Relationship Anarchy - Discussion Group 2017 ​ Metro Detroit Polyamory - http://detroitpoly.org ​ Session 2: Why Consider Relationship Anarchy? Welcome ● Introductory info about this discussion group, our Meetup, format of breakout groups/breaks, etc. ● We’re here to learn and explore together; be respectful & stay on topic. Icebreaker Discussion Question: What would we like to get out of these discussions, what brings you here? Today let’s discuss topics around why we might want to learn about or practice RA - What might we hope to learn, practice, value, and celebrate/enjoy in our lives? ● Brainstorming: What do you value in life and in relationships (consent, adventure, sex, authenticity, addressing unearned privilege, leaving the world better than you found it, etc.)? Prereading Read these excerpts ahead to prepare for our meeting - love to do homework and want more? See the link to more reading links and some great introductory videos on RA in the Meetup event description. Pre-Reading #1 Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator by Amy Gahran, preview a larger section of the ​ ​ ebook: http://offescalator.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/OffEsc-book-1-PREVIEW.pdf ​ “1. Monogamy. Under current social norms, this means a closed relationship where sex and romance are shared ​ ​ ​ exclusively between two, and only two, partners. Actually, monogamy is more about who you’re not allowed to share sex or romance with — since sex and/or romance commonly wanes within long-term monogamous relationships. Consensually nonmonogamous relationships (in which everyone involved knows the relationship is not exclusive, see Part 2) are the most visible, and perhaps the most common, way that people step off the Escalator. Some approaches to consensual nonmonogamy include polyamory, swinging, don’t ask don’t tell, or being monogamish. 2. Merging. When people couple up on the Relationship Escalator, they are expected to eventually move in together ​ ​ and otherwise blend the infrastructure of their daily lives, such as sharing finances. Furthermore, Escalator partners tend to merge their identities to some extent. They start to view and present themselves as a unit, such as saying “we” more often than “I.” Relationships where people deliberately choose not to substantially merge can be considered more autonomous (see Part 3). This might include choosing not to live together at all, or not full time. It also can mean not treating partners as default companions or emotional support, socializing separately, or making big choices (like career moves) independently. 3. Hierarchy. Under social norms, some types of relationships typically are deemed most important, and thus get to ​ ​ trump other relationships by default in many situations. This means an Escalator partner typically is deemed more important than almost every other adult relationship, such as friendships. (Parenting, and certain other responsibilities to your immediate family, tend to be permissible exceptions.) But off the Escalator, especially in consensual nonmonogamy, hierarchy gets more complex and can become ethically and emotionally fraught. In egalitarian Relationship Anarchy - Discussion Group 2017 ​ Metro Detroit Polyamory - http://detroitpoly.org ​ relationships (see Part 4), decisions about spending time, attention and other resources are made case-by-case, not based on default ranking of relationships. 4. Sexual connection. People tend to assume that Escalator partners do, or at least at some point did, have sex with ​ ​ each other. Also, it’s widely assumed that if an Escalator relationship is healthy and strong, that means partners should still be having sex with each other — barring considerations such as age, illness or disability. There’s a subtle stigma that if partners never connected sexually, there’s something wrong with, or at least not fully valid about, that relationship. However, many people fall along the spectrum of asexuality: sex is not an important, necessary or desirable part of their intimate experience. Also, people who do enjoy and desire sex sometimes choose to form committed nonsexual relationships, even life- entwined partnerships, with people who are not their sexual partners (see Part 5). 5. Continuity and consistency, at least as a goal. The Escalator is a continuous, one-way trip. Escalator relationships ​ ​ aren’t supposed to pause or step back to a less-merged state. Also, Escalator partners have defined, permanent roles — for instance, partners aren’t supposed to shift between being lovers and platonic friends. (Well, actually this does often happen in long-term traditional relationships, but it’s usually not overtly acknowledged.) And finally, the Escalator is supposed to last forever; death is the only way to end an Escalator relationship that isn’t automatically branded a failure. Nevertheless, many intimate relationships are fluid (shifting form or roles over time), discontinuous (on/off, or pause/play) or finite (agreeably limited by time or context, such as a summer romance). These can be deeply meaningful and significant — even though by Escalator standards such relationships may be dismissed as insignificant, unhealthy, a waste of time or a failure (see Part 6)”1 Pre-Reading #2 What does ‘Relationship Anarchy’ mean to you? February 17, 2016 by runawaykitten ​ ​ ​ ​ “For me, relationship anarchy means that every relationship I have with anybody is dictated entirely by the people in that relationship based on our own desires, not on what society or anyone else tells us our relationship should be like, or what label they attach to it. It also has a built in acceptance of change, a knowledge that our feelings could be very different tomorrow, or even in the next minute, or might evolve slowly over time. Relationship Anarchy is often put on one end of the polyamorous scale, on the opposite end to hierarchical polyamory, but I disagree with that. I say it’s perfectly possible to follow the principles of relationship anarchy and choose to be sexually monogamous, if that is the conclusion that two people come to when they genuinely communicate their authentic desires to one another. However there must always be that space for continued communication about desires as they change. To expect that they will never change is the biggest lie traditional monogamy tells us. ‘Relationship’ is a very broad term for me, and can encompass everything from my sexual relationships to my relationship with the shop assistant I smile at when I buy my yoghurt. Relationship anarchy opens up an infinite spectrum of possible relationships that fall between the gaps of the frustratingly simple relationship terms society has like ‘friend’, ‘lover’, ‘boyfriend’, ‘colleague’, ‘family’, ‘fuck-buddy’… I’ve had incredibly intimate and significant non sexual relationships, and I’ve had sexual liaisons that were simply fun. The elevation of sexual relationships above others makes no sense to me. Labels can be a useful way of communicating to people what a given relationship is 1Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Copyright © 2017 by Amy Gahran, all rights reserved. Website: OffEscalator.com ​ ​ Relationship Anarchy - Discussion Group 2017 ​ Metro Detroit Polyamory - http://detroitpoly.org ​ like, but we haven’t to lose sight of the fact that it is a huge simplification. Labels should not box in a relationship, rather they should evolve as the relationship evolves. Relationship anarchy requires a high level of communication and understanding of the self. For it to work you must continuously communicate your desires for what you want your relationship to be. The first step on that road is actually working out what your desires are. The second step is to be able to say things you think the other person will find it difficult to hear. The third step is to be able to listen with compassion to things that you yourself find it difficult to hear. You are soon confronted with every lie you have ever told yourself, every insecurity that hides in your heart. You must dive into the deepest darkest parts of yourself and document the monsters that live there. And you must understand that we are all human, and we all make mistakes, and be forgiving and compassionate of both yourself and the people who share your life as you journey through it. It can be a very challenging path to take, but for me it’s the only one that allows me to live life to its fullest potential.“2 Discussion Question(s) or Prompt(s) 1. What is the Relationship Escalator, and why would anyone want to be aware of it, or options to step off? 2. How could practicing RA potentially support my values (even if I’m not yet “sure” about RA of course, this is just a thought experiment)? 3. What sets RA apart from other forms of nonmonogamy or nontraditional relationships? [We will talk about this more at our next session, in depth, but for now a brief discussion.] Follow up for Session: Preview: Next session, Definitions of RA and “RA Is Not Post-Poly”. What worked about this session? What didn’t? What topics are we particularly interested in exploring at future meetings? 2What Does RA Mean to me? https://askmittens.wordpress.com/2016/02/17/what-does-relationship-anarchy-mean-to-you-2/ .