Deep Thoughts 1- We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse. 2- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 3- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 4- There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't. 5- Think of a number. Multiply it by 3. Now add 5. Take away the number you first thought of. Now add 7. Subtract 2. Add back the number you first thought of. Now, close your eyes. Dark, isn't it? 6- Reasons not to exercise It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. 7- A woman told her husband that her credit card had been stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than she did. 8- HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER - LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW 9- When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and tell them to fuck off. 10- The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin and your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you are not. But you only have the one asshole. Feel better? 11- We're all familiar with The Darwin Awards. Next come the Stella Awards, named after Stella Leibeck who suffered third degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonalds coffee on herself. She was driving at the time. Celebrate, if you will, America's most frivolous lawsuits: 1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle falling over a child who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were surprised by the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little bastard was Mrs Robertson's son. 2. 19 year old Carl Truman of LA won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand in a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman hadn't noticed that there was anyone at the wheel of the vehicle before trying to steal the hub-caps. 3. Terrence Dickinson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he has just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was unable to open the garage door from inside, and the door back into the house had locked shut behind him. The house owners were on vacation. Mr Dickinson found himself locked in the garage for eight days with just two bottle of Pepsi and a bag of dog biscuits to live on. He sued the homeowner, and received half a million dollars for undue mental anguish. 4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by a beagle. The beagle was chained up in it's owners yard. The award was a little less than first thought, given that the jury agreed that Mr Williams had provoked the dog by shooting it repeatedly with an air gun. 5.A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster $113,000 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was only on the floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6.Kara Walton of Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club after she fell from the bathroom window and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak out and avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12, 000 and dental expenses. And the winner is: Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. Upon leaving the dealership, he pulled onto the freeway, set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly made his way into the back to make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the vehicle left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 and a new Winnie. Winnebago actually changed their handbooks in case another complete moron decided to buy one of their vehicles. 12- Real Quotes “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -- Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -- Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert DE Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams 13- When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 14- Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago ************** Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer ************* Good: Your son is finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you ************** Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: You're in them *************** Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them ************** Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better than you ***************** Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections *************** Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas *************** Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's your best friend ************** Good: Your daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do 15- The long term implications of modern drugs must be fully considered: Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them. 16- Some Fun Sex Theories 1. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 2. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 3. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 4. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 5. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 6. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 7. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.