AMERICAN ACADEMY OF CLINICAL SEXOLOGISTS EROTIC RECOVERY AFTER INFIDELITY: RESTORING THE SEXUAL TEMPLATE THROUGH SEX THERAPY A DISSERTATION SUBMITTED TO THE FACULTY OF THE AMERICAN ACADEMY OF CLINICAL SEXOLOGISTS IN CANDIDACY FOR THE DEGREE OF DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY IN CLINICAL SEXOLOGY BY TAMMY NELSON ORLANDO, FLORIDA JANUARY 2010 i To Bruce Hirshfield, my husband, for his perpetual love, support and understanding. ii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS To Jette Simon, for teaching me that I could be a relationship therapist, and showing me I could have a better relationship. To Dr Gina Ogden, who showed me how to be a sex therapist, researcher and a writer, before we ever met. To Dr. William Granzig who believed in me, and encouraged me to finish what I wasn’t sure I could. iii ABSTRACT Infidelity damages the sexual template and recovery from the trauma of an affair can be difficult to repair. Sex therapy can help couples recover their sexual relationship after infidelity. Through erotological recovery, sex therapy can restore the desire phase of the relationship. This may also affect the emotional recovery of the partnership after an affair. Affairs happen for many reasons. Infidelity does not always have to mean the end of a relationship. If the couple chooses to stay together, restoring the sexual template can even lead to an improvement of their erotic life. This can no only improve their relationship, but prevent infidelity in the future. Sex therapists and sexologists can focus on restoring relationships despite infidelity using sexual template recovery and erotic methodology designed to reconnect the couple. A damaged relationship can recover and be repaired, becoming stronger, more erotically connected and renewed after infidelity. iv CONTENTS ABSTRACT ................................................................................................................................... iv CONTENTS .................................................................................................................................... v PROBLEM STATEMENT ............................................................................................................. 7 CHAPTERS: 1 INTRODUCTION ...................................................................................................................... 8 2 LITERATURE REVIEW ............................................................................................................. I GENERAL CONTEXT: BROADER ISSUES ................................................................ 9 II NEED FOR RESEARCH ............................................................................................. 10 III RESEARCH QUESTION............................................................................................. 10 3 ASSUMPTIONS ....................................................................................................................... 11 I CAUSES OF AFFAIRS .................................................................................................. 11 II STAGES OF AFFAIR RECOVERY ............................................................................... 11 III STAGES OF SEX THERAPY ....................................................................................... 11 4 HYPOTHESIS .......................................................................................................................... 11 5 LITERATURE FINDINGS ...................................................................................................... 13 6 WHAT IS SEXUAL TEMPLATE? ......................................................................................... 13 7 WHAT IS MONOGAMY? ....................................................................................................... 15 8 LIMERENCE ............................................................................................................................ 26 9 CAUSES OF AFFAIRS: HOW DO THEY AFFECT THE SEXUAL TEMPLATE? ............ 27 I COLLUSION ................................................................................................................. 31 II INDIVIDUATION .......................................................................................................... 32 III EXCITEMENT/BOREDOM .......................................................................................... 33 IV POWER/DOMINATION ............................................................................................... 36 V SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION ............................................................................................ 38 VI ATTACHMENT ISSUES ............................................................................................... 42 VII SELF ESTEEM .............................................................................................................. 47 10 RECOVERY ........................................................................................................................... 48 I STAGES OF AFFAIR RECOVERY ............................................................................. 48 II SEX THERAPY ............................................................................................................. 56 III STAGES OF SEX THERAPY ....................................................................................... 61 IV EROTIC RECOVERY AFTER INFIDELITY: v HOW AND WHY IT CAN HAPPEN ...................................................... 65 V RECOVERY FROM JEALOUSY................................................................................. 68 VI MATE GUARDING ..................................................................................................... 69 11 PROGNOSIS ........................................................................................................................ 71 12 RESULTS ............................................................................................................................ 72 13 FINDINGS ........................................................................................................................... 72 I EARLIER ASSUMPTIONS ................................................................................... 74 A. cause ................................................................................................................ 74 II STAGES OF AFFAIR RECOVERY ...................................................................... 74 III PHASES OF FIDELITY RECOVERY ................................................................... 77 IV STAGES OF SEX THERAPY ................................................................................ 78 V EROTIC RECOVERY PHASES ............................................................................. 80 A. CRISIS PHASE ......................................................................................... 81 B. RENEGOTIATION/RENEW PHASE ..................................................... 83 VI PROGNOSIS ........................................................................................................... 91 VII HYPOTHESIS ........................................................................................................ 91 14 RECOMMENDATIONS .................................................................................................... 93 I NEED FOR FURTHER RESEARCH....................................................................... 94 CONCLUSION ............................................................................................................................. 95 APPENDIX ....................................................................................................................................... EXAMPLE: INTENSIVE FORMAT ........................................................................................... 98 STEPS OF EROTIC RECOVERY PROGRAM .......................................................................... 99 PHASES OF FIDELITY RECOVERY ...................................................................................... 101 EXCHANGING FANTASIES ................................................................................................... 103 APPRECIATING YOUR PARTNER SEXUALLY .................................................................. 107 SENSUAL FULL BODY CONTACT ....................................................................................... 110 LEARNING THE LANGUAGE OF AROUSAL ...................................................................... 113 DISCOVERING WHERE YOUR FANTASIES FALL ON THE EROTIC CURIOUSITY SPECTRUM .......................................................... 118 SEX DATE ................................................................................................................................. 123 SEX WORKSHEET #4 .............................................................................................................. 124 REFERENCE LIST .................................................................................................................... 126 ......................................................................................................................................................... vi PROBLEM STATEMENT There is an absence of research or clinical treatment model for sexual recovery from infidelity using sex therapy. The treatment model currently lacks information on integration of sex therapy and sexual template recovery with the treatment of affairs and infidelity in marriage therapy and couples counseling. 7 INTRODUCTION How