Gaze: Fear and the Mirror by Keith Cadieux A Thesis submitted to the Faculty of Graduate Studies of The University of Manitoba inparlial fulfillment of the requirements of the degree of MASTER OF ARTS Department of English, Film, and Theatre University of Manitoba Winnipeg Copyright @ 2009 by Keith Cadieux THB UNIVBRSITY OF MANITOBA FACULTY OF GTìADUATB STUDTES COPYRIGFIT PERMTSSION Gaze: Fear and the Mirror B)' Keith Cadieux A Thesis/Placticum sulrmitted to the Faculty of Gr¿rtlu¿rtc Studies of The Univcrsity of Manitoba in ¡rartial fulfillment of the requirement of the degree of Master of Arts I(eith C¿rtlieuxO2009 Permissio¡t h¿rs been gr:rntecl to the University of M¿rnitoba Libl'¿rries to lentl ¿ì cop\¡of this tltesis/¡rrncticurn, to Libr'¿u'r' ¿rnd Archives C¿rnarl¿r (LAC) to lcnd â copy ol'this thcsis/¡rr:rcticuur, ¿rnd to LAC's:rgent (UMI/ProQuest) to microfilrn, sellco¡ries ¿rntl to ¡rublislr ¿rn ¿rtrstr¿rct of this thesis/p r:rcticum. This re¡rroduction or copy of this tltesis has been m¿rde ¿rvail¿rble lrv authority of the copyright ownet'solely for the purpose of ¡rrir,:rte stutly and reserrch, antl may only be re¡rrocluced nnd co¡ried as permitted b¡' co¡ryrigltt lan,s <¡r rvitlt cxpress rvrittcn ¿ruthoriz¿rtion fro¡n the co¡r1'¡'ioht ou,ner. Cadieux I Gaze Keith Cadieux September 20, 2008 Mirror mirror on the wall... - Snow White It's called a psychomanteum. Don't roll your eyes just yet. I know how this is going to sound. The idea stretches further back into history than you might expect, though it was the Vic- torians who really ran with it. But always, it has had to do with mirrors. The Victorians also grew obsessed with spirit photography, seances and other supernatural practices. They just so badly wanted ghosts to really exist that they let themselves believe almost anything. However, in this case, I think they were really on to something. It's a room lined with mirrors: the walls, the floor, ceiling. Everything. It didn't have to be a big room. In fact, I imagine that most of the time it wasn't. As long as the space was iso- lated, leaving whoever was inside alone with only the reflections in the tnirrors. You would sit inside in total darkness and if you stayed in the chamber long enough, spirits would start to ap- pear in the dark glass. "Apparition booth" was another name for it. I used to think of myself as an eyeroller. Skeptical. But not this time. I suppose I've al- ways been the kind of person who couldn't believe without seeing. The very notion of the psy- chomanteum and its unique power is fascinating enough, but my interest is a little more personal. Cadieux 2 Practical may even be the best word. I've seen something in the mirrors. Something that won't be ignored any longer. So I've taken on this kind of experiment and decided to document it in this journal. I've never kept anything like this before, but I figure if I keep track of everything, record the steps of the project, I rnight have something by way of proof. Something halflvay sci- entific. And it may even help me better understand what's happening. I suppose, deep down, I'm writing this document as much for rne as I am for anyone else who might be willing to read it. The first "incident" that set all this in motion occurred a number of weeks ago. I've spent most of my time since then reading up on mirrors and concepts like scrying and mirror gazing. My hope was that through research I might be able to make sense of my experience. I suppose I do understand better now than I once did. But I'rn still unsure about most everything. That in ir self really outlines the need for this experiment. There is still much to explain if you are going to understand what I'm trying to do. I find it hard to put all this down on paper but I've resolved to divulge all that I can. The doors and windows are locked, the phone disconnected. I hope that I have at least made clear the basics of my psychomanteum experiment: I'm going to build one.. As I was saying, this incident occurred some time ago. It happened one night while I was working late. I work at a big-box hardware store and they only have part-time available at the moment. I have to wear an orange smock. It's only a temporary arrangement, I assure you. It does pay the rent on my little one bedroom apar|ment though it certainly isn't the kind ofjob I had in mind while I was trudging my way through grad school. I can't stop myself from thinking that I should be well beyond retail jobs by now. Living in a house of my own. I certainly didn't imagine living alone, either. Cadieux 3 On this particular night, I had been scheduled to work until closing time and my supervi- sor presented me with a rare but completely unenviable opportunity. "I need one more stock person to stay late tonight and rearrange the last two sections of housewares," he said. He wasn't making a request. There was no one else for him to ask and he had already started pulling on his cheap windbreaker before he had even finished his sentence. Of course I didn't want to stay there any later. Part of me wanted to refuse just out of spite. Leave him in the lurch. Let him stay late and rearrange the aisles, if he wanted it done so badly. But I needed the money, even though it wouldn't be much. And let's be honest, I didn't have anywhere else to be. I told him I would stay. "Good," he said, as though there were no other possible answer for me to give him. "Kyle and Mandy are staying too, so it shouldn't take you guys long. And even if it does, you're only authorized one hour of over-time pay. Tops." He made a swift horizontal motion with his hand as he said that last word. He even raised his eyebrows. Then he ducked under the half-closed secu- rity gate that spanned across the main entrance. I pulled it down the rest of the way. The lock is rnounted into the floor so I had to get down on my knees to use the key and secure the gate for the night. Just then the clocks hit 11:15 and the store switched to safety lights. It's an automatic system meant to save po\iler while the store is closed, but there's no way to get the main lights back on if there are still people inside. The only illumination came from small emergency bulbs fixed atop metal boxes bolted high up on the wall. Only inches from the 25 foot ceiling. They gave offa dull yellowish glow in comparison to the unnatural white of the regular fluorescent bulbs. Feeling the last burst of late summer heat and looking through the metal slats and bars of the security gate,I could see that it was acf'sally brighter out in the parking lot. Even that late, Cadieux 4 there was still a hint of daylight just offthe horizon. I dusted the front of my pants as I stood and put the gate key back in my pocket. Standing in the dark then, with no idea how much longer I might be stuck at the store, hoping I wouldn't miss the last bus of the night, I sincerely regretted having the good sense to stay and put in some overtime. My two co-workers for this late-night task were Mandy and Kyle, the store's newest ill- conceived romantic pairing. Mandy's not so bad, I guess. She's pretfy, in a heavy metal kind of way. Kyle, on the other hand, has held the same position at this store ever since high school.'We went to the same one. That made it hard for me to even take a job like this, once it became clear that things were not going to turn out according to my plan. I've always tried to ignore people like Kyle. The schoolyard alpha male. I'm sure you know the type. The guy who would push you hard into the lockers if he passed you in the hallway. Or even slap your face and stare you down. Just so that anyone watching would see you back away and he could stand there, triumphant. It was always so infuriating that I was never able to ignore it cornpletely. And once I was accepted into grad school and I knew he was still working at the hardware store, for the first time it made me feel superior. Like finally I could stand triumphant. That I had won. But we seem to have ended up in the same place, though he hasn't taken the disappointing detour that I have. The boss hadn't even driven out of the parking lot when Mandy and Kyle started groping each other and making breathy giggling sounds. Whenever I was present for this kind of display, Kyle would put his hands all over her and look me right in the eye with a cocþ smile.