HOLOCAUST KICKBOXER: DESCENT AND TRANSFORMATION OF INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA by NICOLE WAGENBERG A dissertation submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY IN PSYCHOLOGY MERIDIAN UNIVERSITY 2012 Copyright by NICOLE WAGENBERG 2012 HOLOCAUST KICKBOXER: DESCENT AND TRANSFORMATION OF INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA by NICOLE WAGENBERG A dissertation submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY IN PSYCHOLOGY MERIDIAN UNIVERSITY 2012 This dissertation has been accepted for the faculty of Meridian University by: _________________________________________ Lisa Herman, Ph.D. Dissertation Advisor _________________________________________ Melissa Schwartz, Ph.D. Dissertation Chair _________________________________________ Shoshana Fershtman, Ph.D. Doctoral Project Committee Member This work is dedicated to our capacity to grow, transform, and evolve. Gracias a la vida que me ha dado tanto. Me ha dado la risa y me ha dado el llanto, Así yo distingo dicha de quebranto, Los dos materiales que forman mi canto. Y el canto de ustedes que es el mismo canto, Y el canto de todos que es mi propio canto. Thanks to life that has given me so much. It has given me laughter and has given me tears. That way I can distinguish between joy and pain, Both of which make up my song. And your song is the same song. And everyone’s song is my own song. Violeta Parra “Gracias a la Vida” Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frighten us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around us. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we liberate from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others. Marianne Williamson A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles ABSTRACT HOLOCAUST KICKBOXER: DESCENT AND TRANSFORMATION OF INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA by Nicole Wagenberg Focusing on third-generation women descendants of Holocaust survivors, this study asked: What affective experiences and imaginal structures emerge in the process of disidentifying from survivor guilt and cultivating authentic power? The hypothesis was, as affective experiences related to survivor guilt are increasingly recognized and tended to one can access more freedom to cultivate one’s authentic power. The Literature Review covers survivor guilt and intergenerational trauma as well as the experience of the descendants of Holocaust survivors. Other relevant resources reviewed include ritual and expressive arts in relation to metabolizing historical trauma. Although much research has been done with Holocaust survivors and their descendants, literature is lacking on the effect upon third generation survivors, particularly pertaining to guilt and possible transformation through group ritual, culturally relevant practices, and expressive arts. The methodology utilized was Imaginal Inquiry. Eight participants, self-identified as third generation descendants of Holocaust survivors, met with the researcher for a one- day meeting. Through ritual, ecstatic practices, dialogue, and drama therapy, they shared and explored ways in which the Holocaust impacted them; they tapped into previously unexpressed affective states and processed their survivor guilt. vi vii The study’s Cumulative Learning was: When third-generation women descendants of Holocaust survivors gathered to explore and give voice to their experience, they processed the conflicted roles, expectations, and pressures put upon them by the broader community, communitas was created which brought healing about these experiences. This Cumulative Learning is based upon four major Learnings: First when the participants, third-generation women descendants of Holocaust survivors gathered as a group and embraced the opportunity to share their personal and family Holocaust stories for the first time in such a group, a unique safety emerged. Second with the safety that was created, the participants were able to sink into the unknown and face shadow aspects of their experience which included deep rage, grief, despair and guilt. Third through engaging with the Friend voices associated with their ancestors, gatekeeping dynamics were transmuted, allowing psychic movement and transformation for the participants. Fourth when third-generation women descendants of Holocaust survivors explored the impact of the Holocaust, drawing upon Jewish community, ritual, and practices was a balm for their experiences of trauma, loss, and guilt and provided a haven through this temporary small Jewish community of women. The study’s reflections focus on how understanding the process of moving from survivor guilt to authentic power can be deepened through the myths of the descent of Inanna and of Lilith, and the Jewish concept of Tikkun Olam. Inanna’s journey into the unexplored dark places of self and humanity can lead into an empowered and individuated self. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Thanks to my family for their generous support, for learning and growing with me and for their deep love. Thanks to my ancestors, those who I met in person and those who I continue to meet in spirit. Feeling your support towards this work is validating. I have no words that describe my appreciation for my therapist S.J. Her brilliant insight and constant support feeds my being in radically exciting, and positive ways. She is very much a part of this dissertation. Thanks to Michaelle Goerlitz who joined me in the middle of this journey despite the fact that I warned her that we might not make it. As it turns out, her love, patience, and consistent presence is what helped me make it. I hold deep gratitude for the dissertation support staff at Meridian University for all the ways that they have made this work possible. I thank Melissa Schwartz, Lisa Herman, and Shoshana Fershtman for their encouragement and support and for their insightful feedback that helped me bring focus and clarity. Their academic and professional body of work that is very relevant to the topic of this dissertation has been an inspiration and has contributed greatly towards this work. Thank you to Terri Aspen for graciously helping me hold the group on the day of the study and to Mary-Angela Fatta for filming the meeting and most importantly for sharing a home with me during this process and teaching me how to lovingly care and tend to the other. Thank you to Cohort 12 for a tansformative experience. Especially, thanks to Jessica, Cheryl, Mary, and Summer for our holding circle and loving support. viii ix Thank you to Anne Coelho and Isoke Femi for initiating me into this process. Your mentoring during my school years prepared me to do this work. Thank you for believing in me and for supporting me during times of despair, for meeting and receiving me in the depths of darkness in ways I had not been held before. I would not have been able to do this work without you. Thank you to Aryeh Shell who gave birth to the Herstories Project, and while working together, gifted me with an introduction to Mary Oliver’s poem, “The Journey,” which has been key in my work with survivor guilt. Deep appreciation to Armand Volkas who opened the gates for me to process and transform post-Holocaust trauma, and fathered me into my practice as a psychologist. Thank you to Ellen Becker, Rabbi Dev Noily and Irwin Keller for sharing their brilliance around the topic of this dissertation. Their insights are reflected throughout this work. You have contributed greatly to my own healing. Thank you to Melissa Nelson and The Cultural Conservancy. The cultural healing work that you do with the Native American community has deeply inspired this work. I am honored to be able to be a part of your process and learn with you. Thank you to Joani, Eugenia, Andrea, Coco, and David for their loving friendship and support. Thank you to my kitties: Love Boy and Love Girl, for coming into my life at the perfect time when I much needed their abundant love, companionship and wisdom. And last but most importantly, I have deep respect and much gratitude to the women that participated in this study. Their journey and courage to face the depths of pain and hold the joy of light are a great contribution. Your sharing has transformed me and will, I believe, also help others in their journey. CONTENTS ABSTRACT . vi ACKNOWLEDGMENTS . viii CONTENTS . x Chapter 1. INTRODUCTION . 1 Research Topic Relationship to the Topic Theory-In-Practice Research Problem and Hypothesis Methodology and Research Design Learnings Significance and Relevance of the Study 2. LITERATURE REVIEW . 26 Introduction and Overview Understanding Survivor Guilt Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma The Experience of Descendants of Holocaust Survivors From Survivor Guilt to Authentic Power Conclusion x xi Chapter Page 3. METHODOLOGY . 104 Introduction and Overview Co-Researchers Limitations and Delimitations Participants Four Phases of Imaginal Inquiry 4. LEARNINGS . 125 Introduction and Overview Learning One: Stripping Naked Learning Two: Facing Ereshkigal Learning Three: The Helpers: Emergence of the Friend, in the Form of the Ancestors Learning Four: Re-emergence through Re-joining Community: We Laughed and Cried at the Same Time Conclusion 5. REFLECTIONS . 193 Significance of the Learning Mythic and Archetypal Reflections Implications of the Study Recommendations for Further Study Appendix 1. ETHICS APPLICATION . 223 2. CONCEPTUAL OUTLINE . 227 xii Appendix Page 3. CHRONOLOGICAL OUTLINE . 229 4. INFORMED CONSENT FORM . 233 5. FLYER . 235 6. 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