•vaestoliitto OSMO KONTULA THE SEXUAL MIND Exploring the Origins of Arousal Publisher: Väestliitto ry., Population Research Institute (Väestntutkimuslaitos) Kalevankatu 16 B, P.O. Box 849, 00100 Helsinki. www.vaestoliitto.fi Original in Finnish: Mielen seksuaalisuus – Matka kiihottumisen alkulähteille (Duodecim, 2017) © Author and Väestöliitto Cover image: Sirkka-Liisa Lonka ISBN: 978-952-226-214-1 (English online - Väestliitto) ISBN: 978-951-656-680-4 (Finnish print - Duodecim) ISBN: 978-951-656-681-1 (Finnish online - Duodecim) Helsinki 2021 TABLE OF CONTENTS For the Reader...........................................................................................................................................................4 The mind as the source and barrier to sexuality.................................................................6 The sexual mind......................................................................................................... 6 Journey of sexual self-exploration ........................................................................ 8 Becoming sexual ......................................................................................................12 Why is sex seen as dangerous or condemnable?............................................15 Activation or suppression of the sexual mind .................................................18 Recollecting past sexual experiences .................................................................22 The erotic and romantic mind .............................................................................................................24 The essence of the erotic........................................................................................24 Romance as inspiration for sexual desire.........................................................25 Erotic self-esteem.....................................................................................................28 Erotic peak experiences .........................................................................................30 Sexual desire and arousal.........................................................................................................................34 The source of sexual desire...................................................................................34 Obstacles to passion create arousal ....................................................................40 Challenging and problematic emotions as a source of arousal...................44 Longing as a source of arousal.............................................................................49 Intimacy and the desire to become one.............................................................51 On wise, mature lust ...............................................................................................53 The core of sexuality and arousal .......................................................................55 Pornography, eroticism and the sexual core theme ......................................59 1 Sexual fantasies as a source of arousal....................................................................................63 The purpose and healing power of fantasies ...................................................63 What are sexual fantasies? ...................................................................................64 Psychological significance of fantasies ..............................................................69 Sexual identification ...............................................................................................71 Transforming negative emotions into sexual fantasies ................................72 Sexual fantasies of women and men..................................................................79 Sexual fantasies and arousal ................................................................................85 Dreaming of multiple partners ............................................................................88 Exposing oneself, voyeurism and fetishes ........................................................90 Fantasies with fetishes ...........................................................................................93 Sexual power games ...............................................................................................94 Fantasies of coercion and rape ............................................................................99 Explanations for women’s coercion fantasies ...............................................101 Putting fantasies into practice............................................................................105 Sexual mating and preserving passion....................................................................................108 Infatuation and sexual chemistry .....................................................................108 Masculinity and femininity.................................................................................111 Basic mating styles ................................................................................................113 The keys to passion, and sensual sex................................................................116 Erotic crises and tools for change .....................................................................121 Sexual tedium and couples .................................................................................122 Intimacy and sexual directness .........................................................................125 Preserving sexual desire in long-term unions ...............................................127 Women’s desire, men’s desire............................................................................130 Erotic sex..................................................................................................................134 2 Spiritualized sex.....................................................................................................139 Extraordinary sexual experiences and unforgettable sex partners.............141 Toward erotic fulfillment ....................................................................................141 The importance of giving and receiving appreciation ................................143 From sharing a common tune to achieving transcendence.......................144 Ideal lovemaking....................................................................................................147 Give yourself permission for sexual pleasure ...............................................148 What kind of sex is the best sex?.......................................................................149 The basic dimensions of extraordinary sex....................................................154 Finnish stories of best lovers and lovemakings.............................................155 The sexual mind is an amazing resource...............................................................................160 References...............................................................................................................................................................166 About the author...............................................................................................................................................169 3 FOR THE READER Nearly every person has an interest in sex and sexuality. This is why both receive plenty of attention in the public and the media. Yet sex is the most intimate, secret aspect of our lives, something we conceal from others and may find difficult to discuss openly even with an intimate partner. More secret still are the sexual images, desires and fantasies that we harbor inside ourselves. We may find it difficult to accept some of them, and often our intimate partners know next to nothing about them. In addition to sex, talking about arousal can be equally awkward. When sudden arousal happens to us outside our private sphere, it is not something we are able to talk about and may even bring a feeling of shame. Why is arousal so difficult and awkward? This and many other issues connected to the sexuality of the mind have been largely left uncharted and unexplored. Yet proper arousal is critical to achieving deeper sexual pleasure. This book approaches the sexual mind and arousal from multiple perspectives. Its central aim is to offer the reader information and perspectives that may be helpful in understanding why certain sexual matters are especially interesting or arousing to us, and why it is that they specifically inspire us most. Many of these secrets concern- ing ourselves are hidden in recesses of our subconscious. Taking a moment to con- sider these aspects of ourselves may yield interesting and surprising revelations, as well as tools for invigorating the sex life we experience in our relationship and for increasing our own sexual pleasure. This information in this book can also be used in working with clients and patients, particularly in the areas sexual counseling and therapy. For me, writing this book has opened up several new and interesting perspectives on the sexuality of the mind. The information used in the book is based largely on my long experience as a researcher in the field of sexuality, as well as many of my own previous sexological publications. As an editor, I have also been able to continually glean new information on this subject by reading and reviewing submissions to the scientific periodical Journal of Sex Research, and by listening to hundreds