BACKTALK A Model About Nothing elcome to “Backfire,” the interview Elaine: It has five levels. All good models Kramer: Oh, I’m out there Gary, I’m out within a journal where we cross- have five levels. there! examineW popular icons for software truth. George: I wanted seven. This month we have the cast of Seinfeld – Jerry: The first level is “Breathing,” every- Gary: Who would consider you comedy Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer who have one qualifies in this level because we believe consultants? developed a Comedy Maturity Model everyone has a little humor. George: Hey, we have artistic integrity. (CMM) to teach young comedians. George: I say stupid things all the time. I Jerry: Artistic integrity? Where did you cannot go two minutes without saying come up with that? You are not artistic and Gary: First things first, what gave you the something stupid. you have no integrity. idea to teach comedy to the masses? Kramer: We didn’t want to exclude poten- George: You know, if you take everything I Jerry: Everybody is so serious now days. I tial clients so we set the bar low. It’s like soc- have done in my entire life and condense it thought to myself, what is going on in this cer – everyone gets to play. down into one day, it looks decent. community? Are you people aware of what is happening? What is driving you to this Gary: What comes after the breathing level? Kramer: The real money is in the spin-offs behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Elaine: Level 2 is “Grin,” the basic art of baby! Muzak? Is it the white shoes? remembering jokes. Level 3 is “Giggle,” Gary: Spin-offs? George: That is so true! I have no funny delivering jokes. Level 4 is “Guffaw,” the art Elaine: Oh yes we have the Stand-up friends. I am the funny one – El Clowno! of creating jokes. Level 5 is “Gut Buster,” Comedy Maturity Model (Sup-CMM), stringing jokes into a witty routine. Improvisation Comedy Maturity Model (I- Gary: So you formed a company. George: Each level has several KCAs. CMM), Situation Comedy Maturity Model Kramer: Yes, the company is Somewhat (Sit-CMM), Political Comedy Maturity Comical Institute (SCI), pending legal Gary: KCAs? Model (P-CMM), and for the night owls the review. Jerry: Knowledge Comedy Areas. Late Night Comedy Maturity Model (Ln- Jerry: I preferred the name Super Silly Inc. Kramer: We load the lower levels with a lot CMM). George: Elaine wanted the name to be Silly of banal KCAs and then reduce them to a Putty Limited, for obvious reasons, but few pedantic KCAs in the upper levels. That Gary: Will all the spin-offs confuse young there were trademark issues. allows us to hook them and keep them. comedians? Jerry: Of course, but we will integrate the Gary: Who came up with the idea of creat- Gary: There is not much comedic meat to models and sell services to understand the ing a Comedy Maturity Model? the model? new integrated model. Jerry: Kramer. He was watching a PBS spe- George: I think that you think that a certain cial on software. something is not all that it could be, when, Gary: It seems like a long road just to get George: I love those people. You can’t ask in fact, it is all that it should be ... and more! back to one model. them questions. They are so mentally gifted Jerry: You have to be patient with models; it Jerry: The road less traveled is less traveled that we must not disturb the delicate genius is like knocking over a Coke machine. You for a reason. unless it is in the confines of an office. can’t do it in one push. You have to rock it George: It’s like selling them a car, you stick When huge sums of money are involved back and forth a few times, and then it goes them with the undercoating, rust proofing, then the delicate genius can be disturbed. over. dealer prep ... suddenly they are on their Kramer: I come up with these things, I Elaine: You know what they say, “You backs like turtles. know they are gold but nothing happens, don’t sell the steak; you sell the sizzle.” hence, I called Elaine. Gary: So, it is a lie. Gary: It sounds like the SCI CMM is more George: Just remember, it’s not a lie if you Gary: Why Elaine? about making money than helping comedi- believe it. Kramer: She’s a calculating, cold-hearted ans. businesswoman. When there is dirty work to George: Why would we want to help some- Gary: You’re crazy. be done, she doesn’t mind stomping on a body? That is what nuns and Red Cross Kramer: Are we, or are we so sane that you few throats. workers are for. just blew your mind? Kramer: It’s like the Dewey Decimal Jerry: Maturity models are funny business. Gary: Why not George or Jerry? System ... what a scam that was. I could raise Kramer: There is a little too much chlorine enough money to cure polio. Okay, thank you Jerry, George, Elaine, in that gene pool. Jerry: It’s about nothing, a model about and Kramer. Join us next time when George: Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of nothing. Backfire cross-examines Butch Cassidy and the few things I do well. I come from a long the Sundance Kid on outsourcing. line of quitters. My father was a quitter; my Gary: How will you make money on the grandfather was a quitter ... I was raised to CMM? give up. Kramer: Assessments, workshops, and con- – Gary A. Petersen sulting. Shim Enterprise, Inc. Gary: Tell me about the model. Gary: Cosmo Kramer is consulting? [email protected] September 2005 www.stsc.hill.af.mil 31.