VALUES AND THE WISDOM OF OUR GRANDMOTHERS “Shame is so intense, and generates such powerful negative feelings towards the self, that the shamed individual is unable to derive self- esteem from within.” William Cloke, Ph.D Jane Middelton-Moz Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 Jane Middelton-Moz Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 HEALING THE PAIN Middelton-Moz “People like me have lived in darkness for so long that the light seems wrong. We’ve known misery for so long that goodness and happiness produce overwhelming feelings of shame. Finally, after healing, I now Know joy. I now know pride.” Male, age 40. IT TAKES EIGHT YEARS OF LIFE TO DEVELOP EMOTIONAL/ PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH. CHILDREN TAKE FROM THE OUTSIDE AND BRING TO THE INSIDE THE BELIEFS ABOUT THEMSELVES SHOWN BY ADULT CAREGIVERS THROUGH THEIR WORDS, FEELING, ACTIONS AND/OR BEHAVIORS. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 •NEED SHAME •FEELING SHAME •BODY SHAME •CHARACTER SHAME •SEXUAL SHAME •SHAME OF GIVING OR RECEIVING •FAMILY SHAME •CULTURAL SHAME •ACCOUNTABILITY/RESPONSIBILITY SHAME •SPIRITUAL SHAME Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 SHAMING MESSAGES “I WISH YOU’D NEVER BEEN BORN!” “YOU’RE IN THE WAY!” “YOU DON’T BELONG.” “YOU’RE STUPID!” “YOU’RE A SISSY!” “YOU’RE A CRY BABY.” “NO ONE WILL WANT YOU AS YOU ARE.” “I WISH YOU’D BEEN A BOY.” “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” “WHAT YOU THINK AND FEEL IS NOT IMPORTANT.” “YOU’RE THE CAUSE OF ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS.” “IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU” Jane Middelton-Moz Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 A CHILD MAY EXPERIENCE SHAME WHEN PARENTS AND OTHER ADULT CAREGIVERS INDICATE THROUGH THEIR WORDS AND/OR BEHAVIOR THAT A CHILD IS NOT WANTED. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 TRIGGER IMMEDIATE FEELINGS BODY RESPONSE partner coming jealousy/rage tense/tight home late BEHAVIORAL RESPONSE FEELINGS BLOCKED BY BEHAVIOR pacing/screaming at her that he inadequacy, vulnerability knows she’s been with another man when she comes in. UNDERLYING SHAME told from an early age that he was not wanted - that he was in the way Jane MIddelton-Moz Boiling Point; The Workbook Copyright 2000 WHEN A CHILD IS HUMILIATED IN PUBLIC, THE SHAME RESPONSE INCREASES. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 SHAME OCCURS WHEN DISAPPROVAL IS SHOWN TOWARD THE CHILD THAT IS AIMED AT THEIR ENTIRE BEING RATHER THAN A PARTICULAR BEHAVIOR OR A SPECIFIC ACTION. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 WHEN A CHILD CANNOT LIVE UP TO THE EXPECTATIONS OF HER/HIS ADULT CARETAKERS BECAUSE THE EXPECTATIONS ARE INCONSISTENT OR UNREALISTIC GIVEN THE CHILD’S DEVELOPMENTAL CAPABILITIES, THE CHILD FEELS THAT HE/SHE IS WORTHLESS, NOT LOVABLE, A “FAILURE”, A “MISTAKE”. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 WHEN A CHILD IS CONSISTENTLY BLAMED FOR THE ACTIONS OR EMOTIONAL STATES OF ADULT CAREGIVERS, BOTH SHAME AND DEBILITATING GUILT DEVELOP. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 WHEN TRUST IN IMPORTANT ADULT FIGURES IS DAMAGED OR DESTROYED THROUGH INCONSITENCY OR NEGLECT, SHAME IS CREATED IN THE CHILD. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 TRIGGER IMMEDIATE FEELINGS BODY RESPONSE breakup with depression shutdown girlfriend BEHAVIORAL RESPONSE FEELINGS BLOCKED BY BEHAVIOR suicide attempt anger UNDERLYING SHAME childhood abandonment and neglect; lost child Jane MIddelton-Moz Boiling Point; The Workbook Copyright 2000 WHEN A CHILD’S EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES ARE VIOLATED AS OCCURS IN PHYSICAL OR SEXUAL ABUSE, SHAME IS CREATED IN THE CHILD. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 WHEN A CHILD MUST HIDE A PART OF HER/HIS BEING IN ORDER TO BE ACCEPTED, SHAME IS CREATED IN THE CHILD. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 TRIGGER IMMEDIATE FEELINGS BODY RESPONSE daughter being rage tense/tight diagnosed with diabetes BEHAVIORAL RESPONSE FEELINGS BLOCKED BY BEHAVIOR blames wife for child’s illness vulnerability/powerlessness/fear starts a fight/ hits her UNDERLYING SHAME growing up with domestic violence “if you cry, I’ll give you something to cry about” shut off fear and vulnerability at an early age Jane MIddelton-Moz Boiling Point; The Workbook Copyright 2000 WHEN A CHILD FEELS THAT PARENTS OR MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY ARE “FLAWED” COMPARED TO OTHER ADULT FIGURES IN THE WORLD, SHAME DEVELOPS. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 WHEN ADULTS IGNORE OR TREAT INDIFFERENTLY EVENTS OR GIFTS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO THE CHILD, THE CHILD FEELS INTENSE SHAME. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 WHEN A CHILD IS MADE TO FEEL UNWANTED, UNLOVABLE, FLAWED, OR WORTHLESS IN THE BROADER WORLD OF SCHOOL OR COMMUNITY, SHAME DEVELOPS IN THE CHILD. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 WHEN A CHILD FEELS BY COMPARISON THAT HIS/HER PARENTS ARE DIFFERENT THAN OTHER POWERFUL FIGURES IN THE WORLD OUTSIDE THE HOME, THE CHILD MAY BEGIN TO FEEL SHAME REGARDING THE FAMILY AND THUS SHAME OF SELF. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 WHEN PARENTS OR OTHER ADULT CAREGIVERS USE SILENT DISGUST AS A WAY OF DISCIPLINING A CHILD’S BEHAVIOR, THE CHILD FEELS THAT HER/HIS ENTIRE BEING IS BAD. WHEN SILENT REJECTION IS USED AS A PUNISHMENT, THE CHILD CANNOT REPAIR THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE ADULT. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 WHEN A CHILD GROWS UP WITH ADULTS WHO ARE ASHAMED AND FEEL POWERLESS IN THE WORLD, THE CHILD ALSO FEELS SHAME AND A LACK OF POWER. SHAME IS CONTAGIOUS. Jane MIddelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 • I AM: • LIFE IS: • PEOPLE ARE: • THEREFORE, I WILL: Jane Middelton-Moz Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 BYPASSED SHAME • RAGE • PERFECTION • EXTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL • BLAMING • WITHDRAWAL • LATERAL VIOLENCE • CONTEMPT • JEALOUSY • LIVING IN IMAGE • NEED FOR POWER • DEBILITATING GUILT • ISOLATION • ATTEMPTING TO BE INVISIBLE • ENVY Jane Middelton-Moz Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 SHAME RELAPSE DYNAMIC AFTER RELAPSE: SHAMEFUL GETTING SOBER: SHAMELESS “I’m no good” “I will be perfect” “I’m weak” “I will not make mistakes” “I’m out of control” “I will be superhuman and help everyone” “I’m not acceptable” “I will be on top of things” “I’m a failure” “I will be tireless, fearless” “I’m worthless” BEHAVIORS LEADING TO RELAPSE: POWERFUL JUDGEMENTAL SELF-RIGHTEOUS CAN’T LIVE UP TO STANDARDS SET PLOM DEPRESSED/ANGRY/CRITICAL/INADEQUATE COMPULSION TO REPEAT: •The one who is humiliated becomes the one who humiliates. •The one who is humiliated hurts and humiliates themselves. •The one who is humiliated seeks out relationships where humiliation continues. Talking it out and feeling it out ends acting it out. Jane Middelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise THOSE WHO ARE SHAMED CONTINUALLY SEEK THEIR WORTH EXTERNALLY, OFTEN THROUGH RELATIONSHIPS. UNFORTUNATELY, FINDING SELF-ESTEEM OUTSIDE THE SELF IS IMPOSSIBLE. THE FANTASY NEVER MATCHES THE REALITY. NO ONE CAN LIVE UP TO THE FANTASY IDEAL: “ SOMEDAY I WILL FINALLY FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.” Jane Middelton-Moz Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 Jane Middelton-Moz Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 THE GREATEST BARRIER TO OUR OWN HEALING IS NOT THE PAIN, SORROW, OR VIOLENCE INFLICTED UPON US AS CHILDREN AND YOUTH. OUR GREATEST BARRIER IS OUR ONGOING CAPACITY TO JUDGE, CRITICIZE AND BRING HARM TO OURSELVES AND OTHERS. CHILDREN RAISED IN PAIN LEARN TO TRUST WHAT IS PAINFUL. Jane Middelton-Moz Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 Shaming I Still Allow Shaming Messages I From Others Still Give to Myself Shaming Messages I Give to Others • “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME??” • “IF I COULD ONLY DO IT BETTER THEY WOULD LOVE ME.” • “I’M A VICTIM.” • “I’M A SURVIVOR”. • “I’M A HUMAN BEING!” Jane Middelton-Moz Shame and Guilt; Masters of Disguise Copyright: 1990 THE WILL TO SURVIVE “WHEN THE WINTER IS SEVERE, THE PINE TREES IN THIS ANCIENT LAND STAY GREEN THROUGHOUT THE YEAR. IS IT BECAUSE THE EARTH IS WARM AND FRIENDLY? NO, IT IS BECAUSE THE PINE TREE HAS WITHIN ITSELF A LIFE RESTORING POWER” Ancient Chinese Proverb SURVIVORS, FAR FROM DEFEATED BY THE TRAUMA OF ABUSE, HAVE A STRONG AND RESILIENT NATURE: •CONTINUALLY SEEKING HEALTH •COMPASSION •“HUMAN DOINGS” • HAVE WONDERFUL HUMOR •SPIRITUALITY •PAIN INTO ACTION •CREATIVITY •TENACITY •DETERMINATION CONSCIOUS CONFLICT GROUND RULES • WHEN TIME OUT IS TAKEN, IT IS REALLY A TIME OUT Don’t watch violent or provocative T.V. during time out Don’t drink alcohol, do drugs, or fill up on sweets Don’t obsess about issues in your mind and become more worked up Do something relaxing or energizing/ meditate, take a walk, etc. Middelton-Moz, Tener and Todd The Ultimate Guide to Transforming Anger Copyright 2004 CONSCIOUS CONFLICT • LISTEN WITHOUT MINDREADING • WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE: Avoid “Never” and “Always” • DON’T THROW OF CATCH “HOT POTATOES” • WHENEVER POSSIBLE, APOLOGIZE BLAMELESSLY • “Miracle-Gro” ON THE COUPLE’S TREE: “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.” • DON’T INTERRUPT Middelton-Moz, Tener and Todd The Ultimate Guide to Transforming Anger Copyright: 2004 • A NEW DANCE: Awareness of the dance we are teaching our partner. • PASSION IN THE RELATIONSHIP: Tending the Fire • TWO WAY TRAFFIC: Equal Yet Different • THE ART OF COMPROMISE: Win – Win • HONEST COMMUNICATION: Without Blame or Judgment • RELATIONSHIPS ARE WORK: Willingness to Work Through Issues, Not Burying or Ignoring Them.