University of Missouri, St. Louis IRL @ UMSL Current (2000s) Student Newspapers 4-2-2007 Current, April 02, 2007 University of Missouri-St. Louis Follow this and additional works at: https://irl.umsl.edu/current2000s Recommended Citation University of Missouri-St. Louis, "Current, April 02, 2007" (2007). Current (2000s). 319. https://irl.umsl.edu/current2000s/319 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2000s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. ,THE DUMSL SINCE 1966 STUDENT RAG April 2, 2007 www.thecurrentonline~com . INSIDE , New DUMS[ 'ldeniity Project What will DUMsrs new identity be? narrows list of names to six , Pollutants By DARTH' GRANGER Quik Read shout 'who cares' when we were talk­ ing about it," Braxton said. Sensationalist Quik chocolate milk: is full of vitamin A "Obviously, that person is going to and D and helps keeps bones strong vote for the Hell if I Cares." The search for DUMSL's new iden­ and healthy. It tastes. good too. !rna Quitter, junior, political postur­ New shutHe route tity continues as choices have been nar­ ing, was originally tapped to head the rowed down to six finalists . firm. cotpmittee. H¢ promptly resigned from ~ unveied The new iden~ty will replace die "We have spent a relatively modest the post, citing internal pressure within Nlud Pigeons Riverpimp, the name for DUMSL $1,236,9~7.56 on this search;" Braxton the committee, even though the com­ The 19th shuttle route of sports teams for the last 40 years. said. "But hey, it was worth it right? I mittee had yet to meet. the season has been The choices are the Commuters, the mean, this is our identity, people. This ·''What can I say," Quitter said. released Frenchies, the River Sludge, the represents us at our sporting events." "There was just too much internal pres­ Pollutants, the Mud Pidgeons and the Braiton, who prefers the Frenchies sure. I had to re5ign, for ~e good of the See page 3 Hell if I Cares. (see World War IT for reasons), said he students." Deandrevil Braxton, representative believes DUMSL students will rally . for the Office of Student Half-life, said behind the effort. the choice was aided by an outside "Just the other day I heard someone See RIVERPIMP, page 3 HERE'S A STORY OF A MAN NAMED BRADY Myspace­ wannabee­ book made ~ JK's new clothing I'ine comes out more stalker­ The new dothing line for Johann Klein featUfPS clothes for the flood walJl. .friendl y See page 6 ., By S EAMUS M eDINo BribJey Shears Wl.Seman 's BiJcb cuts loose in new "Never bas the feedback for Myspacew8!llllibeebook peen so posi­ Razomead song tive. at least the feedback oming from stalk.-ers, everyone else is pretty pissed , The Stagnant was off at us," said Howard Hughes, CG­ unlucky enough to get an fou nder and head B. S. artist for interview with Britney Myspacewannabeebook. Shears fresh from rehab According to Hughes, and the barber shop. Myspacewannabeebook adJTIinj tration See page 9 members decided to make the popular Web site more" talker-friendly." ~ To accompli h this, the members DUMSL Wlflle Ball added 57 paranoia inducing features to the ite, includ- player breaks ing a "stalk your Slow Read friends activities homemn reeordl feed," a "ran..<;om Two founta ins com­ fortably perused See~e10 note" feature., it and automatic five mats. alerts to your Macintoshes tele­ ONTHEWEB account when phoned one dog. Dwarves auctioned Saddam W-..an • EdiIor·ilH1Jief your 'significant other becomes off two bourgeOis Klingons, but 1Cnt~n Head Baseball Coach Diamond Jim Brady stands in front of his new acquisitions, the Hummer, the M SC, the lakes, even that t ree friends with behind' him. Everything is his and everything will be bling. umpteen trailers someone other fights cats. Five Web poll results: than you . aardvarks wart hogs • What do you think of "With tbese partly lamely .DiamondJim Brady pimps out DUMSL with $1.5 million new features, bought me. Britney Shears' new you can delete look? all other females By PAUL WALL Quiche Read r(lJUlY· from your boyfriend's friend list and . The People's Timl1p One little known fact about Diamond Jim Brady ls "Baseball games at DUMSL bring in an average he 'U just think they all reje.cted hjs that he is an avid quiche lover and will most likely of 3.7 students. Those other two seats are ueh a friendship," said Mork Schmuckerberg. spend some of his Winnings on quiches. Mmmmm. waste when that space could be used for lakes or founder and CEO of Now that head baseball coach Diamond Jim something pretty," said Erruna Raids, sophomore, M yspacewarmabeebook. Brady is a millionaire after winning his age discrim­ pain in the butt Not only will the:e neW features inationlawsuit against DUTvlSL, what will he spend Brady also wants to pimp out his Honda Civic with While tickets to games will cost allow you to constantly check up on his money on? spinning rims and "King Kong in the trunk." $932.13145165174 for student" and facuity willl a your significant other, but your fonner 'Tm gonna pimp out DUMSL," he said: "Bling. The majority of bis winnings will be spent on valid SID, St. Louis police officers witi not be significant others as well. Bling. Everywhere." changes to campus, though"As his first order ofbusi­ admitted free even if they do have "legitimate" tick­ '1 didn't know how I was going to Brady recently bought the Puniversity with the ness, Brady plans to completely demolish all of the ets. survive when my sweethelf' , Jimrnie. money he won from his settlement (about $1.5 mil­ buildings on South Campus to build a mega-baseball Brady also will spend some of the money on new left me," said Emma-Lou Saah, senior, lion) and plans to renovate the campus. stadium rival to the new Busch Stadiwn and an recruits for the baseball team. citizen. "Now I can see wha1 he is doing Besides the obvious things that he v,.iJI ·spend his Wal-Mart Supercenter. and who he is talking to all day and all earnings on, like a Wli. Oprah Winfrey, and 365 fake The DUMSL stadiwn will have a total of six night without him knowing I'm doing it. mustaches (one to wear for every day of the year), seats, which some critics have complained is too See B RA.DY BL!NG. page 12 I get to know he is dOing: ok. "Of course, he dwnped me because I used to follow him around to be UTe of what he was doing every waking and sleeping second of his life.," Saah said. Explosion of campus pregnancies linked to Viagra program "Maybe if these new features bad been added sooner, Jimmie and I would still By DARTH GRANGER sion in campus pregnancies. to such troubles. be together. I hate you, Quickie Statistics show that pregnancy at "Believe me, we ne ver would Myspacewannabeebook, for not think­ Sensationalist DUMSL is up 69 percent (ironic, bave launched the program had we ing of this sooner." Read isn't it?), and could continue to rise. known it would lead to all thi ." Saah caid although she hate" that the Express Scripts, located on the Even more controversial is the Pi"ozac said. "We are truly sorry" features were added after her breakup Express Scripts DUMSL campus, has egg on fInding that the Viagra is only given One DUMSL student who fell from Jimmie, she does still "love" giveaway of free its face after its · new to men 40 years or older, meaning victim to the program, Stvp hY Myspacewannabeebook for adding lhe Viagra to campus facul­ program giving' many of DUMSL's pr.ofessors have Whoresalot, said she is three months features. ty is under investigation ignored a mandate from the pregnant with the child of her statis­ She said she no longer has to creep after a rash of students Bored of Curators meant to tics professor. around Jimmie's bushes at night and the have- b.!:come pregnant, eliminate "amorous" relation­ "He said he is gorum step up and Internet keeps her well beyond the lim­ answerihg the question of ships between students and do the right thing," she said. "'W hich its of u'le restraining order he put on her. whether that reall y is a educators. is good." Another student, Belle Loney, fre h" banana in your teacher'S· "It's disappointing, really," When asked why he slept Will:! man, wieners, said she also benefited pocket? Bored of Curators member Dave her professor, \,yhoresalot s·aid it was from the new features. out Massingil. said. "I mean, c'mon, a matter of convenience. "I can see that my ex-boyfriend is This is a banana. Eat the free Viagra we 're the [mal authqrity, right? 'The way I looked at it w· , T now dating a fat chick, 1 feel so milch banana. love the banana. Use bas backfired in a major way. People should listen to us, dammit!" could either study or whip of a quick­ better about how ugiy I am because at the banana. Play with the An investigation undertaken by Express Scripts spokeswoman ie," she said. least f m not fat," she said. banana. Careful, the peel DUMSL has revealed that the pro­ Allegra Prozac said Express Scripts makes things slippery. gram is directly linked to an explo- had no idea the program would lead See VIAGRA, page 16 ee MVSPACE, page 3 Page ToadIes CAMPY MOHELA 'DEAL OR NO DEAL The DUMSL Student Newspaper Since 2007 CRIMELINE STAPH Saddam Wiseman.