Report from Glance yUQihington Askance OS The I Screening by Skip Ungar vo Room "HATS OFF TO HATS" (Little Known Facts From History) Contrary to popular belief, the first article of ap- a by parel was not the fig leaf. It was the hat. Even before Dean Sluyter leaving the Garden of Eden, Adam wore hats. We H know this because the earliest business ever establish- By m ed was known as Adams Hats. Congressman Hats were a very necessary item because language was quite limited. Thus, when Adam put on his cowboy hat, Eve knew he was going out to do a little ranching. And if he were going down to the vegetable Kevin Costner in "Field of garden, she realized this because he was wearing his Matt Rinaldo beanie. When she saw him in his pork-pie hat, it was Dreams": Innings of Eternity obvious that he was ambling over to slop the pigs. 7th District, New Jersey (PG) • • • • The hat that delighted her the most was his miner's Baseball is the most mystical of sports. Unlike ten- cap because then he was out looking for gold and Americans are deeply upset by the divided ruling nis, basketball, hockey, and all the others with their silver for her. Eve soon started wearing hats herself. of the United States Supreme Court declaring un- clocks and courts, baseball is, at least in principal, Her rain hat and shower cap proved most utile as did constitutional a Texas law prohibiting the desecra- unbounded. It is played between foul lines that her sun hat. She had several party hats because of all tion of the American flag. They agree with many stretch into infinity, in innings that reach into eterni- the galas she and Adam attended. members of Congress and President Bush that the ty. Its bases might be life's way-stations, each man's As hats became more prevalent, they crept into our flag symbolizes freedom and deserves to be pro- Stations of the Cross; runs are scored by completing ethos more and more. As a sign of respect, we tipped tected. the cycle of life, returning to one's Source, to Home our hats; to show how polite we were, we removed (or, as they pronounce it in India, Om). As the na- our hats; and when we were pleading for some favor, "Unfurl the flag, fly it, flaunt it, argue about it if tional pastime, it's not just a way to pass time; it's a we came with hat in hand. And when we were done in you want, but don't desecrate it—that's all we're ask- way to get past time. by an exasperating experience, it was the crowning ing. Surely that view reflects the common sense of the No wonder, then, that baseball has inspired so blow. American people," said House Republican leader many writers and filmmakers as a device to help ex- Today, it is impossible to imagine our existence Bob Michel, Few Americans, regardless of their par- press life's inexpressible mysteries. The latest such without the hat. If there were no hat, we would have ty or principles, would argue against that kind of entry is Phil Alden Robinson's "Field of Dreams," a different form of government as 'our politicians logic. based on W,P. Kinsella's novel "Shoeless Joe." It would be unable to toss their hats into the ring. And Almost as soon as the Supreme Court issued its 5-4 tells the story of a baby boomer turned Iowa farmer where would Dr. Seuss be? He'd only have a cat. majority opinion written by Justice William Bren- (Kevin Costner) who, one twilit evening, hears a There would be no magicians, only more rabbits. nan, who believes in unlimited expression of free Voice commanding him, absurdly enough, to build a And most likely, Lewis Carroll never would have speech, my office was flooded with calls from irate baseball diamond in his corn field. The reason, even written "Alice in Wonderland" if he didn't have a citizens. more absurdly, is so that the great Shoeless Joe Mad Hatter. Can you envision Fred Astaire without One leader of the Disabled Veterans in Union said Jackson, who was unjustly banned from the majors his top hat or ice hockey without the "hat trick?" In some veterans who had served in the war and lost in the J919 World Series-fixing scandal, can return to the westerns we couldn't tell the good guys from the their friends in combat wept at the news of the play again. , bad guys if there were no white hats or black hats. court's decision. Whpi dead men start walking out of the corn to We'd have lost that great insult, "In your hat, bud- Many Americans agree with President Bush that play ball, it's just the beginning of a string of dy," There wouldn't, be any Hattie Carnegie or while they support free speech, protection of the flag miracles, signs, and "coincidences" (what does that Panama Hattie, as a unique national symbol does not infringe on •word mean?) that take place in, the course of a trek "Without the hat, the world would be completely their rights to protest or express themselves in an that has Costner driving his old VW bus halfway altered. The island borough of New York City would endless variety of ways. In my judgement, flag burn- across the country. At one point his Voice leads him be called "Mantan." Could you envision Gandhi be- ing lessens free speech and would be an invitation to to kidnap a great writer who inspired a generation in ing referred to as the "Mama?" We are assured that violent confrontation by those who object to desecra- the Sixties but has now become a disillusioned Washington never would have crossed the Delaware tion of the flag. Confrontations over flag burning recluse. In the novel, the writer is explicitly J.D. Sal- without his three cornered hat which means we would would limit public debate and erode the Constitu- inger; here he also incorporates shreds of Allen have lost the American Revolution and we'd still all tional right of assembly. Ginsberg and Timothy Leary and, as the final in- be British. West Point cadets and Annapolis mid- Changing the Constitution is not easy, however. In surance against invasion-of-privacy litigation, is shipmen would never graduate cause they wouldn't, more than 200 years, only 26 amendments to the played by James Earl Jones. have any hats to toss into the air. Constitution have been ratified. Under Article V, a This kind of material—"It's a Wonderful Life" Getting back to geography, it seems a bit silly but proposed amendment originating in Congress must meets "thirtysomething"—is chancy, to say the without the hat, there'd be a town named be approved by a two-thirds majority in both houses, least. If it works, it's magic; if it doesn't, it looks "Medicine," while North Carolina's famous stretch and then by 38 state legislatures. Already, 48 states pretty silly. "Field of Dreams" has some serious of land would be Cape Teras. It, wouldn't be as ex- have laws on their books protecting the flag against flaws that almost sink it, but its essential magic is so citing going on a roller coaster without being able to desecration. If the language of the proposed amend- powerful that it works anyway. hang on to your hat. Everyone would be a blabber- ment is kept as simple as possible and does not Kevin Costner hao been getting a lot of press as the mouth because they couldn't keep a secret under become bogged down in legalism, it could sail Gary Cooper of the Eighties, and it's all too true. their hat. A terrible thing would be the loss of hat- through both Houses of Congress. Like Cooper, Costner walks a perilously thin line bet- check girls, and street musicians would have no place Several proposed amendments have been introduc- ween quiet Everyman strength and dull vacuity, (In to receive contributions from passers-by. Little "The Untouchables," for example, he succumbs to ed in the House to protect the flag as a national sym- League kids would be playing in any old thing bol, including one that I am sponsoring. These pro- the vacuum, and the film, with no energy at its because they couldn't raise money for uniforms by center, collapses. Robert De Mro's Capone walks posed amendments have attracted bipartisan sup- passing the hat. away with what's left.) port. In West Virginia, do you think that the McCoys In my view, the decision by the Supreme Court has There are pacing problems too. Several scenes need would have feuded with the "Fields?" I doubt it. to be about 15 percent shorter. And there are script confused freedom of speech with freedom of con- Shakespeare probably never would have married problems as well. Some lines of dialogue—only a duct. An individual who desecrates the American Anne Haway, and Pocahontas* father would be a few, but crucial ones—are confusing, and the at- flag is not making a political speech; he or she is com- tempts to convey the sublime sensations of playing Please turn to page 11 mitting an act that breaks the law in 48 states. These the game (the smell of the grass, etc, etc.) need richer state laws properly prohibit personal conduct that poetry than director-screenwriter Robinson can goes beyond an individual's right to free speech and muster.