Chapter 5 Notes and Lecture I. WAYS OF CONCEPTUALIZING LOVE Love is about deep, abiding feelings; lust is about sexual desire; and infatuation is about emotional feelings based on little actual exposure to the love object. A. LOVE STYLES 1. Ludus: love is a game whereby a ludic individual juggles several partners and never sees one partner too often. 2. Pragma: logical and rational. Pragma lovers assess their partners on the be of assets and liabilities. 3. Eros: passion and romance—the most common love style of college students. 4. Mania: possessive, dependent, and ―must have‖ the beloved—a stalker’s love style. 5. Storge: calm, soothing, nonsexual love as between persons long married. 6. Agape: selfless giving love similar to love between parent and child. B. ROMANTIC VERSUS REALISTIC LOVE Romantic love is characterized by love at first sight and willingness to marry after only a short time with men showing greater belief in these than women. Couples married two years who fell in love at first sight were just as happy as those who fell in love slowly. Similarly, those married over 25 years have similar relationship quality whether or not they fell in love at first sight. Realistic love, also known as conjugal or married love, is characterized by companionship, calmness, comfort, and security. C. TRIANGULAR VIEW OF LOVE Love conceptualized as elements of intimacy, passion, and commitment. The various types include nonlove, liking, infatuation, romantic love, conjugal love, fatuous love, empty love, and consummate love. II. LOVE IN SOCIAL AND HISTORICAL CONTEXT A. SOCIAL CONTROL OF LOVE Arranged marriage, which occurs in 40 percent of the world’s population, is the ultimate example of the social control of love. Marriage choice is also under social control of parents and peers as evidenced by 95% of all spouses are of the same race. B. LOVE IN MEDIEVAL EUROPE – FROM ECONOMICS TO ROMANCE In the 1100s, love feelings were irrelevant to marriage since marriage was seen as political alliance between families. Love (spiritual and romantic) was between two individuals who were not married (two singles, two marrieds, same sex individuals). After French Revolution of 1789, marriage became less of a political and business arrangement (no longer did aristocratic families hold power; it was transferred to individuals through parliaments or other national bodies) and more of a mutually desired emotional union between spouses; love provided emotional glue to bond people together for marriage. C. LOVE IN COLONIAL AMERICA Marriage was regarded as a business arrangement between the fathers of the respective families. An interested suitor would approach the father of the girl to express his desire to court his daughter. The girl’s father would pay the boy’s father a dowry to entice the boy to marry his daughter so that he (the father) and his family could avoid her being stigmatized. III. HOW LOVE DEVELOPS IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP A. SOCIAL CONDITIONS FOR LOVE Love is a social label given to an internal feeling. U.S. society promotes love through popular music, movies, television, and novels. These media convey the message that love is an experience to pursue, enjoy and maintain. B. BODY TYPE CONDITION FOR LOVE The probability of being involved in a love relationship is influenced by approximating the cultural ideal of physical appearance. Data from a nationally representative sample of 5487 black, white, and Hispanic adolescent females revealed that for each one point increase in body mass index (BMI), the probability of involvement in a romantic relationship dropped by 6% C. PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITIONS FOR LOVE 1. Self-esteem is also important for developing healthy love relationships because it enables individuals to feel worthy of being loved. Feeling good about yourself allows you to believe that others are capable of loving you. Low self-concept causes one to question if others can love him/her. 2. Self-disclosure: disclosing oneself to another is a way of investing in another. People, who do not disclose limit their investment in a relationship, which decreases the probability that they will fall in love. Americans have been found to be more disclosing than the Japanese. D. PHYSIOLOGICAL AND COGNITIVE CONDITIONS FOR LOVE Being physiologically anxious or aroused and interpreting this feeling as love allows the individual to define himself or herself as being in love. Cognitive functioning is necessary for love. Persons who have had front part of their brain removed (e.g. due to cancer) are incapable of love. IV. JEALOUSY IN RELATIONSHIPS Jealousy can be defined as an emotional response to a perceived or real threat to a valued relationship. People experiencing jealousy fear being abandoned and feel anger toward the partner or the perceived competition. ―Jealousy is an adaptive emotion, forged over millions of years. It evolved as a primary defense against threats of infidelity and abandonment ― A. TYPES OF JEALOUSY 1. Reactive jealousy—feelings that result (react) to something the partner is doing (e.g. talking with an ex partner). 2. Anxious jealousy—is obsessive ruminations about the partner’s alleged infidelity make one’s life a miserable emotional torment. 3. Possessive jealousy—attacking the partner or the object of the partner’s affection B. CAUSES OF JEALOUSY 1. External Causes: behaviors a partner engages in that are interpreted as an emotional and/or sexual interest in someone (or something) else, or a lack of emotional and/or sexual interest in the primary partner. 2. Internal Causes: feelings of mistrust, low self-esteem, anxiety, lack of perceived alternatives, and insecurity—individuals who had been in relationships for a shorter time, who were in less committed relationships, and who were less satisfied with their relationships were more likely to be jealous. C. CONSEQUENCES OF JEALOUSY 1. Desirable outcomes. Communicating to the partner that extra-partner romantic/sexual involvements are not acceptable, solidify commitment to partner. 2. Undesirable Outcomes. A partner can tire of repeated unwarranted accusations and end the relationship; other outcomes may include stalking, suicide, murder. V. CULTURAL ASPECTS OF MATE SELECTION Individuals are not free to select their own mate but experience enormous parent and peer pressure to date and marry persons with specific physical (e.g. race) and social characteristics. A. ENDOGAMY Cultural expectation to select a marriage partner from within one’s own social group, such as in the same race, religion, or social class. B. EXOGAMY Cultural expectation to marry outside one’s own family group. In no society are children permitted to marry the parent of the other sex. In the United States siblings and (in some states) first cousins are prohibited from marrying each other. VI. SOCIOLOGICAL FACTORS OPERATIVE IN MATE SELECTION A. HOMOGAMY We tend to be attracted to and become involved with those who are similar to ourselves in such characteristics as age, race, religion, and social class. 1. Race. 2. Age. 3. Educational homogamy. 4. Open-Mindedness. 5. Social class. 6. Physical Appearance. 7. Marital status. 8. Religion/spirituality. 9. Attachment. 10. Personality. 11. Economic values, money management and debt. VII. PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTORS OPERATIVE IN MATE SELECTION A. COMPLEMENTARY—NEEDS THEORY We tend to select mates whose needs are opposite and complementary to our own. Partners can also be drawn to each other on the basis of nurturance versus receptivity. B. EXCHANGE THEORY Emphasizes that mate selection is based on assessing who offers the greatest rewards at the lowest cost. Persons select those with the greatest rewards (financially independent, attractive) who have the fewest costs (doesn’t nag, take drugs) for the greatest profit (rewards exceed cost) so as to avoid a loss. Individuals also compare their profit with a particular person with others available to them. Principle of least interest—the person with the least interest in continuing a relationship can control the relationship. C. PARENTAL CHARACTERISTICS Freud emphasized that persons select a mate similar to the parent of the opposite sex. D. DESIRED PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS FOR A POTENTIAL MATE Both women and men seek person who is warm, kind, open, and has a sense of humor. Intrinsic personality characteristics more important than extrinsic characteristics of wealth and physical attractiveness. E. PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS OF PARTNERS TO AVOID Researchers have identified several personality factors predictive of relationships that either do not endure or are unfulfilling, including: narcissism, disagreeable/low positives, poor impulse control, hypersensitivity to perceived criticism, inflated egos, insecurity, and controlled by parents. VIII. SOCIOBIOLOGICAL FACTORS OPERATIVE IN MATE SELECTION A. DEFINITION OF SOCIOBIOLOGY Sociobiology suggests a biological basis for social behavior - including mate selection; men and women select each other on the basis of their innate concern for producing offspring most capable of surviving. B. CRITICISMS OF THE SOCIOBIOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE Critics argue that women may show concern for the earning capacity of men because women have been systematically denied access to similar economic resources, and selecting a mate with these resources is one of their remaining options. IX. ENGAGEMENT Engagement is a time in which the partners are emotionally committed, are sexually monogamous, and are focused on wedding preparations. A. ASKING SPECIFIC QUESTIONS The Involved Couple’s Inventory is designed to help individuals in committed relationships learn more about each other by asking specific questions. B. VISITING YOUR PARTNER'S PARENTS When visiting your partner’s parents, observe their standard of living and the way they interact and relate. C. PREMARITAL EDUCATION PROGRAMS Formal systematized experiences designed to provide information to individuals and to couples about how to have a good relationship. D. PRENUPTUAL AGREEMENT The primary purpose is to specify how property will be divided if the marriage ends in divorce or when it ends by the death of one partner. X. MARRYING FOR THE WRONG REASON A.