KING HEROD THE GREAT AND HEROD ANTIPATROS HEROD THE GREAT HEROD ANTIPAS HDT WHAT? INDEX HEROD ANTIPATROS KING HEROD 73 BCE At about this point Herod the Great was born as the 2d son of Antipater the Idumaean and Cypros, a Nabatean. “NARRATIVE HISTORY” IS FABULATION, HISTORY IS CHRONOLOGY HDT WHAT? INDEX KING HEROD HEROD ANTIPATROS 48 BCE Antipater the Idumaean sent his older son Phasael to Judaea to be governor of Jerusalem and his younger son Herod (who would come to be known as “Herod the Great”) to be governor of nearby Galilee. Cleopatra was removed from power by Theodotas and Achillas. HDT WHAT? INDEX HEROD ANTIPATROS KING HEROD “NARRATIVE HISTORY” AMOUNTS TO FABULATION, THE REAL STUFF BEING MERE CHRONOLOGY HDT WHAT? INDEX KING HEROD HEROD ANTIPATROS 43 BCE At about this point Lucius Munatius Plancus was directed by the Roman senate to found, at what would become the city of Lyon, a town called Lugdunum. Antipater the Idumaean granted financial support to the murderers of Julius Caesar, an act which brought chaos, and then was poisoned. Herod the Great, with the support of the Roman Army, executed his father’s poisoner. When Antigonus attempted to seize the throne from his uncle Hyrcanus, Herod the Great defeated him (without, however, managing to capture and kill him) and then, to secure for himself a claim to the throne, took Hyrcanus’s teenage niece, Mariamne (known as Mariamne I), to wife. Inconveniently, he already had a wife, named Doris, and a three-year-old son, named Antipater III — and so he banished both of them. (Over and above, or in between, pulling incestuous stunts like the above, Herod the Great would rebuild the Great Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem. You can’t quite make it out on the coin above, due to rusting, but what is being depicted on the obverse side is this famous temple from the time of Jesus.) NOBODY COULD GUESS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN NEXT HDT WHAT? INDEX HEROD ANTIPATROS KING HEROD 42 BCE Herod the Great took the line, in presenting himself before Mark Antony and Octavian, that although his father had indeed helped Julius Caesar’s murderers, this had been done only under duress. Evidently they were sufficiently persuaded, or were willing to pretend that they were sufficiently persuaded, for they would appoint him tetrarch of Galilee. This would of course bring a potful of trouble, as many Jews still considered this Herodian family, recent converts and good friends of the Roman intrusives, despite the undeniable fact of the rebuilding of the holy temple in Jerusalem, to be what you might term fake Jews. Yet more altercations involving our favorite pushy people, the Romans: 1st Philippi battle, fought to a draw between Antony and incidentally Octavian, versus M. Junius Brutus and C. Cassius Longinus, and then the 2nd Philippi battle, fought by M. Antonius and Octavian Caesar versus M. Junius Brutus (C. Cassius Longinus having committed suicide) — restoring the Pax Romana. Death of M. Junius Brutus. (Dissension would soon break out between Octavian Caesar and Mark Antony, rupturing the Pax Romana.) HDT WHAT? INDEX KING HEROD HEROD ANTIPATROS 40 BCE Fulvia died. Presumably, therefore, by this time Octavian had written the six lines mentioning her that have been preserved for us by Martial, a little poem that presents us with four uses of the Latin verb futuo, to fuck. It is to be noted that one of these lines presents the verb as coming from the mouth of Fulvia, a woman — which must have made this little poem even more problematic: Quod futuit Glaphyran Antonius, hanc mihi poenam Fulvia constituit, se quoque uti futuam. Fulviam ego ut futuam? quid si me Manius oret pedicem? faciam? non, puto, si sapiam. “aut futue aut pugnemus” ait. quid quod mihi vita carior est ipsa mentula? signa canant! A LITERAL TRANSLATION, DEVOID OF ANY ATTEMPT AT POETRY: “Because Antony is fucking Glaphyra, Fulvia decrees the following penalty for me, that I should fuck her too. I fuck Fulvia? What if Manius begged me to bugger him? Should I do it? Not, I think, if I had any sense. ‘Either fuck or fight,’ she says. What of the fact that my penis is dearer to me than life itself? Let the trumpets sound!” HDT WHAT? INDEX HEROD ANTIPATROS KING HEROD Antigonus attempted again the seize the throne, this time with the help of the Parthians. This time he was more successful and Herod the Great was forced to flee to Rome and ask the Romans to intercede with their legions. The Roman Senate appointed Herod as “King of the Jews.” At Brundisium a treaty was forged between the Triumvirs Octavian, Antony, and Lepidus: Octavian was to focus his operations in the West (Spain, Sardinia, Sicily, Transalpine Gaul, Narbonne), Antony in the East (Macedonia, Asia, Bithynia, Cilicia, Syria), and Lepidus in Africa (Tunisia, Algeria). Mark Antony returned to Italy and got married with Octavian Caesar’s sister Octavia, this of course meaning that he was somehow being expected to set not Egypt but Cleopatra aside. However, six month after he left Alexandria and Cleopatra, she gave birth to fraternal twins, first Alexander Helios (“Sun”) and then Cleopatra Selene (“Moon”). HDT WHAT? INDEX KING HEROD HEROD ANTIPATROS 39 BCE It seemed like a good idea at the time in Rome, so Mark Antony and Octavian Caesar appointed their friend Herod the Great to be king of Judea. At Tarentum a treaty was forged in which Antony and Octavian ceded the major islands of Sicily, Sardinia, and Corsica in the Mediterranean Sea to Sextus Pompeius as a “protectorate.” Octavian Caesar took as his wife Scribonia, a relative of Sextus Pompeius, with whom he would have one daughter who would be called Julia. Antony returned to Athens with his wife Octavia, Octavian’s sister. His legate Ventidius restored order in Syria and Asia Minor. Octavia gave birth to Antonia Major, grandmother of the emperor Nero. THE FUTURE CAN BE EASILY PREDICTED IN RETROSPECT HDT WHAT? INDEX HEROD ANTIPATROS KING HEROD 37 BCE The mandate of the 2d Triumvirate consisting of Octavian Caesar, Mark Antony, and Lepidus (although this 3d member was no longer around) was renewed by the Senate of Rome for an additional 5 years. Romans legions subdued Judaea, and with the execution of Antigonus, the Hasmonean dynasty ended. Herod the Great, who had been named by the Roman Senate as King of the Jews, took up his duties as sole ruler in Judaea and assumed for himself the title basileus, beginning a Herodian Dynasty (he would rule there for 34 years). Antony sent his wife Octavia back to Italy pregnant with their 2d child, and Cleopatra joined him in Antioch. HDT WHAT? INDEX KING HEROD HEROD ANTIPATROS (Presumably she had left their tiny twins Helios and Selene back home at the palace in Egypt.) At the naval base of Naples Marcus Vispanius Agrippa was training a great new fleet. HDT WHAT? INDEX HEROD ANTIPATROS KING HEROD 20 BCE King Herod the Great began an attempt to restore the splendor of the Great Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem. This King of the Jews’s Samaritan wife, Malthace, gave birth to Herod Antipatros (who would be nicknamed “Antipas”). HDT WHAT? INDEX KING HEROD HEROD ANTIPATROS 4 BCE Judas, son of Hezekiah, Messiah claimant #1. Simon of Peraea, Messiah claimant #2. Athronges the shepherd, Messiah claimant #3. By some estimates, Jesus of Nazareth was born in Bethlehem in Roman Palestine. Herod the Great died and his son Herod Antipas (Herod Antipatros) became Tetrarch of Galilee and Peraea. HDT WHAT? INDEX HEROD ANTIPATROS KING HEROD 3 BCE September 11: According to THE BIRTH OF CHRIST RECALCULATED by Ernest L. Martin (a treatise which has been authored subsequent to the September 11, 2001 destruction of the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City by terrorists!), Jesus Christ’s date of birth must have been September 11th (in 3 BCE, that is, precisely 2003 years before). This author is basing this calculation in part upon an eclipse of the moon that is known to have occurred shortly before the death of Herod because it was reported by Flavius Josephus in ANTIQUITIES. However, the reason why it never so much as occurred to anybody before, that this lunar eclipse might have been momentous, and that September 11th might actually be Christmas Day, is that until the US was attacked on this day in this manner nobody had learned that this was a day of very special significance. The Moslem terrorists hadn’t so much brazenly assaulted the United States of America, you see, as they had impiously assaulted the entire Christian religion. –The complete, perfectly airtight legitimation story for a Crusade! –Destroy the infidel! SKY EVENT HDT WHAT? INDEX KING HEROD HEROD ANTIPATROS 6 CE The 1st Roman tax census of Iudaea, with the tax revolt of the Zealots: Judah of Gamala & Saddok the Pharisee [JEWISH ANTIQUITIES 18. 4, THE JEWISH WAR 2. 118]. Judas the Galilean, Messiah claimant #4. Herod Archelaus was deposed by Augustus Caesar of Rome; Samaria, Judea and Idumea were annexed as the province of Iudaea under direct Roman administration, with its capitol at Caesarea.1 1. Roman Emperor Gaius Augustus Octavianus Caesar (43 BCE-14 CE) conducted a joint Judaism and Samaritan hearing. The Samaritans accused Archelaus (4 B.C - 6 CE) Tetrarch of Judaea and Sumeria, the son of King Herod (40-4 BCE) of cruelty toward the people. Both groups who seldom joined forces demanded the abolition of the monarchy. It is noteworthy that the Zealot sect of Galilee is extremely nationalistic in their beliefs.