100 DAYS Dying to Tell His Story Nancy Herzog Walker 100 Days | Dying to Tell His Story by Nancy Herzog Walker www.nancyherzogwalker.com Copyright © 2019 Nancy Herzog Walker All rights reserved. ISBN: 978-1-948404-84-6 Paintings: Deborah Herzog Alexander Book Design: Nancy Herzog Walker & Joni Godlove For my family the memory of my grandmother JANE MENEFEE SCHUTT who, with my father, heard God’s call my mother PATRICIA SCHUTT HERZOG POFFEL whose life and love enables ours my sisters DEBORAH HERZOG ALEXANDER who is the echo of our father’s spirit REBECCA HERZOG LAYMAN who is the light of our father’s love the memory of my brother ROBERT DUNCAN HERZOG, JR. who, with our father, lives eternal my husband RONALD ELIJAH WALKER who walks beside me in Christ my daughter SAVANNAH MARIE WALKER who is the future of her grandfather’s faith A Prayer attributed to St. Francis Lord, make us instruments of your peace. Where there is hatred, let us sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen. Meant to be shared During my father’s last days, he was still trying to give away his materials, sermons, and teachings on death and dying. Unbeknownst to my family at the time, he gave a final manila folder that contained his favorite materials to one of his hospice nurses. She took it home and tucked it away. Almost ten years later, the package showed up in my mailbox as I was finishing this book. As I opened the folder, my father’s familiar handwriting was scrawled across a Post-It note: Thank you for your willingness to accept this packet—materials, journals, etc. with death & dying theme. Please feel free to use, accept, or whatever—as God chooses. With his blessing! If you are reading this, the materials have found you. I invite you to join me in Dad’s dying quest to share the Good News. Passed on with love to: NAME DATE Passed on with love to: NAME DATE Passed on with love to: NAME DATE Passed on with love to: NAME DATE Passed on with love to: NAME DATE On an ordinary day in 2001, I stood up from my desk at That day continued in the usual way but the experi- work and walked toward the phone. In that instant ence was so mysterious that I continued to ponder its something deep inside awakened me to a sudden cer- meaning. The gnawing thoughts moved me to buy tainty about something I didn’t understand. It was a books on publishing and to comb through articles on short but arresting sensation like none other—a pro- the topic of death. But every effort to advance what found knowing that I would write a book about heaven. seemed undeniable was awkward and fruitless, and it And that was the only understanding I was given. It was not long before my efforts and the memory of the came from nowhere, or so I thought, and nothing about incident faded. it made sense. Seven years later, in 2008, my father died. As I strug- I stood in the silence of my office and I wondered gled to understand all that I had witnessed during my what had just happened to me. How could such a father’s dying days, the memory of the phenomenon strong thought about something that had no connec- I had experienced years before returned to me. tion to anything in my life interrupt me so blatantly? And I began to write. 100 DAYS | DYING TO TELL HIS STORY Contents Introduction 13 27 The program 69 1 Something's not right 17 28 Elisabeth Kübler-Ross 71 2 An Eagle Scout 19 29 Five Wishes 73 3 The call at Publix 21 30 Concerning Christian burial 75 4 Dachau 23 31 Goodbye, my friend 77 5 Ruach 25 32 The coffin in the garage 79 6 Packing the parachute 27 33 “You will know me in each other” 81 7 “I’m going to be glowing soon” 29 34 “You don’t have to go to church anymore” 83 8 A middle school art teacher 31 35 The call to hospice 85 9 “Everyone should have an experience like this!” 33 36 “Bingo!” 87 10 Ordained a priest 35 37 The waiting room 89 11 Planning the garden 37 38 The Spritzer 91 12 Funerals at Arlington 39 39 The road map 93 13 “Can’t go around it, have to go through it” 41 40 “Jesus is alive!” 95 14 The Washington National Cathedral 43 41 Planting seeds for spring 97 15 The laptop 45 42 “Let go and let God” 99 16 The march at Selma 47 43 An eagle Christian 101 17 “I won’t need my clothes” 49 44 On the back of the painting 103 18 Thunderstorms on the porch 51 45 Planning the service 105 19 Making lists 53 46 He left the church doors open 107 20 Under the dining room table 55 47 The last Easter 109 21 Final paintings 57 48 Mi-Mi dies 111 22 Baptizing 59 49 Without end 113 23 The Last Supper 61 50 Dead leaves 115 24 “Yes, no, and not now” 63 51 The house blessing 117 25 “Death and dying are not strange to me” 65 52 Upon birth 119 26 “God reminds us who’s really in charge” 67 53 Faith 121 54 Initiation through baptism 123 81 “The lord be with you” 177 125 55 A glad heart 82 And then there were two 179 56 I do 127 83 Crab cakes 181 57 The urn 129 84 Chapters 183 58 Better than donuts 131 59 Father’s Day 133 85 Just five words 185 60 His 70th birthday gift 135 86 11.11.11 187 61 The building tour 137 87 Doris brings communion 189 62 “Shalom Shalom” 139 88 26 days 191 63 The last sunset 141 64 Song for Bob 143 89 “I don’t expect to be back tomorrow” 193 65 “I see Jesus and his disciples” 145 90 The pillow project 195 66 Get close to death 147 91 The last night 197 67 “If you could see what I see” 149 92 Rob’s ashes 199 68 Through Joy’s eyes 151 69 “Rob’s coming” 153 93 “I can see you; do you see me?” 201 70 Henri Nouwen 155 94 Some kind of sign 203 71 “You have to trust!” 157 95 The funeral service 205 72 The tree 159 96 The remnant 207 73 “I’m thinking about my lasts” 161 74 The Pop-Pop doll 163 97 The stoles 209 75 Dying at home 165 98 The rosemary 211 76 The secret 167 99 Lunch on the Severn, my treat! 213 77 The dress rehearsal 169 100 The beginning 215 78 A sidewalk art show 171 216 79 “People are more than they think” 173 Resources 80 A tribute to Betsey 175 Acknowledgments 218 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. E CCLESIASTES 3:1–2 NLV 100 DAYS | DYING TO TELL HIS STORY Introduction As we are born unto this life, each of us will surely die. As I read through the pages, the 100 days flashed be- We learn this early on, but our Western culture’s fixation fore me. Here was the honesty of everyday life that lived on the body at the end of life does little to prepare and alongside the unwritten sacredness of death. And I nourish our souls. Not unlike others, I had experienced yearned to tell the story. the death of grandparents and acquaintances early in life. As weeks passed, a list of vibrant memories turned into I’d endured the feelings of sadness and grief but was able a hunger to understand more fully all that my family to return to the normalcy of living and to leave the dark- and I had witnessed. I wanted to connect the dots of my ness of death behind. Dad’s death was different for me— father’s life, from his call to the priesthood, to his passion my father was also an Episcopal priest. for death and dying, to his steadfast faith as he bravely Prior to Dad’s death, I could separate his role as my par- surrendered his life to God. ent from his occupation, but his dying blurred boundaries On the five-year anniversary of his death, I began to for me and took me where I did not want to go. And so write. The journey to portray my father’s legacy would began the season of Dad leading me through death as he prove to be as mysterious and arduous as the topic of had life, by the grace of God, who makes all things new. death itself. It would take another five years to process In 2008, the melanoma the doctors had removed two the ache “out loud” that has been embedded in my being.