By th.e same author • • Dusklands Age of Iron In the Heart of the Cou1ttry Waiting for the Ba.rbcm'ans Life & Times of Michael K Foe J.M. COETZ,EE Seeker & Warburg London By th.e same author • • Dusklands Age of Iron In the Heart of the Cou1ttry Waiting for the Ba.rbcm'ans Life & Times of Michael K Foe J.M. COETZ,EE Seeker & Warburg London First published in Great Britain in 1990 For by Martin Seeker & Warburg Limited Michelin House, 81 .Fulham Road, London SWJ 6RB V.H.M..C. (1904-1985) z.c. (1912-1988) Copyright© 1990].. M. Coetzee N.G.C. (1966-1989) A CIP catalogue r'ecord for this book is availabl'e from the British Library ISBN 0 43,6 20012 0 Photoset by Rowland Phototypesetting Limited Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk Printed in Great Britain by Richard Clay Limited, Bungay,, Suffolk First published in Great Britain in 1990 For by Martin Seeker & Warburg Limited Michelin House, 81 .Fulham Road, London SWJ 6RB V.H.M..C. (1904-1985) z.c. (1912-1988) Copyright© 1990].. M. Coetzee N.G.C. (1966-1989) A CIP catalogue r'ecord for this book is availabl'e from the British Library ISBN 0 43,6 20012 0 Photoset by Rowland Phototypesetting Limited Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk Printed in Great Britain by Richard Clay Limited, Bungay,, Suffolk T-here is an alley down the side of the garage, you may remember it, you and your friends would sometimes play ther,e. Now it is a dead place, waste, without use, where windblown leaves pi'fe up and rot. -~e~t.erday, at the end of this alley, I came upon a house of carton boxes and plastic sheeting and a man cuded up inside, a man I recognized from the streets: tall, thin, with a weath­ ered skin and long, carious fangs., wearing a baggy grey suit and a hat with a sagging brim. He had the hat on now,. sleeping with the bdm foMed under his ear. A dereiict,. one of the derelicts who hang around the parking lots on Mill Street, cadging money from shoppers, drinking under the flyov·er, eating out of refuse cans. One of the homeless for whom August,. month of ~~iJ!~S the \!!_ors.!_!!l(l!l_!h:_ Asleep in his box, his legs stretched out like a'-marionette''S;<·his jaw agape. An unsavoury smell about hinf~:urine, sweet wine, mouldy clothing, and something eise too .. Unclean .. For a while I stood staring down on him,, staring and smelling. A visitm, visiting himself on me on this of all days. This was the day when I had the news from Dr Syfret. The news was not good, but it was mine, for me, mine only, not to be refused. It was fm me to take in my arms and fold to my chest and take home, without headshaking., without tears . 3 . T-here is an alley down the side of the garage, you may remember it, you and your friends would sometimes play ther,e. Now it is a dead place, waste, without use, where windblown leaves pi'fe up and rot. -~e~t.erday, at the end of this alley, I came upon a house of carton boxes and plastic sheeting and a man cuded up inside, a man I recognized from the streets: tall, thin, with a weath­ ered skin and long, carious fangs., wearing a baggy grey suit and a hat with a sagging brim. He had the hat on now,. sleeping with the bdm foMed under his ear. A dereiict,. one of the derelicts who hang around the parking lots on Mill Street, cadging money from shoppers, drinking under the flyov·er, eating out of refuse cans. One of the homeless for whom August,. month of ~~iJ!~S the \!!_ors.!_!!l(l!l_!h:_ Asleep in his box, his legs stretched out like a'-marionette''S;<·his jaw agape. An unsavoury smell about hinf~:urine, sweet wine, mouldy clothing, and something eise too .. Unclean .. For a while I stood staring down on him,, staring and smelling. A visitm, visiting himself on me on this of all days. This was the day when I had the news from Dr Syfret. The news was not good, but it was mine, for me, mine only, not to be refused. It was fm me to take in my arms and fold to my chest and take home, without headshaking., without tears . 3 . 'Thank you, doctor,' I said: 'thank you for being frank .. ' 'We which every echo has faded, where the very tread of footsole will do everything we can,' he said, 'we will tack[e this on board is Hat and duUl How I longed for you to be here, together .. ' But already, behind the comradely front, I could to hold me, comfort me! I begin to-understand the true .... see he was withdrawing. Sauve qui peut. His allegiance to the meaning of the embraoe. We embrace to be embraced. We l ,\~t.l;: living, not the dying .. embrace our children to be folded in the arm~ of the future, I\') The trembling began only when I got out of the car .. By to pass ourselves on beyond death, to be g:_a[l~~9rt~~· That is the time I had dosed the garage door I was shaking aU over: how it was when I embraced you, always .. We bear children to stiH it I had to dench my teeth, grip my handbag .. It was in order to be mothered by them .. Home truths, a mother's then that I saw the boxes, saw him. truth: from now to the end that is aU you will hear from me. 'What are you doing here?' I demanded,. hearing the irri­ So: how I longed for you! How I longed to be able to go tation in my voice, not checking it. 'You can'·t stay, you must upstaiirs to you, to sit on your bed, run my fingers through go.' your hair,. whisper in your ear as. I did on school mornings, He did not stir, lying in his shelter, [ooking up,. inspecting 'Tiime to get up!' And then, when you turned over, your the winter stockings, the blue coat, the skirt with whos·e hang body blood-warm, your breath milky, to take you in my there has always been something wrong, the grey hair cut by arms in what we called 'giving Mommy a big hug,' the secret a strip of scalp, old w~man's scalp, pink, babyish. meaning of which, the meaning never spoken, was that Then he drew in his legs and leisurely got up. Without a Mommy should not be sad, for she would not die but live word he turned his back on me, shook out the black p[astic, on m you. folded it in half, in quarters, in eighths. He produced a bag To live! You are my life; I love you as I love life itself. In (Air Canada, it said) and zipped it shut .. [ stood aside. Leaving the mornings I come out of the hous·e and wet my finger and behind the boxes, an empty botde and a smeU of urine, he hoM it up to the wind. When the chill iis from the north-west, passed me .. His trousers sagged; he hitched them up. I waited from your quarter, I stand a long time sniffing, concentrating to be sure he had gone, and hea.rd him stow the plastic in the my attention in the hope that across ten thousand miles of hedge from the other side .. land and sea some breath will reach me of the milkiness you Two things, then, in the space of an hop~he qe;~s~Js>n_g still carry with you behind your ears, in the fo]d of your neck. dreaded, and this r·~conn.aissance, this ~~_:nnun~atio~l1·) The first task laid on me,. from today: to resist the craving The first of the carn~1!-b1!'.~2. prompt, unerring~~HOw Tong to share my death. Loving you, loving life, to forgive the can I fend them oft? The scavengers of Cape Town,. whose living and take my leave without bitterness. To embrace number never dwindles. Who go bare and feel no cold. Whoi. death as my own, mine alone .. sleep outdoors and do not sicken. Who starve and do not !;, To whom this writing then? The answer: to you hut not waste. Warmed from within by akohol .. The contagions and 1 to you; to me; to you in me. infections in their blood consumed in liquid flame. Cleaners­ AU afternoon I trie9. to keep myself busy., deaning out up after the feast. Flies, dry-winged, glazen-ey~d, pitH·ess. drawers, sorting and discarding papers. At dusk I came out My heirs. ·~ ·~ · again. Behind the garage the shelter was set up as before with With what slow steps did I enter this empty house, from the black plastic neatly spanned over it. Inside lay the man, . 4. 5 .. 'Thank you, doctor,' I said: 'thank you for being frank .. ' 'We which every echo has faded, where the very tread of footsole will do everything we can,' he said, 'we will tack[e this on board is Hat and duUl How I longed for you to be here, together .. ' But already, behind the comradely front, I could to hold me, comfort me! I begin to-understand the true .... see he was withdrawing. Sauve qui peut. His allegiance to the meaning of the embraoe.