NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS a diary of dreams nathan j robinson may all your nightmares disappear and all your dreams be realized. “And what if there are only spiders there, or some- thing of that sort? … We always imagine eternity as something beyond our conception, something vast, vast! But why must it be vast? Instead of all that, what if it’s one little room, like a bath house in the country, black and grimy and spiders in every corner, and that’s all eternity is? I sometimes fancy it like that.” —Dostoevsky TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction........................................................13 A Concentration in Triangles..................................19 Zatz............................................................................... 19 Te Bill Gates Scholarship....................................... 21 Roger............................................................................ 23 Te Package................................................................ 26 Te Perfect Smile....................................................... 29 Te Girl Who Wrote For BuzzFeed....................... 31 Nosebleed.................................................................... 33 Te Pornographers’ Convention............................ 36 A Beard........................................................................ 36 Manatee County Jail................................................. 37 Four Flashes................................................................ 37 Te Golan Heights................................................... 39 Te Boris Johnson Library....................................... 40 Gas Station Lawyer................................................... 43 Astral Parents............................................................. 44 Foam Sale.................................................................... 45 Baghdad....................................................................... 46 Tifany......................................................................... 47 Four Fragments.......................................................... 51 A Christmas Story..................................................... 52 Te Alligator Restaurant.......................................... 55 Santa Monica.............................................................. 56 Te Constituents....................................................... 57 Kids Say the Darndest Tings................................. 59 Te German Restaurant........................................... 59 Christian Books Section.......................................... 60 Veteran’s Day Cookout............................................. 61 A Perfect Distribution.............................................. 62 Chickenscratch Congressman................................ 63 Berlin............................................................................ 65 I Began To Weep........................................................ 65 Law School Dining Hall.......................................... 66 9 nocturnal emissions Monumentalist Lefism........................................... 67 Trivial Pursuit By Another Name.......................... 68 Pumpkin...................................................................... 69 Ebola............................................................................. 70 El Guapo...................................................................... 70 Skinderprints.............................................................. 71 All Sof Choices......................................................... 71 Gilad X........................................................................ 72 Two Examinations..................................................... 73 Te Liberal Democratic Party................................. 74 Te Google Button................................................... 74 Five Charles Dickens Novels................................... 76 Bzzzzzzzzz................................................................... 77 Te Water.................................................................... 78 Wonkavator................................................................. 78 Diner............................................................................ 79 Bellybutton................................................................. 79 Alan.............................................................................. 80 Wedding/Walls.......................................................... 80 Nautical Semester...................................................... 81 Pink Slips.................................................................... 81 Political Science......................................................... 82 Block Quotes from Hannah Arendt..................... 83 Te Doughnut Breakfast......................................... 84 Jeb................................................................................. 84 Making It In Te Industry....................................... 85 Waves........................................................................... 86 Advice to Undergraduates....................................... 86 Leopard....................................................................... 87 Font Sizes..................................................... ............... 87 Zounds......................................................................... 88 Such Trivialities As Plot........................................... 89 Te Array..................................................................... 90 Te Beheading............................................................ 91 Serial Killer.................................................................. 91 ISIS............................................................................... 92 Topiary Dentist.......................................................... 92 Difering Conceptions of the Optimal................. 93 10 nocturnal emissions Te First Innovation................................................. 94 Brandeis Day............................................................... 94 Te Nigeria Bridge.................................................... 95 Te Funicular.............................................................. 96 Te Prosecutor............................................................ 97 Beach Ball.................................................................... 98 Sex Pistols/Melanie................................................... 100 Sea Turtle..................................................................... 102 1915.............................................................................. 103 Tofu Fireman.............................................................. 103 Te Turmoil................................................................ 104 Con Men..................................................................... 105 Realtor.......................................................................... 105 Leather......................................................................... 106 Brother......................................................................... 107 Beluga.......................................................................... 108 Te Crab Egg.............................................................. 110 Chalet.......................................................................... 112 Tiki............................................................................... 113 Nelson.......................................................................... 114 Grapes.......................................................................... 116 Eagle............................................................................. 116 Water............................................................................ 118 Atheistic Ignorance................................................... 119 Te Suspect................................................................. 120 Coates.......................................................................... 121 Sturgeon...................................................................... 122 Tunnel.......................................................................... 124 Demolition Derby..................................................... 124 Police Ofcer Training Corps................................. 125 It Was Adapted Into A Film.................................... 126 Crematoria.................................................................. 128 Papercufs.................................................................... 128 Te Turber Tapes..................................................... 131 Clown Car................................................................... 132 Mickey Finn................................................................ 133 Sophistry Is Tef....................................................... 135 Show and Tell............................................................. 136 11 nocturnal emissions Te M.S.C. ................................................................. 137 Mongolia..................................................................... 139 Felonious Tweet......................................................... 140 Te Big Book of Fascism.......................................... 141 Mercedes Benz............................................................ 142 Staircase Ghost........................................................... 143 Model U.N. ................................................................ 144 Tiger-Man..................................................................