The Worst in Collegiate Journalism Since 1982 THE KOALA V OLUME 79, ISSUE 2 “This cover is a joke, unless you believe in Jesus” Palin 2012! MY KINGDOM FOR SOME What college does this go to? WHORES You know you’re a Koala editor when you were hoping that McCain/Palin had won the election just so we could have all of the awesome parody porn with milf look-a-likes (such as the one we review). Since we elected some terrorist as a President I should probably be talking about how historically significant blah blah blah who fucking cares? You don’t. You’re reading the Koala for fuck’s sake. I’m going to talk about something YOU care about: Partying and why you shouldn’t transfer to UCSB. After spending 4 days wallowing in my own drunken vomit in the party haven known as Santa Barbara, I’ve come to a stark and probably uncommon epiphany: I actually really like UCSD. Yeah, you read that right, I just said I prefer UCSD to a school like UCSB. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely a fan of spending 4 days with my cock in something moist that isn’t your girlfriend, steel-belting my liver with as much alcohol as most people drink in a year, but there’s something to be said about our little microcosm of microphalluses. send your submissions to [email protected] The average Koala is basically at home in a place like Santa Barbara. The girls have more STDs than you do, they pretend like they’re pretty smart because they got into a UC, and drinking is more important than breathing or dignity. Basically, the most degrading shit I could possibly do to some slut in SB is the tip of the iceberg; they consider it part of a loving, caring relationship. I can fuck them in a closet and never call them again and it’s completely normal... Hell they might even join me for a burrito at FREEB!RDS later the following day, provided I don’t get too clingy and look them in the eye or anything. This much is obvious, so why would I prefer UCSD? Well, if you haven’t read the K before, we’re basically a bunch of attention-starved children. We want to do ridiculous things with absolute impunity, we believe we’re invicible, and really it’s sort of cute that we’re so stupid because it’s apparent we don’t understand consequences butyou know what? It’s not that cute if EVERYONE else is like that. Sure, we’re fucking hilarious but it’s about relative distinction, not objective value. You got so drunk you shit in all 4 pockets of someone’s pool table? Big deal. You fucked 3 girls in one night? Call us when you’ve fucked 5. You wrote“I HIDE MY FAT BELLY WITH THESE UGLY BAGGY SHIRTS AND GIVE TERRIBLE HEAD” on your girlfriend’s forehead in henna yet convinced her not to dump you? So did the entire soccer team. You’re nothing special in SB until you actually graduate with a degree in something other than communications or psychology or manage to maintain a normal sex life without contracting a hitherto-unstudied STD. Now THAT’S fucking impressive. THAT’S contradicting popular stereotypes. The Cabinet At UCSD? It’s easy, don’t be retardedly obsessed with the fact that you’re a minority, know how to shotgun a beer, tap a keg, and make a gravity bong and you’re a fucking god. It helps to venture out of your dorm room for something more than your engineering society meeting, too (and you thought you could get out of it by googling? Typical). Plus, if you want some dumb drunk slut you just have to take the 5 south to the 8 east and exit College. Ask for “SDSU” close your eyes, drop your pants and start poking. You’ll either penetrate some coked out frat boy or a similarly intoxicated female and you’ll get all the STDs you could hope for and none of the intellectual conversation that you’ll ironically also never get at UCSD because despite being “nerds” all the girls here are fucking idiots. How’s that for irony? Turns out being a “nerd” is just a euphemism for being a girlfriendless virgin asian kid or a vapid pre-med slut looking for some dick. Who knew? Commander-in-Queef Kris John Gregorian Sincerely, Kris Gregorian Editor-in-Queef Coat-Tail Riding Sycophants The Motherfucking Koala Boss DJ, Bitch ‘Tacular, Freddie Five Fingers “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds Wide-Eyed Interns Waiting To Suck Me Off allocated by the ASUCSD. However, the views expressed in this pub- Wes (Pocket Brad), Ricky Ricardo, Short Bus Gus, Da- lication are solely those of THE KOALA, its principal members and vid the Carpenter, Frankie Nine Inch, Jackson Hole, the authors of the content of the publication. While the publisher if this publication is a registered student organization at UC San SamSkillz, Alex the Photographer SDSU Koala Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by THE KO- ALA are not endorsed by and do not represent Electoral College the views, opinions, policies, or positions of Davey G, Stevie Why, B-Rad, the L-Word, MamaPimp, the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, UC San Diego, the Sours, Milk, E-Dogg, Jer, T-Bone, Barton, Marcus, University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees or agents. Paula K., Eugene, Dirty, Moximo, Aaron The principal members of each Stu- dent Media bear and assume full responsibility and liability for the Ron “GOOGLE ME ALREADY” Paul content of their publication.” Nicholle Pierro Why do you smell like meat farts? Peek- Obama! A whole lot of nothin. Wait, I thought the question was, “How will the new administration be different?” not what this space is. paper bag. reading it that they will never ever get back Top 5 Reasons Vote for Obama 2. The shit stain in his pants isn’t from and could have instead used more prudently, 1. Once we go black we can never go back. drinking. haha I said prune, by enjoying a nice hot 2. Too mainstream, I only vote for 3. Your shopping cart has make shift holders tea or taking a walk with someone they underground peeps. for scented candles. love but aren’t in love with and have been 3. Giving black youth a positive role model 4. Tries to sleep huddled together even when meaning to fuck in order to make a master sounds like the recipe for profit loss. it’s warm out. race of unfunny fuckers like themselves who 4. Creating jobs involves being able to keep 5. Haven’t showered in weeks but your will continue this list entry long after your one. asshole is shaved and bleached. retarded ass is dead and so on and so on for 5. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it! Or at least eons ad infinitum until kittens become cats don’t let a black guy fix it. Top 5 Signs You’re the Creeper of the and cats make more kittens. Party 5. Call my parents and tell them I’m quitting Top 5 Reasons White Men Didn’t Vote for 1. You Roofie all the guys’ drinks too, just in college. Obama case. 1. Superior Aryan stock has no need for 2. You bring an XL bottle of astro glide along Top 5 Signs That Bum Used to be a Stock healthcare. just in case things get dry when she passes Broker 2. He looks like that guy your wife was out. 1. Insists he’s wearing a bluetooth when fucking. 3. You bring floor plans of the house so there caught talking to himself. 3. Affirmative action got him into a better law is no where to hide. 2. To bolster investment, he spreads a school than you. 4. You’re only alone because your girlfriend speculative rumor that his turds are made of 4. Don’t need Change because they always from Preuss was busy tonight. gold. use plastic. 5. The manager of Chucky Cheese has asked 3. Instead of change, begs for Park Avenue 5. Wait... that is the guy my wife was fucking. you to leave the ball pit three times. for his new investment in McDonalds Monopoly. Top 5 Anti-Prop 8 Talking Points or Top 5 17th Century Game Shows 4. Enraged Etrade won’t accept 9 dollar Slogans 1. Family Plus your Slaves Feud trading fee in nickels. 1. Can we just stick to the issues and not 2. The $100,000 Triangle Trade 5. Pan handling in Chinatown is referred to as worry about why I’m wearing ruby slippers? 3. The Arranged Dating Game “exploring the global market.” 2. Yeah, but we want to be spiritually butt- 4. Wheel of Torture stuck together too. 5. Who Wants to be a heretic for knowing the Can you write lists 3. I only get off on gay adulterous sex and correct answers to these questions? better than these? Then they don’t even have a section for that in the come to a fucking video store. Top 5 Reasons to Read the Guardian 4. We’re getting fucked pretty rough on this 1. Need to make sure they printed your meeting! one and this is coming from a man who takes classified ad.