Love, sex and intimacy in new late-life romantic relationships Sue Malta B. Soc. Sci Swinburne University B.A. Hons Swinburne University This thesis is submitted in fulfillment of the requirements for the Degree of Doctor of Philosophy for the Faculty of Life and Social Sciences Swinburne University of Technology August 2013 Abstract Few studies exist which describe the actual initiation and progression of new late-life romantic relationships, particularly within an Australian context. This is surprising, as it is likely that the dynamics of romance in later life differ from romance amongst younger adults. Previous research which has looked specifically at heterosexual older adults has largely described their sexual functioning rather than the meaning they give to their loving partnerships. Because of this dearth of research, little is known about late life dating and mating habits. This thesis attempts to fill this gap, by investigating romantic relationships which begin in later life – after divorce or widowhood, or for those who have never married – with a special focus on relationships which are mediated via online technology. It presents findings from qualitative semi-structured interviews with 45 older adults, aged 60 years of age and over residing in Australia. The findings show that the older adults in this study found new romantic partnerships as a consequence of their offline social activities and also by deliberately joining online dating websites. These partnerships were meaningful, important and sexually intimate. However, very few progressed to cohabitation or marriage, with most of the older adults preferring to date or live functionally separately, even when their relationships were long-term and committed, in order to avoid providing care-giving and instrumental support. This phenomenon, which is known in Europe as living apart together (LAT; Levin & Trost 1999), is only now coming to the attention of the Australian research community and only in a quantitative sense (see Reimondos, Evans & Gray 2011). With its qualitative focus, the current study therefore presents novel information. The findings indicate that these older adults were looking for and finding egalitarian 'pure'-type relationships (Giddens 1992) based on emotional and sexual equality but not necessarily based on cohabitation or monogamy. The thesis argues that these older adult LAT relationships embody a new family form within Australia and one which will only become more prevalent as society ages. i Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn’t be one of them Dream for an Insomniac (DeBartolo 1996) ii This thesis is dedicated to my Mum and Dad, Vi and Reg Powley, who have hearts of gold and a love beyond measure. YOU are my inspiration. Thank you my darlings. For everything. iii Acknowledgements First of all I must acknowledge all the wonderful older women and men who gave of their time and their energy and who entrusted their stories to me. Their descriptions of love, sex and intimacy were life affirming and inspirational – and their desire to have their voices heard was the motivation I needed when the writing muse deserted me. Thank you. To the most wonderful supervisor anyone can have – Karen Farquharson. Her comments and suggestions have always been extremely thought provoking and encouraging. They have helped me find my “voice” (at last!) and have enriched my writing. But most of all, for Karen’s unswerving belief in me, her understanding and her deep humanity, I am indebted beyond measure. I can never thank her enough. I also thank Michael Gilding, my second supervisor, who has provided constructive and, at times, challenging, criticism but who has remained constant in his support. I value his insight. I would also like to thank Katharine Betts, who taught me during my undergraduate and Honours degrees. Her encouragement to keep going and her sponsorship of my PhD application is something I will always be truly grateful for. Any journey such as this research project precipitates a process of looking back. This inevitably brings me to my mentor Dr. Michael Warren, who taught me at Swinburne TAFE when I was just beginning my academic journey. He was a truly ‘gentle’ man who was passionate about nurturing adult learners. A late-life learner himself, Michael told me that one day I would be “up the road” doing a PhD. I did not believe him. He would be very happy to know that his prediction came true. Sadly Michael passed away during my undergraduate course. He may be gone but he is not forgotten. Vale Michael. Although I have been hiding away in my writing cave for some time, I have many happy memories of the postgrad rooms at Swinburne. Firstly in the room above Haddons which whilst hot in summer and cold in winter, was light and airy and made me feel like I had “made it”! To my fellow students who were there with me then, thank you for the fun. I want to make special mention of Meg Carter and her husband, Jim Goodwin, who, since that time, have provided me with years of Christmas cheer in the form of Jim’s eclectic Christmas music collection. Ah! The joy of Christmas iv music! How it has kept me going at times, especially this last Christmas, when I needed it more than ever. Thanks guys – I’m looking forward to a long overdue catch up! In the AS building I was fortunate to become ensconced with an assorted band of reprobates, Chong, Matthew, Ben and Helene, not least of whom were my other two Musketeers – Christopher Baker and Maren Rawlings. In amongst moments of research and writing despair, there were many periods of wickedness and laughter. What a pleasure that was. I’m the last of the three to finish. I’m so glad Maren and Christopher did not give up on me and I look forward to our ongoing friendship. And finally I want to acknowledge my friends and family. Firstly my Grubby boys and girls, who have filled my fourth Sundays of the month with much wine (too much at times!) and even more laughter: your friendship and belief in me is a constant and you continually remind me that I am not alone. To my friends Michele and Sally: we may not be the wicked sisters anymore but we are forever wicked in my heart. To Michele, Pete and my lovely Joey, we go back a long, long, long way and I treasure your love and support. To my friends from Bendigo to as far away as America, and particularly Ruth and David, Su and Chris, and my Netball Girls – who have not given up on me (I hope!) – it’s time to bring out our diaries. To my siblings and my extended family, I want to thank you for your understanding and I look forward to catching up on our lost time. Special, special thanks to my wonderful, wonderful children Sam, Eden and Lex, their partners Julian, Yuval and Anna, and my beautiful grandchildren Bonnie, Ayelet and Noam, thank you for putting up with my distraction and constant absences – and for being endlessly supportive and loving. I’m back!!!! This one’s for all of you my sweethearts – I couldn’t have done this without you. And, of course, to my baby Mandy, who I carry with me always, everywhere I go. And finally (yes, there is a finally!) I have two people to acknowledge. To GS, who like me, enjoys movies and carpet picnics but not black hat moments – it’s time to get the cards out! And to you dear Errol for many, many years of love and encouragement and for being a wonderful father to our children – I wouldn’t be here without your input. This thesis is as much for you and the kids, as it is for me. Well, here it is, at last. At times over the last two years I despaired that I would ever finish... Writing this thesis has been the hardest thing I have ever done. v Declaration This thesis contains no material which has been accepted for the award to the candidate of any other degree or diploma, except where due reference is made in the text of the thesis. To the best of my knowledge this thesis contains no material previously published or written by another person except where due reference is made in the text of the thesis. Sue Malta August 2013 vi Love, sex and intimacy in new late-life romantic relationships Chapter One: Introduction 1 Structure of this thesis 4 Chapter Two: Contextual issues 5 A “greying population” 5 Increased life expectancy 6 Gender differences in population ageing 7 Retirement 7 Defining “old” 8 Baby boomers? 9 Ageism 10 Older adults, computers and Internet use 16 Conclusion 18 Chapter Three: What do we know about late life romantic relationships? 20 What are romantic relationships? 20 Initiating new romantic relationships in later life 24 The progression and consolidation of late life relationships 35 Sexuality and ageing research 41 Conclusion 54 Chapter Four: Theorising late life romantic relationships 58 The sociology of the family 59 The sociology of ‘personal life’ 63 Conclusion 73 Chapter Five: Doing the research 76 Why study late life romantic relationships? 76 A word about self 78 vii Why select 60-year plus participants? 79 Qualitative enquiry 80 The research project: two stages 84 The research project: four types of interview methods 92 Data analysis 104 Ethical issues 105 Conclusion 107 Chapter Six: Late life romance, face to face 109 The Face to Face Romance group 109 The beginning: how and where older adults meet 110 Early dating: first dates and getting to know each other 114 Progression and consolidation: sexual intimacy and partnerships 122 Discussion and conclusion 131 Chapter Seven: Late life