THE NEWS CLOWN A NOVEL BY THOR GARCIA n EQUUS © Thor Garcia, 2012 ISBN 978-0-9571213-2-4 Equus Press Birkbeck College (William Rowe), 43 Gordon Square, London, WC1 H0PD, United Kingdom Typeset by lazarus Cover design by Ned Kash Printed in the Czech Republic by PB Tisk All rights reserved . Composed in Aldus, designed by Hermann Zapf (1954), named for the fifteenth- century Venetian printer Aldus Manutius. AUTHOR’S NOTE: The characters and situations in this work are wholly fictional and imaginary and do not portray, and are not intended to portray, any actual persons or parties. Any similarity to actual persons or events is coincidental, and no reference to the present day is intended or should be inferred. In Memory Elizabeth Bennett (1968 - 1993) Michael J. Gallant (1955 - 2005) THE NEWS CLOWN 1. Page 11 SHOCK CLAIM: Clown Says ‘I’m The Greatest!’ THOR declares his intention to explode “journalism” at its core, bringing the city to its knees in a rain of shame & indictments. He explains his work at CITIES NEWS SERVICES, covering BAY CITY’S crime & mayhem, his duty to bear witness. Introduction to the NEWS EDITOR KATE UHLI & the founding editor, DICK (10 news articles) TRIMBLES. 2. Page 24 LOADED: Clown Boards Midnight Train to Oblivion! THOR & JERRY visit CANDACE & HEATHER’S apartment. JERRY tells a story about an affair involving CANDACE & HEATHER’S mother & their family being threatened by the Russian mafia. HUGH arrives, everyone gets loaded & goes to play pool. Back at the apartment, THOR shares an intimacy with HEATHER, after which (1 news article) she tells him to leave. Page 34 3. ANIMALS! Young Girl Shot by Vicious Thugs THOR covers the shooting death of a nine-year-old girl, whose cousin spits at him when he tries to ask questions. Introduction to the CHIEF EDITOR ROB SERNATH & fellow reporters RICHIE – who routinely mocks THOR & his pretensions – & (7 news articles) TOMMY-G, who seems to be an albino. Page 48 4. CURVEBALL: Gal Pal’s Baseball Delight! THOR goes to a Cuban restaurant & a baseball bar with KATE, who talks about stories she covered during her old job in Miami. She invites THOR to her apartment. THOR declines, buys a bottle of vodka & walks home. He is beaten by a security guard outside (1 magazine article) a transition home. Page 58 5. ADDLED: Young Men Stupid Enough to Live with Worms! THOR describes life among the winos, junkies & prostitutes in the Silvertown area of Bay City. THOR & JERRY discover WORMS living in the ceiling of their apartment. (1 news article, footnote) Page 66 6. FIGHTIN’ WORDS! Clowns Talk Love, Get in Brawl TV journalists report warning of “possible terrorists on the loose.” THOR & JERRY struggle to achieve their dreams of art & stardom. They discuss love, get in a fist fight. Page 74 7. MNUNG’S WORLD: President to Naughty Dick: Drop Dead! PRESIDENT WOLFGANG G. MNUNG announces launch of Operation: Peace, Freedom, Security, Justice & Liberty in historic address from the Oval Office. Page 83 8. PATRIOTS DEMAND: Stop Smoking Crack! THOR covers son’s axe-murder of parents. At a ball game, JERRY tells THOR that HEATHER went to the Alps for special health treatment. THOR observes patriotic display at ball game. He & JERRY join with crowd in chanting at youths to “Stop (3 news articles) Smoking Crack!” Page 93 9. WHEN FOOLS RUSH IN: Ivy Leaguer Joins Clown Squad! The Ivy Leaguer SCOTT T. VARICK comes to work at Cities News Services. THOR covers arrest of REVEREND LANGLEY CHOWDERMILK, accused of sexual assaults (3 news articles) on children. Page 99 10. LOVEBIRDS: Drunken Romance Flowers at Sad Wedding! THOR attends the wedding of an old college friend, SAMANTHA, whose mother is dying. THOR describes some of his college experiences, the person he was in college. At the wedding, THOR has an intimate encounter with TERRI, drinks too much & (1 footnote) vomits. Page 112 11. IN OUR TIME: War is Over, Clowns Drink Free! THOR watches PRESIDENT MNUNG war victory celebration on television. SCOTT VARICK has been promoted after nine weeks on the job, & THOR attends a party in his honor at the 50 Million club. VARICK displays his wit & wisdom, buys drinks for (2 news articles) everyone. Page 118 12. HIDE IN ‘PLANE’ SIGHT: Cannibals on the Loose! THOR has no money & goes to ex-temping colleague GENE KEAKS’ house for free Cannibal Holocaust booze. They watch , discuss presidential assassination attempts & the 9/11 attacks. Page 124 13. GANG BANG! Clowns Crash Massacre Meltdown THOR recalls his office’s reaction to 9/11 attacks. He leaves GENE’S house & goes to a (1 news article, 1 footnote) hospital to report on victims of a mass shooting. Page 133 14. BRAIN DRAIN: Cops Claim Man Not Used For Target Practice! THOR covers police shooting of an unarmed man. Also: Transcript of PRESIDENT MNUNG news conference on location at president’s Mississippi ranch set. Event (1 news article) features water balloon fight between visiting Saudi & Israeli envoys. Page 140 15. LET GOD SORT HIM OUT: Christ Commits Suicide! The ROCK STAR CHRIST SUNBEAM commits suicide. THOR & JERRY drink whisky, THOR remembers the magic & mania of SUNBEAM’S incredible career. (2 footnotes, 1 magazine article) Page 148 16. BLOCKBUSTER: Clown Clutches, Touches Rich Babe! THOR & JERRY host party for SUNBEAM’S suicide. HEATHER attends with an older man, CURTIS, a photographer. THOR meets CHRISSY. They smoke drugs & he (1 footnote) kisses her. Page 155 17. OPERATION SCUMBAG: Clown, Cops Team Up for Drug War Combat! THOR goes out on a night reporting mission with the Bay City drug detectives (1 news article) WODGERS & BANTING. THOR participates in bust of drug suspects. Page 165 18. ENCORE: Clown Hits Sex-Pot with Juicy Babe! CHRISSY calls THOR at office, invites him to her new house. They have sex in CHRISSY’S pool, eat hamburgers & watch a Bruce Willis film. Page 177 19. KILL CITY: Send in the Clowns! THOR & RICHIE attend MAYOR FAVELLA’S press conference after 37 people are killed in 36 hours in an unprecedented Bay City crime wave. RICHIE is thrown out of conference after angrily questioning the police seizure of just four guns in a (10 news articles) crackdown. Page 186 20. DIZZY: Babe Leads Love-Drunk Clown by Nose! THOR begins living at CHRISSY’S house. THOR describes their life together, incidents in CHRISSY’S past. They “appeared to live in a state of high intelligence & being, untroubled by daily hassles.” THOR meets CHRISSY’S mother, MAXINE, who suffers from Parkinson’s, & her boyfriend, GERARD. They attend the Feed World (3 news articles, 2 footnotes, one transcript) Hunger benefit with Hollywood stars. Page 211 21. UNGLUED: Paranoia Peaks as Clown Lives Lush Life! THOR & CHRISSY attend Passover celebration in New York. They return to Bay City, where CHRISSY is threatened by a man masturbating in a parking lot. THOR Hell Is My Body & gets paranoid. They have a disagreement over the French film Other People’s (4 news articles) . CHRISSY gets emotional, asks THOR if he loves her. Page 223 22. LUNA-CRAZY: Love Gets Loopy in Mountain Paradise! MAYOR FAVELLA launches “Permanent Crime Amnesty For The City” crackdown. CHRISSY introduces THOR to anal sex. CHRISSY leaves to visit a spiritual guru in the mountains, an experience that leads to her painful confession of a college abortion. CHRISSY & THOR go to the Lunabear new-age convention in Colorado. THOR watches coverage of terrorist attack in Russia on television, gets drunk. CHRISSY locks (5 news articles, one footnote) him out of hotel room. Page 240 23. HAIL, HAIL! The Clown King is Dead – Long Live the Clown DICK dies. THOR attends funeral service & staff party, gets drunk. KATE corrals him (1 news article) into a taxi & takes him to her apartment, where he spends the night. Page 250 24. HELL HATH NO: Babe Fury at Cad Clown! THOR & CHRISSY have a fight. CHRISSY storms out, drives off somewhere for the (2 news articles, 1 press release) night. THOR gets drunk & watches TV news. Page 260 25. MOMMY’S LITTLE HELPER: A Clown’s Homecoming THOR goes home for HIS MOTHER’S birthday, watches television with his mother & her husband, HANK. Hank tells dirty jokes, shows THOR inventions he’s working on in the garage. THOR goes to a mall to buy gifts for his mother, including a (2 book excerpts, 2 footnotes) PRESIDENT MNUNG DOLL. Page 274 26. NO MÁS: Clown Pounded in Fist Frenzy! THOR goes out with his boyhood friend, TOBY, who is married with children & works as a prison guard. They get drunk, clash with high school acquaintances who have become neo-Nazi skinheads. TOBY hits a cat while driving drunk. THOR is beaten when he tries to enter a party without an invitation. THOR, his MOTHER & HANK attend church. CHRISSY calls THOR to say that GERARD has had a heart attack. (1 footnote) THOR decides he’ll ask CHRISSY to marry him. Page 289 27. DYNAMITE! Clown Left in Dust as Babe Blows Stack THOR goes with CHRISSY & HER MOTHER to see GERARD in the hospital. THOR leaves the hospital, buys a bottle of alcohol. THOR & CHRISSY go to see the film Mnung Is A Cancer That Is Destroying America . Afterwards, they have a fight. CHRISSY drives off, leaving THOR in the street. CHRISSY sends THOR’S belongings (1 news article) to him by mail. Page 295 28. BAY CITY BOZO: Clown Boozes as Gal Pal Sobs! KATE has been offered a job in Cleveland & suggests THOR move there with her. KATE also would like a BABY.