also by arielle ford The Soulmate Secret Wabi Sabi Love Love on the Other Side Hot Chocolate for the Mystical Soul (series) Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmatea practical guide to happily ever after • Arielle Ford An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers turn your mate into your soulmate. Copyright © 2015 by Arielle Ford. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information address Harper Collins Publishers, 195 Broadway, New York, NY 10007. Harper Collins books may be purchased for educational, busi- ness, or sales promotional use. For information please e-mail the Special Markets Department at SPsales@harpercollins .com. HarperCollins website: http://www.harpercollins.com first edition Designed by Claudia Smelser Library Of Congress Cataloging-in- Publication Data Ford, Arielle. Turn your mate into your soulmate : a practical guide to happily ever after / Arielle Ford. — First edition. pages cm ISBN 978–0–06–240554–8 (hardcover) 1. Soul mates. 2. Man-woman relationships. I. Title. BF1045.I58F673 2105 306.7—dc23 2015020234 15 16 17 18 19 rrd (h) 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 For Claire Zammit Thank you for sharing your ever- expanding world of possibility, magic, and fun! I am blessed to be showered with your love, friendship, creativity, brilliance, and support. Contents Introduction 1 one It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way 11 This chapter clearly defines what a “soulmate” is and isn’t and dispels the myths about the term to create an instant shift in perception about what’s possible for your relationship. It also treats questions like “What is love?” and “Do soulmate relationships last forever?” Here we lay the groundwork for the purpose, work, and potential joy of relationship. two Understanding Men: The Martian, the Hero, and the Cave Dweller 35 You’ll learn how and why men are different and how to talk to them in a way that will get you what you want. three Transforming Your Story 61 This chapter shows how letting go of your story, whether it’s a victim story or your resignation that a relationship will never work, is a vital step on the path toward wholeness. vii four Sacred Contracts and the Dwelling Place of the Soul 89 We dive deep into the nature of the soul, reincarnation as it relates to love, sacred contracts, karma, and the impact of what happens in between lives on choosing your family. five Irreconcilable Differences Are Normal 127 Research has shown that every couple has irreconcilable dif- ferences. This chapter recognizes ways to accept each other and thrive, in spite of the mistaken notion that we should find a way to agree on everything. You will learn to create a toolkit to help you process your emotions. six Going from Annoyed to Enjoyed 157 This chapter reveals the essence of finding the beauty in imperfection, or what I call Wabi Sabi Love, in your relationship. seven The Magic Power of Three 173 You, your mate, and God/Spirit/Universe make up the magic triad of love. Will you love yourself and your mate unconditionally, and what does that really mean? This chapter shows you powerful steps to seek— and find— the unconditional love that will sustain your relationships in new and surprising ways. eight Wild Abandon: Your Brain on Love 195 It has been said that being in love is a socially acceptable form of insanity. This chapter provides the scientific research on the relationship between love, brain chemistry, and how to kick- start your way back to love and connection. viii nine The Healing Power of Love 217 In basic arithmetic, one plus one equals two. In soulmate math, one plus one equals eleven, and your love blesses the world. This chapter also explains the “marriage effect” and why turning your mate into your soulmate will not only improve your own health and increase longevity and happiness, but also impact the world. Acknowledgments 259 Resources 263 Notes 277 Credits 281 About the Author 283 ix Introduction Happily. Ever. After. I believe these are the three most dangerous words for women in love. They imply the neatly tied- up- in- a- bow end- ing of a fairy- tale kingdom we were conditioned to believe ex- ists. Real love couldn’t be farther from those castles in the sky. Even the smartest women fall into a love trance, thinking that now they have found, in their soulmate, the love of their life, that perfect elixir for all that might have gone wrong in their lives until then. During the “at- last” moment, women harbor the belief that men will naturally know how to make them happy, satisfied, and content. A love relationship with our soulmate is the perfect antidote to all that ails us. Or so we think. We’ve all heard that relationships take work, commitment, and occasional sleepless nights to strike a balance. Yet so many of us believe that real “soulmate love” will somehow be differ- ent, effortless, deserved. We fully expect that our rare, precious, and unimaginable “soulmate love” will conquer everything. 1 And then reality settles in. Sometimes it takes a year, or ten, or twenty, but at some point we find ourselves restless— or worse: angry, frustrated, disappointed, and ready to give up. We begin to wonder whether it’s time to head for divorce court. Our day- to- day reality does not match our dream of what soul- mate love should reflect. Suddenly, we perceive that our Prince Charming, our once shiny knight, has turned into a rusty, stubborn barrier to happiness and fulfillment. Even if you are blessed to be with someone who is physically, emotionally, and spiritually compatible with you, it’s likely that there are days when your mate annoys you and you wish things were different. It wasn’t predictable that I would be writing a book such as this. I was a first- time bride at the age of forty- four, a late bloomer in the love department. Here’s what happened. One morning I woke up very early. Before I opened my eyes, my right arm stretched across the pale-blue sheets of my queen- size bed, seeking the soft fur of my soulmate cat, J.B. J.B. wasn’t in his usual spot, and as my hand searched for him I became aware of the empty, vacant space in the bed. I was suddenly hit by two dark simultaneous thoughts: “Why is my bed so empty?” and “Oh my God, I forgot to get married!” As I was lying there, I began to replay my life in my head, try- ing to wrap my mind around the reality that here I was, at age forty- three, still single. It didn’t make any sense to me. I knew 2 introduction that I was relatively attractive, fit, successful, and fun and had a great life. And yet I was alone. The plain truth of the matter was this. I had put most of my time and energy into building my business. I was highly ambi- tious, and when it came to success, the more I got, the more I wanted. I had studied and mastered a variety of techniques for “manifesting” and had used them to create a career that was exceeding all of my expectations. One of my big manifesting wins resulted in the nearly in- stant creation of my first business, The Ford Group, a public- relations firm based in Beverly Hills, California. I had been working for a PR firm for three years and began having thoughts about launching my own company. A part of me didn’t really believe it was possible, because I had neither the money nor the specific training to open a public- relations firm on my own. However, that didn’t stop me. I began to imagine what it would feel like to wake up each morning ex- cited to walk into an office with my name on the door. I tried to envision what it would feel like to be able to call the shots about which clients I worked with and the ways I would suc- cessfully garner impressive results for them. Each day I would sit quietly and feel these feelings, using my imagination to see and feel the potential of having my own business. After I had been doing this process for ten days, I received a phone call from a former client, Mark, who said he and his 3 business partner wanted to take me out to lunch. I had worked with them the previous year and landed them a ton of great media spots, including an interview on Good Morning America. I really wasn’t sure why they wanted to meet me, but I was ex- cited to find out. After we ordered our meal, they got straight to the point. Mark said, “We’ve been talking about you, and we think that it’s time for you to strike out and start your own PR firm. We know how good you are, and we want to be your very first client.” Mark then reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, handed me a check in the amount of $18,000, and said, “As your first client, we are paying you our fee for one year of your ser vices, in advance. How soon can you start?” Three weeks later I opened The Ford Group, which quickly became a success.