35(6257(' 67$1'$5' 3(50,7 :+,7(3/$,161< Vol. V No. XXVIII Thursday, July 14, 2011 :HVWFKHVWHU·V0RVW,QIOXHQWLDO:HHNO\ More at Risk +PZVYNHUPaLK+PZVYNHUPaLK 3DJH Ad Libs *YPTPUHSZ*YPTPUHSZ 3DJH 32nd Montreal Jazz Fest 9VIPU+H/VVK9VIPU+H/VVK 3DJH Mr. Rory McIlroy 3DJH Callas, A Bit Callous 3DJH Cruising in a Chevy Cruze 3DJH The Cohen, Shafran, Proulx Shuffle 3DJH Modern Day Serfdom )`:HTAOLYRH7HNL 3DJH westchesterguardian.com PAGE 2 THE WESTCHESTER GUARDIAN THURSDAY, JULY 14, 2011 Of Significance FeatureSection Feature Section ...........................................................................2 HUMOR Humor .....................................................................................2 Community Section ...................................................................3 Books ........................................................................................3 Northern Westchester .............................................................4 The Anatomy of Humor—One-Liners Energy Issues ...........................................................................5 By THE WESTCHESTER JOKESTER Life ...........................................................................................6 In this segment we explore the One-liners are useful for eliciting quick, cheap family of jokes known as “one-liners.” laughs, although they can become tiresome to Ed Koch Movie Reviews .........................................................7 Shakespeare’s observation by Polonius audiences if used to excess by a performer. One Music .......................................................................................8 in Hamlet that “brevity is the soul of exception, stand-up comedian Henny Youngman, The Spoof ................................................................................9 wit” embodies the basic principle of the one-liner. known as the “King of the One-Liners,” who used Sports .....................................................................................10 One-liners are probably as old as language. Here one-liners exclusively in his comedy routines. He are some classic examples: is best remembered for the stock line he used Eye on Theatre ......................................................................11 I have nothing to declare except my genius. throughout his career: “Take my wife--please.” Community Worship ............................................................12 (Said to U.S. Customs agents by Oscar Wilde, Other famous Henny Youngman one-liners Shifting Gears ........................................................................13 Anglo-Irish author, upon arriving at New York in include: Government Section ...............................................................14 1882.) I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave Be good. You will be lonesome. (American up--they have no holidays. Mayor Marvin .......................................................................14 humorist Mark Twain) I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps Government ...........................................................................15 History is an account, mostly false, of events, finding her way back. Albany Correspondent ..........................................................16 mostly unimportant, which are brought about by I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. Investigation ...........................................................................17 rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. He told me to stay out of those places. (American satirist Ambrose Bierce) My grandmother is over eighty and still Rye City Council Updates ....................................................16 She delivered a striking performance that ran doesn’t need glasses--drinks right out of the bottle. OpEd Section ...........................................................................20 the gamut of emotions--from A to B. (Erroneously When I read about the evils of drinking, I Letters to the Editor ..............................................................20 attributed to American writer Dorothy Parker, gave up reading. Here are some other one-liners Weir Only Human ................................................................22 describing the acting of Katharine Hepburn in of unknown origin: the 1933 Broadway play, The Lake.) Be nice to your kids. They’re the ones who Legal Notices ............................................................................23 Politics is the art of looking for trouble, will be choosing your nursing home. finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy and applying the wrong remedies. (American beautician. comedian Groucho Marx) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer Politics is made up of two words: “Poli,” which in public schools. is Greek for “many,” and “tics,” which are blood- The trouble with being a leader today is that sucking insects. (American author Gore Vidal) you can’t be sure whether people are following you :HVWFKHVWHU·V0RVW,QIOXHQWLDO:HHNO\ A friend asked me if I slept well. I said, “No, or chasing you. I made a few mistakes.” (American deadpan Continued on page 3 humorist Steven Wright) *XDUGLDQ1HZV&RUS 32%R[ RADIO 1HZ5RFKHOOH1HZ<RUN Joseph Crotty On the Level with Narog and Aris 6DP=KHUND3XEOLVKHU 3UHVLGHQW NEW ROCHELLE, NY – Joe Crotty is one of the candidates vying SXEOLVKHU#ZHVWFKHVWHUJXDUGLDQFRP to represent the 5th City Council District in Yonkers. He is Richard Narog’s and Hezi Aris’ guest this Tuesday, July 12, 2011, on the On the Level radio +H]L$ULV(GLWRULQ&KLHI 9LFH3UHVLGHQW show heard on the WVOX-1460 AM radio dial and on audio and visual ZK\WHGLWRU#JPDLOFRP streaming technology worldwide at www.WVOX.com from 10 – 11 a.m. For those who live and breathe radio and politics, listen to Hezi Aris on Good Morning $GYHUWLVLQJ Westchester with Bob Marrone when he and host Bob Marrone discuss all things Westchester at 1HZVDQG3KRWRV 7: 37 a.m every Wednesday. Listeners and readers are invited to send a question to the co-hosts by )D[ directing email to [email protected] for possible use prior to any shows’ airing and even during the course of an interview. 3XEOLVKHGRQOLQHHYHU\0RQGD\ 3ULQWHGLWLRQGLVWULEXWHG7XHVGD\:HGQHVGD\ 7KXUVGD\ Mea Culpa, By Hezi Aris *UDSKLF'HVLJQ:DWWHUVRQ6WXGLRV,QF We forgot to list contact information at the bottom of the article written by Abby Luby - “Hilarious, Raucous: HVSF’s Around the World in 90 Minutes.” ZDWWHUVRQVWXGLRVFR Shows are at the grounds of historic Boscobel in Garrison, New York and run through Labor Day. www.hvshakespeare.org, HVSF Box office (845) 265-9565. westchesterguardian.com THE WESTCHESTER GUARDIAN THURSDAY, JULY 14, 2011 PAGE 3 HUMOR Those who live by the The best thing about computers is that they Everyone has a photographic memory. The Anatomy of Humor—One-Liners sword get shot by those who make very fast, accurate mistakes. Some people are just out of film. Continued from page 2 don’t. The trouble with doing something right the Just when I was getting used to yesterday, The reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows Politicians and diapers should be changed first time is that nobody appreciates how diffi- along came today. where all the bad girls live. regularly--and for the same reason. cult it was. Sometimes I think I understand everything- Birth control pills are tax deductible, but only Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory. -then I regain consciousness. if they don’t work. Sometimes age comes alone. “Incontinence Hotline…Can you hold, please?” A bus station is where a bus stops. A train Did you know that half of all the people in Lead me not into temptation--I can find my I went to buy some camouflage clothing, but station is where a train stops. Now you know the world are below average? way myself. I couldn’t find it. why they call it a work station. Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “Veni, Vidi, Velcro.” Translation: I came, I The difference between capitalism and God grant me the senility to forget the “monosyllabic”? saw, I stuck around. communism is that under communism man people I never liked, the good fortune to run Why is there an expiration date on sour As you grow older, do you miss the inno- exploits man, whereas under capitalism it’s the into the ones I do like and the eyesight to tell cream? cence and idealism of your youth, or do you other way around. the difference. If the black box survives a plane crash, why mostly miss the cherry bombs? Friends help you move. Real friends help you Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow don’t they make the whole plane out of that If you are what you eat, a lot of us are dead move bodies. into a parked car. stuff? meat. For every action there is an equal and oppo- Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo. Why is “brassiere” singular and “panties” If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is defi- site criticism. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet plural? nitely not for you. He who hesitates is probably right. the sweaty things. Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it The early bird gets the worm, but it’s the I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess What’s the difference between ignorance, sounds? second mouse that gets the cheese. I should have been more specific. apathy, and ambivalence? I don’t know and I Why is it called “tourist season” if you can’t Why is it called a building when it has Middle-age is having a choice of two temp- don’t care one way or the other. shoot them? already been built?