I didn’t know much about this mysterious winter illness I’d heard adults describe—but it sure sounded promising. ) Childhood . Childhood y l i m a f g n i r u e h c S e h t y s e t r Memories u Memories o c o t o h P ooff CCaabbiinn ( FFeevveerr Story By Joe McFarland In the margins of my mathemat - hen I was a boy I dreamed ics assignments of catching cabin fever, for I calculated the the usual reasons. Being high volume of Is cabin fever sick meant skipping school, presents and contagious? which meant, to reiterate, cards which WW Could a boy not being in school. would be If cabin fever could be my ticket brought to my catch it by home, I wanted to catch it. house. The standing outdoors Although I later came to greatly value good people of without a coat? education, I recall much of my studies in my community would spare the fourth grade were spent dreaming of nothing for the boy with cabin fever. alternatives. Whatever cabin fever I could spend the day opening cards, Reports of my condition would be a was—and it wasn’t clear to me if cabin glancing at the encouraging and sup - local bombshell. fever could legitimately be acquired in a portive words, then adding yet another “He’s got the cabin fever,” I imagined house that wasn’t built of logs—I was crisp bill to the stack on my bed. concerned neighbors whispering as they convinced cabin fever would be the There would be no homework. Ice crunched past my house on snow-cov - ideal excused absence. cream would be offered hourly. Expen - ered sidewalks. “It’s that little McFarland Yet adults were vague about sive model trucks and bulldozers would boy. They say he can’t go to school for specifics; so I had to eavesdrop. fill my bedroom. For weeks, nothing weeks.” As far as I managed to piece together, related to effort would be expected of Inside, I would be reading comic this thing called cabin fever was one of the boy with cabin fever. books, sipping sugary drinks through those medical conditions people acquired, Total scholastic immunity would be one of those flexible straws. My class - then lost, between December and Febru - mine. mates would be memorizing regular and ary, apparently without lasting harm. So I began to dream of cabin fever in irregular verbs, reciting synonyms and I liked the idea of that. early November, opening my collar at the antonyms under the glare of academic The best part, I assumed, was the bus stop as the chill of winter spread scrutiny. fact victims got to stay home from across Illinois. I kept company with runny Once a week, a doctor would arrive at school for weeks at a time— weeks , noses and unhealthy habits. My imagina - the house, put his hand on my forehead mind you. tion invented tragic scenes of the while also listening to my heart, then turn impending neighborhood commotion. to my parents with a grave expression. 16 / Outdoor Illinois December 2006 Long winter days are the perfect time to enjoy of cabin fever, having outgrown the per - the benefits of cabin fever. fectly good desire to stay at home and read comic books every day. Yet I still couldn’t wait to catch this thing called feel cheated. The doctor with the auto - cabin fever. But I had a major problem: graphed football never showed up. I had no idea how to catch cabin fever. Neighbors never sent cards. No money. The vulnerabilities were never specified I ended up, despite my best efforts, by adults. Everybody always spoke of attending school and learning a great the illness in providential tones, as if the deal about prepositions, Dr. Jonas Salk, thing were an inescapable doom, or an the Industrial Revolution and John Deere, unlucky number that pops up randomly the man who invented the self-cleaning in the darkest days of cold weather steel plow. I wrote a book report about and grips only chosen victims. the life of Herbert Hoover. ( P h Could I catch it myself? In Illi - But cabin fever remains a medical o t o c o nois? I was determined. mystery. As each winter passes, I duti - u r t e s y Maybe a dusting of snow down fully head to work each day with my col - t h e H the neck would do the trick. I made lar loosened and coat unbuttoned, even . J . a n reckless snow angels in the deep - in the coldest, most virulent wind. Delib - d R i c h est drifts, buttons and zippers erately, I shun orange juice and thera - a r d A wildly unfastened. I was deter - peutic lozenges—anything which might n d r e w mined to catch cabin fever. My discourage cabin fever infection. s f a m boldest theory was to remove the Yet I am luckless. Cabin fever still i l y . ) plastic bags my mother would wrap eludes me. “May I be frank with you?” the doctor around my socks before stuffing my feet Therefore I’ve decided to advance to would ask before gathering the stetho - into winter boots. The bags, I suspect - my next medical hope, a different strain scope and pressing everything into his ed, prevented the agents of cabin fever of seasonal illness known as spring medical bag. “It’ll be another 75 weeks. from permeating the socks and entering fever. I have been told by credible That is, if there’s going to be any chance the bloodstream. sources it can be caught by merely of recovery. My mother probably knew this, as did walking outdoors on a perfectly beauti - “Rough water ahead. But he’ll make all mothers everywhere. Cabin fever, ful day in April, which is something it.” like an invisible germ, probably attacks I crave anyway, especially after a long Then he’d pull my parents into the with stealth. I concluded it was a nation - winter of sitting indoors, dreaming of corner of the bedroom. al secret no child was ever told. cabin fever. “It’s progressed into the follicles,” the Several winters passed and I was doctor would whisper to my parents, unable to contract cabin fever. whose faces suddenly would turn Along the way, I successfully ashen. The doctor would offer my moth - induced hundreds of runny noses er a sterile handkerchief. and I even threw up once without “Listen,” he would say suddenly, as if trying. I got something called the the most critical point were ahead. “Do mumps. But no cabin fever. My not let this boy go to school. Under any closest brush with extended relief circumstances.” from school was the day I woke up My father would shake the doctor’s with laryngitis—the real deal, just hand bravely and reassure him there like in the comic books. It was would be no school. tremendous. “That’s the most important thing One day later, it passed. ) . y l i m right now,” the doctor would say, then “Here’s your lunch box, a f s w kiddo,” my mother said on the e start to leave. r d n third day, two days after the A “Oh.” He would stop himself at the a i l y L laryngitis came and went. / half-opened door. “I’ve got this auto - m u r t s My tragic childhood ended m graphed football from the Chicago l A . H Bears. Mr. Halas wanted the boy to eventually. I no longer dream . B e h have it. Everybody on the team was t y s e t r crushed when they heard the news.” In the end, cabin fever remains u o c o t As winter progressed, I absolutely o a medical mystery best left to the imagination. h P ( December 2006 Outdoor Illinois / 17.