world that everything was going In light of the precarious position we find ever, he shows us that one does not need power, to be just fine. As we suffer through a year of ourselves in, we thought we’d turn to pop culture or wealth, or Kuzcotopia—one only needs some neo-Nazi resurgence, the threat of nuclear war, to see how our leaders could be so much better— sweet, sweet hugs from John Goodman (see also and an American President that seems to Matrix and so, so much worse. Monsters, Inc., Monsters University, and the recur- his way out of every scandal, lie and early morn- 7. The Mayor from Jaws ring John-Goodman-as-big-spoon dream we’ve ing tweet, we really just want President Tommy J been having since 2001). to kneel beside our bed each night, kiss us on the While some of our politicians have not always forehead and remind us that the world will go on been sold on the concepts of women’s bodily au- 4. President James Marshall turning. “We’re going to go on,” he says. “We’re tonomy, climate change, or not telling your press from Air Force One going to survive!” he says! “We’re going to make secretary you slept well because you dreamt you out?” we suggest, hopefully. Harrison Ford sternly declared “GET OFF MY were sleeping between her naked legs, old mate PLANE” before killing Russian-terrorist Gary in Steven Spielberg’s seafaring romp took a se- 1. Queen Clarisse from The Oldman and casting his lifeless body into the rious amount of convincing by way of severed Princess Diaries WEEK cold, dark night. If that ain’t a perfect metaphor limbs before he was ready to admit that keeping for National tossing their bosom buddy David While Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi the beach open so as not to ruin the Fourth of Seymour to the wayside, we don’t know what is. is a fine leader in her own right, she's not a lick July weekend was really, really fucking dumb. on her grandma. Now more than ever, we need Not wanting to spoil people’s fun leaves you with 9-13 OCTOBER 3. Steve Coogan and Owen Julie Andrews, wearing a matching silk pajama blood on your hands, terror on your beaches, and Wilson from Night at the set, to surf on a mattress into the middle of our feverish, outdated Macarena-ing on your Nation- Museum democracy and sing a duet about loving yourself al Party campaign bus. with Raven-Symoné. We already know the words Old mates Octavius and Jedediah aren’t strict- to the Genovian national anthem. We’re prepped 6. Billy Bob Thornton in Love ly portrayed as leaders in the greatest trilogy of and primed and ready to go. ◆ Actually all time (Francis Ford Coppola whom?); how- ever, they are the vocal representatives of their BBT’s fictional president doesn’t even get a name respective dioramas and who are we to say that EDITORS’ NOTE: UNFORTUNATELY, SELINA TUSITA- and honestly GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE LA-MARSH DID NOT GET BACK TO US WITH HER WIN- such a position wasn’t wrought by a free and fair NERS FOR THE POETRY CATEGORY OF OUR CREATIVE To find out more about because this Yank is a prized piece of shit. He WRITING COMPETITION, AS SHE IS NO DOUBT BUSY democratic vote? These little dudes show us the WITH HER ROLE AS OUR COUNTRY’S NEWEST POET LAU- reneges on agreements, makes moves on young REATE. SO, WE TWISTED AN EDITOR’S DAD’S ARM TO DO events and activites visit value of working together with those different THE JUDGING INSTEAD—AND YES, HE IS A POET AND HE KNOWS IT. auckland.ac.nz/sexweek [5] NEWS “TOP” Of The Food Chain? MICHAEL CALDERWOOD ANALYSES THE TRAGEDY OF THE OPPORTUNITIES PARTY Universal basic income for young people. He has a think tank. He’s really rich. Who maximize productivity or that LGBT rights Higher taxes on property investors. Canna- knows, maybe Gareth Morgan is smarter than would have a positive cost-benefit ratio. bis legalisation. Climate action. Fairer rules all of us and knows how to solve our problems. The housing crisis, for example, is not just for tenants. Prison reform. The Opportu- But that is not how politics should work. an issue of our Government not having the nities Party had some innovative policies The solutions to the climate crisis, hous- right policy solutions. at the election that offered solutions to the ing crisis, poverty, inequality, student debt It’s an issue of power, and the tenants in problems facing New Zealand. However, and overflowing prisons won’t come from a damp, mouldy flats and the young people look- they secured just 2% of the vote (after Gareth smart millionaire who claims to have all the ing to buy their first home don’t have much pow- Morgan spent $3 million on the campaign), answers. We will solve these crises through er. Progressive change has always come from the far below the 5% threshold to win seats. democracy, not technocracy. powerless challenging those in power—never So why didn’t these policies tempt voters All of the positive social change that we from the powerful deciding to change things out to give TOP their party vote? have seen over the past century—whether it of the goodness of their hearts. The answer is that people don’t want is the welfare state, workers’ rights, women’s That is why TOP, Gareth Morgan, and some rich saviour who claims to have all the rights, LGBT rights, decolonisation, the fall anyone else who claims to be able to solve answers to solve our problems. of apartheid, and so on—came from people our problems by just doing quote-on-quote During the The Spinoff’s election debate, fighting for what was right. It was not the “what works” cannot win over many voters. Gareth Morgan conceded that he thought most benevolence of politicians that gave us these Unless you're willing to challenge the power- voters were stupid. He obviously sees himself as achievements, nor was it thanks to a tech- ful, your solutions will be meaningless to the smarter than everyone else. He’s an economist. nocrat deciding that workers’ rights would majority of people. ◆ Auckland Experiences Fuel Crisis BY JARROD FREELAND Auckland experienced a serious fuel crisis af- pacity. However, fuel tankers still remain on that pipeline and why." ter a pipeline failure in Ruakaka spilled over the road to supply adequate fuel to Auckland Prime Minister Bill English, in a press 80,000 litres of jet fuel, prompting workmen Airport. conference calling upon Auckland motorists to shut its flow down entirely. Northland Regional Council is currently to avoid “panic buying” and needlessly stock- Throughout the past month, hundreds investigating what caused the breach, which piling fuel, confirmed the Government re- of flights operating out of Auckland Air- may have been the result of damage sustained ceived warning that Auckland’s fuel supplies port, both domestic and international, have up to several months beforehand.