ChurchLeadershipBooks.com Other Books by Thom S. Rainer Vibrant Church (coauthor) Raising Dad (coauthor) Simple Church (coauthor) The Unexpected Journey Breakout Churches The Unchurched Next Door Surprising Insights from the Unchurched Eating the Elephant (revised edition) (coauthor) High Expectations The Every Church Guide to Growth (coauthor) The Bridger Generation Effective Evangelistic Churches The Church Growth Encyclopedia (coeditor) Experiencing Personal Revival (coauthor) Giant Awakenings Biblical Standard for Evangelists (coauthor) Eating the Elephant The Book of Church Growth Evangelism in the Twenty-first Century (editor) ChurchLeadershipBooks.com ChurchLeadershipBooks.com Copyright © 2008 by Thom S. Rainer and Sam S. Rainer III All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America 978-0-8054-4392-9 Published by B&H Publishing Group, Nashville, Tennessee Dewey Decimal Classification: 262 Subject Heading: CHURCH \ EX-CHURCH MEMBERS— CASE STUDIES \ YOUNG ADULTS All Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible®. Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Holman CSB®, and HCSB® are fed- erally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 • 12 11 10 09 08 ChurchLeadershipBooks.com From Thom To Erin Rainer Sarah Rainer Rachel Rainer God’s gifts of wives to my sons God’s gifts of daughters-in-law to Nellie Jo and me And always To my wife Love grows where Nellie Jo goes From Sam To Erin My wife My love My joy My anchor ChurchLeadershipBooks.com contents Acknowledgments ix introducing the Essential church 1 Part 1: Why People Leave the Nonessential Church chapter 1: My Faith is Not My Parents’ Faith 25 chapter 2: Looking for a different kind of community 45 chapter 3: That’s Life! it changes 69 chapter 4: A New Spin on hypocrisy 91 chapter 5: All Eyes on the Main Man 111 Part 2: How Essential Churches Close the Back Door chapter 6: The Essential church and the Back door 137 chapter 7: Simplify: Getting the Structure Right 159 chapter 8: deepen: Getting the content Right 181 vii ChurchLeadershipBooks.com viii essential chuRch? chapter 9: Expect: Getting the Attitude Right 201 chapter 10: Multiply: Getting the Action Right 221 conclusion: Building an Essential church: A case Study 241 About the Authors 255 Notes 257 ChurchLeadershipBooks.com Acknowledgments From Thom I wrote an unpublished paper less than a year ago. Its simple title was “When the Sons Surpass the Father.” Since there was really no proper place to publish it, I placed it in a computer file. That was fine. It did not need to be published; it was just an exercise of the heart. But on the occasion of this book, I will cite a portion of that paper: Anyone who has heard me speak or read anything I wrote knows how much I adore my three sons, Sam, Art, and Jess. They have become wonderful grown men blessed with three wonderful wives: Erin, Sarah, and Rachel. And it just occurred to me recently: Even though they are still young men in their twenties, they have surpassed their father already in character, intellect, and godliness. Such is a statement of reality and not false humility. ix ChurchLeadershipBooks.com x essential chuRch? The sons have surpassed the father. I don’t deserve them. Another gift of grace. I watched with amazement as Sam did the research and writ- ing for this book. I saw his keen mind in action. I saw his heart for the church and lost humanity break with compassion. And I saw his humility as he refused to take credit for a book that is largely his. The sons have surpassed the father. His brothers, Art and Jess, are no less amazing. Bright men. Men of integrity. Godly men. The sons have surpassed the father. And what wonderful women they brought into their lives and, thus, into our lives. I love Erin Rainer. I love Sarah Rainer. I love Rachel Rainer. I never realized how much I could love daughters- in-law. But I do. Of course, my sons learned that lesson well—the lesson on how to marry above one’s self. We four boys know the truth. The true strength of our family was always their mom and my wife. Nellie Jo Rainer is simply the most wonderful and most beautiful woman in the world. Her unconditional and sacrificial love for all of us is one of the greatest gifts we could ever have. I simply acknowledge that, if I have ever attained anything worthy of note, it is for two reasons. I have three sons, three daughters-in-law, and a wife who have given me love and honor I don’t deserve. And I have a Savior who gave me grace when I deserved judgment. It is about His church that we write in this book. From Sam I must first thank my father and coauthor, Thom Rainer. Dad, thanks for all the guidance, encouragement, and insight. Your ChurchLeadershipBooks.com AckNowledgments xi fatherly support during the crafting of this book was no different from any other endeavor in my life. You’ve never told me, “You can’t do it.” Conversely, you’ve always said, “I know you can do it.” Thanks for your confidence and wisdom. Thanks for teaching me the way to go. I’ll never depart from it. This book would never have materialized if it were not for one incredible woman. Erin, my wife, you are gracious beyond measure. Thank you for allowing me the time to write during our first year of marriage. I am blessed to be inspired by your smile, a smile that brightens the world. The joy of Christ radiates from you. I love you so deeply. I could never have reached where I stand today if it were not for my mother. Mom, thanks so much for championing me. Even the details of this book did not escape your watchful eye. No one else on the planet wants the best for me as you do. My brothers, Art and Jess, were also great sources of encour- agement and honesty. Thanks, bros, for holding me accountable and keeping me down to earth. You keep me laughing through life, through the good and the bad. The LifeWay Research team and Ed Stetzer clearly laid much of the groundwork for this book. I am grateful for their selfless efforts to provide clarity for our churches through sound research. I am deeply appreciative of Thomas Walters and B&H Publishing Group. Thanks for your patience, kindness, and generosity. To all my fellow pastors and lay leaders guiding churches to become essential, thank you for your kingdom work. May we always pursue as our goal the prize promised by our heavenly calls in Christ Jesus (see Phil. 3:14). Most importantly, I write to further the One who grants all blessings. I am mere clay. I pray the Potter is glorified in the writ- ing of this book. After all, it is His church. I am His child. We serve a risen Savior. And for that one reason alone, I am eternally grateful. ChurchLeadershipBooks.com introducing the Essential church ohn Rawls is a successful attorney living the good life in JNaples, Florida. He became a full partner five years ago, and he never has a shortage of well-paying clients. In the eyes of many, John is successful. His home is in a pricey, gated commu- nity within walking distance of the white beaches of Naples and the beautiful emerald water of the Gulf of Mexico. His children attend an upscale private school, and his wife seems to have no shortage of material comforts. But John told us that he is not happy. Despite meeting every apparent criterion of success in the world’s eyes, he has a nagging frustration, something he coins “a black hole of emptiness.” It was easy to move the conversation to spiritual matters from this point. Tell us, we said, about your beliefs about God and church. Tell us something about your spiritual background. The flood- gates of conversation opened. 1 ChurchLeadershipBooks.com 2 essential chuRch? “I was raised in a Christian home,” he said softly. “My par- ents were raised Southern Baptists, but they moved to Tampa and joined a nondenominational church. They started taking me to that church when I was in preschool. I still have many great memories of the church.” Do you attend church now? John swallowed hard for a second and then gave us his story about becoming a church dropout. “I stopped attending church between the summer of my junior and senior years of high school. I then went on to college and didn’t attend church,” he admitted. “It’s been more than fif- teen years, and I still haven’t been back.” John is one of millions of “dechurched” Americans. By that we mean that he attended church regularly for years but then joined the growing ranks of unchurched Americans. “Nothing big or negative caused me to stop attending church,” he reflected. “I just came to a point that I did not see church as essential to my life. And I guess that has been the case for more than fifteen years now.” “I did not see church as essential to my life.” Similar statements have been made by millions of dechurched Americans. Church is not essential to their lives. What were the precipitating factors that, in just a few decades, caused churches to move from essential to nonessential in the lives of millions? That is the question that became the basis for this book and our research.