Modern family Season 3 Episode 01 Captain : We're beginning our initial descent into Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Thank you for flying United. Phil : Reckon we'll be landing soon. Claire : Phil, honey, you promised... not till we got there. Phil : This year, we're going to a dude ranch with the whole family. Claire : Mm-hmm. The family. Haley : What if Dylan buys his own ticket? We'll be sleeping in separate cabins. Phil : What if Dylan and I share a horse? Claire : Mm, I hate landing. Dylan : We'll get through this. Gloria : Wow! Oh, my goodness. Jay : What are you doing? Gloria : I want my ears to pop. Manny : Try putting a little Rouge on 'em. Nobody gets me. Mitchell : Wow. Isn't this beautiful, little cowgirl? Cameron : You hate her sparkly outfit, don't you? Mitchell : No, I told you, it's fine. I just didn't like you wearing a matching one. Mitchell : So we haven't told the family yet, but we've decided to adopt a baby boy. Cameron : From America this time. You might say we're "buying domestic." Mitchell : In private... You might say that in private. Cameron : Our adoption attorney told us it would be a good idea to make a photo book to show prospective moms. Mitchell : But he thought that Cam's version was a little too "artsy," so we've decided to take a few rugged shots at the ranch to, you know, balance it out. Cameron : I don't think it need balancing out. Mitchell : Really? Cameron : It's called "Production value." [OPENING CREDITS] Mitchell : Horse. Gloria : Look, Jay! So beautiful! Jay : Your ears haven't popped yet, huh? Gloria : I'm like the horse whisperer. But something is making this one skittish. Dylan : Whoa. Look at the mountains. Haley : They're amazing. Dylan : I've never been this far from home before now I've never been this far. Claire : Where's a cliff when you need one? Jay : Look, kids! A real life cowboy! Luke : Oh. Come see. Come see. Claire : Uh-oh. Luke : What's he doing? Claire : Oh, my. Hank : My name is Hank. Here at the Lost Creek Ranch, you're gonna ride, you're gonna rope, and you're gonna shoot. You're gonna see a sky so full of stars, it'll put your city lights to shame. And when it's all done, you might just encounter a piece of yourselves you never knew was there. Are there any questions? Manny : Uh, do we book spa treatments through you or... Hank : I like you, kid. I'm gonna call you "Hollywood." Manny : That wasn't an answer. Hank : And who's this cactus flower? Gloria : What? Jay : That's my wife Gloria. Hank : Well, she's "Cactus Flower" now, old-timer. Jay : These, uh, these nicknames... are they set in stone? Hank : Okey dokey. You ready, gunslinger? Phil : I heard word of trouble in these parts. Pull! That oughta fix it, eh, Jay? Jay : You got a piece of it. Phil : I've been practicing like crazy, all my cowboy skills... shootin', ropin'. pancake eatin'. Why? Because sometimes I feel like Jay doesn't respect me as a man. Phil : It's just that when you say, "Phil is my son-in-law," it sounds like you're saying, "Phyllis, my son-in-law." Jay : That's ridiculous. Phil :Okay, who's your son-in-law? Jay : Phyllis. Phil : I'm not asking for a hug. I just want to get that look of newfound respect, like... Or... Or... mm. Yeah. Phil : Check it out. Two birds, one leg. Pull it! Not bad, eh, Old-timer? Hank : Uh, see, slappy only had three fingers. Gloria : What? Hank : He only had three fingers. Who's next? Mitchell : Oh, me. Me. Cameron : Oh, this is good. This is good. Tres macho. No smile. Don't smile. Good. Hank : You ready? Mitchell : Wait. Do I say "pull"? Sorry. Sorry. Jay : Mitchell, why don't you go find Manny at the spa? Wouldn't that be more fun? Mitchell : Yeah. Mitchell : I realized that if I was gonna raise a boy, I needed to butch up my life. You know, I wanted to be able to teach my son all the things that my Dad taught Claire. Luke : Hey, Hollywood. Manny : I don't love that. Luke : Wanna see something? Manny : Oh, my gosh. Is that a firecracker? Luke : Shh! Now I just need to find the perfect thing to blow up. Manny : Is that thing even legal? Luke : Not here. It's from Germany. If they had this during the war, right now we'd all be knee-deep in strudel. Alex : Watch it! Jimmy : What you doing, eh? You readin'? Alex : Trying to. Jimmy : I'm not so good at it either. Alex : I'm not surprised. Jimmy : That was a joke. I'm Jimmy Scrivano. You want to see me do a cannonball? Alex : I'd rather see you get hit by one, but... Jimmy : Ha. Good one, gorgeous. Gloria : Jay! Is this like the lobster?! Do I get to pick one for dinner? Because this one looks very tender. Hank : Look alive, Old-timer. One of your calves is getting away. Jay : Hey, something's wrong with my horse. She's veering left. When this happened to my Uncle, it was a stroke. Hank : Oh, there's nothing wrong with Buttercup. You just gotta let her know who's boss! Beautiful form, Cactus Flower! Beautiful! You look like a dadgum conquistadora! Jay ; She's deaf, but I can hear ya. Cameron : Why are you riding that way? Mitchell : I'm afraid that cow over there might bite me. Cameron : Oh, yes, he's gonna come up and bite you because your leg looks so desirable with those... are those canvas? Claire : Okay, Phil, ease that one back over towards me. Phil : Got it. Claire : Ease him back this way. Phil : Hey! Piece of cake, huh, Jay? Huh? Hank : Ease that one over to Bossy. Phil : Which one's Bossy? Hank : That's my nickname for your wife. Phil : Hilarious. Haley : Go, Mom! Whoo! Dylan : Yeah, Mom! You rock! Claire : Oh, I wish I had a rock. Phil : Hey. It wouldn't kill you to be nice to Dylan. Claire : It might. But, honey, I don't know why you always stick up for him. Haley can do so much better. Phil : Because I know what it's like to fall for a girl whose dad thinks I'm not good enough. Claire : All right, you're right. I can make more of an effort. Phil : That's the woman I love. Hank : We taking a little break over here? Laying some pipe. Phil : No. Sorry. I was just talking to Bossy. Hank : Uh-huh. Claire : Phil! Phil : I'm sorry. Gloria : Jay, look! I got this one! I got this one! Jay : She's veering left again. When we get back, I'm gonna see if she can track a pencil with her eyes. Alex : Okay, Lily, I'm going to push you one more time. Now don't kick me, okay? Aah! Oh! Lily! I said don't kick me. Okay? Jimmy : You know it's your own fault that's happening. Why don't you try standing behind her? Alex : You are an idiot. Jimmy : Oh, really? I ain't the one getting kicked. Alex : Why are you following me? Jimmy : Why are you fighting me here, gorgeous? This works. Alex : I really, really don't appreciate you calling me "gorgeous." I just want to enjoy time with my family, so if you don't mind... mm! Jimmy : Not a problem. See you around, sunshine. Lily : You kissed a boy! Alex : No, the boy kissed me. Okay, Lily? The boy kissed me. Dylan : ♪ I rode a horse for the first time today wasn't surprised when it went... neigh ♪ Claire : Okay. Hey, Dylan. Dylan : Hey, Mrs. Dunphy. Claire : I was wondering if we could have a little chat. Dylan : Oh. You want me to go home. Claire : No, no. It's the... the opposite of that. Dylan : I want you to go home? Claire : No, I, um, I want you to know how glad I am that you're here. Dylan : Really? 'Cause sometimes I just get this vibe you don't like me. Claire : Oh. Dylan, no. I'm sorry. I-I like you. I-I like you a lot. I just... It's complicated because Haley's my daughter. Dylan : Whoa. Whoa, whoa. You are totally a hot mom, but I can't do this. Claire : Oh, my God. Okay, we... there's... no, no. I merely meant that I'm sorry if I made you feel unwelcome. Dylan : Whew! That would have been awkward. Claire : So awkward. Dylan : You know, but for the record, Mrs. Dunphy... Claire : Yes? Dylan : If Haley wasn't my girlfriend... Claire : Yeah. Dylan : And Mr. Dunphy was out of the picture... Claire : Mm-hmm. Dylan : I would be honored to share your bed and raise Luke, Alex, and Haley as my own. Claire : Okay. Good talk. Gloria : ♪ She'll be running down the mountain. she'll be running down the Mountain when she comes ♪ Jay : The song ended two minutes ago. Hank : Well, I'll tell you what. She could play Evita. Jay : Really? You notice the crickets left? Anyone want more water? Mitchell : Oh, Dad, I'll take one. Jay : Heads up. Claire : Oh, my gosh. Mitchell : Oh.