EXPLORING ARRANGED MARRIAGES IN MY FAMILY: NEGOTIATIONS OF CULTURE, FAMILY, GENDER, AND LOVE IN THE ADVENTURES OF MARRIAGE ^ Janaki Santhiveeran, Ph.D., California State Univeristy, Long Beach ••:^ ; }"; The purpose of this narrative is to explain how arranged marriage is an integral part of an Indian family, to describe how marriages are arranged, and to offer explanations for the acceptance of arranged marriages by educated women of Indian origin. Additionally, the author illustrates ihe changes that have occurred in arranged marriages over the decades by presenting the arranged marriages of her parents, her sisters, and her own. The author discusses how girls in her family were socialized to accept marriages arranged by their parents, and illustrates how love before marriage was frowned upon in her family and in India when she was growing up. When I came to this country ten years have more than doubled since 1990 (4.5 ago, even strangers on college campuses million). The majority ofthe Indian couples I stopped and asked me questions about have met in the U.S. over the past decade arranged marriages. After my marriage, had arranged marriages despite their whenever students asked me some personal education and western lifestyle. An questions, the concept of arranged marriage understanding of arranged marriage as an always came up. I was looked at with integral part of East Indian family life is disbehef. "Your marriage was arranged, too? important for social work practitioners and Does it exist?" Such questions motivated me family practitioners so they can develop to address some of the myths that are sensitivity toward couples whose marriages associated with arranged marriage and how are arranged and understand arranged the tradition of arranged marriage has evolved marriage as a complex social phenomenon. over the years by presenting the case First, I discuss the life style in India when I examples of arranged marriages in my family. was growing up. Second, I discuss how girls The purpose of this article is to explain were socialized to accept arranged marriage how arranged marriage is an integral part of in our lives and how love before marriage was an Indian family, to describe how marriages chastised in my family and in India. are arranged, and to discuss how gender plays Throughout our lives we were reminded an important role in the acceptance of that marriage is to be a happy union of families, arranged marriage. In addition, I illustrate the a source of blessings from relatives, and negotiations of culture, family, gender, and recognized by the community. Marriage was love in the adventures of arranged marriages. considered as a place for developing new Indians fiom Asia are referred to as East relationships and for promoting the Indians by the Census Bureau. East Indians networking of families and family interests. We are ranked third among the Asian groups were socialized to believe that only "arranged (Census, 2002a). Of 11.9 million Asians marriage" would be conducive to developing living in the United States in 2000,1.9 million a healthy relationship between the families of were East Indian origin. More than half of a couple. There was always some arranged those (1.007 million) were bom in India or marriage being planned in my family, as I had outside ofthe United States (Census, 2002b). eleven aunts and uncles and several cousins. Foreign-bom East Indians living in the U.S. Every year we had one or two marriages of 26 REFLECTIONS - WINTER 2005 Exploring Arranged Marriages in My Family my cousins. The success of a majority ofthe our teenage years. This is the strategy many ; arranged marriages in my family showed tiiat fatiiers use to discipline tiieir daughters, and . arranged marriage does work. Parents and my father was not an exception. We did not relatives reminded us through their actions and like my mother getting into trouble. My I:, words that marriage is the elders ' business mother was less authoritarian but reminded and not the business of a boy or a girl. My us often that "your father may not like that." mother was certain that "we will find a boy for you from a respectable family." Love and Modesty Schools and colleges discouraged any Growing up Female in India discussion of love before marriage and seldom India is a gendered society where the roles permitted any public demonstration of love of men and women are distinct Women were such as kissing or hugging. Schools and mostly passive in the Indian culture, and men colleges sometimes took drastic disciplinary typically were the primary breadwinners and actions by as suspending students who managers of issues requiring interaction with demonstrated romance in college/school individuals in tiie community, such as arranging campuses. Early attractions and cmshes were marriages fortheir children (Mahajan, 1996). responded to at tiie teasing level among friend, My family was not an exception; my mom and we advised one another not to go beyond was a stay at home mother and my father was what was acceptable by our society and otir the only breadwinner and had final say in famuy family members. Getting phone calls from decisions. My father financed the education boys was forbidden in several families. Dating ofall his children. was out of the question. However, we all My parents were extremely strict with socialized as a "group" by studying together, girls; we were not allowed to stay out after helping one another, and attending trips and dusk and had a strict curfew. Girls in my family camps arranged by the school. Only a small were not allowed to travel on our own for number of courageous women and men dared more than a couple of hours. My parents to exchange "love letters" or to meet secretly always made sure that we were safe, as at their own risk behind the scenes. These chastity and virginity are highly respected in types of dating behaviors are mostly forbidden East Indian marriages. We girls were trained in families and schools in India. My aunts were to focus on our studies and family tasks. We firm that "love or dating occurs only in fantasy attended only a limited number of trips or movies; it wül not work in real Ufe." Stories, sponsored by our schools. Occasionally, we movies, and news highlights associated with were actively involved in girl scouts and other love before marriage showed that these were extra-curricular activities and attended camps usually followed by elopement and were and other trips, which were special privileges. viewed as having a negative effect on good My parents usually distracted us from teen relationships between the families ofthe bride activities. Early attractions were chastised as and groom. Therefore, "love marriages" were shameful and unacceptable by both school not highlighted as being happy marriages when and family. I grew up in India. The dress code was strict. "Guard We were taught all along through a Tamil yourself. Do not make others look at you by proverb: "Kal [stone] analum dressing differently, by leaving hair untied, or kanavan[husband], pul [grass] analum by laughing loud." My father blamed my pumsan[husband]." Stone is used in the mother if we ever did not abide by the proverb for "hard-hearted person" or "a expected dress codes or curfew times during person with no emotions" and grass is used REFLECTIONS - WINTER 2005 27 Exploring Arranged Marriages in My Family for "useless person" or "a person of no value." village and completed high school just before The tentative meaning of the proverb is, "Even her marriage. Their families lived 50 miles if you have a hard-hearted husband like a apart. Within the fifty-mile radius there were stone accept him as your husband and even if hundreds of small villages. During that time, you have a useless husband like grass accept the main form of transportation was a bullock him as your husband." When I asked my cart to connect to neighboring villages. Public mother about the inherent meaning of the transportation was rare in the villages. Several proverb she stated, "Accept your husband children, including my mother and father, as he is and live with him." Since husbands walked three to five miles to attend school. are chosen mainly by family members, the My mother's village did not get a formal road proverb probably emerged to encourage or public transportation until the late 1970s. women to accept their husbands "as is." Despite lack of formal communication Moreover, men and women are required to between villages, arranged marriages existed, honor the choices of their parents and elders due to active grass-root, caste-based in their family as India is a coUectivist society organizations and mutual friends. My father's (Sinha, Sinha, Verma, & Sinha, 2001). Family and mother's family members were total cohesion and conformity is given importance sfrangers to each other and they were not in traditional Indian marriages. Romance or related by blood or by any means. My father's compatibility or feeling is not given and mother's family met due to a mutual importance. ftiend, whom my mom met and interacted with When I was in my teen years, for the flrst when she and her classmates went to a nearby time in my family one of my cousins chose a town to take their high school flnal-year exam. "love marriage" by dating a girl who was not My father saw my mother at a traditional family selected by his parents. That created much bride viewing at my mother's house. Their shame in my family as several people made parents arranged the marriage because my fim of his marriage in front of my mother.